A pattern ... is starting to develop here with my understanding of Kalee's relationship(s) with both parents. Her Daddy is controlling and loud; her Mother is passive and loud. Three key words.

When Bill, Kalee and I went to talk with the psychologist on Wednesday - he told us that he wasn't sure if he'd recommend she be placed with either parent - on a permanent basis. They all have major issues. MAJOR issues. May the good Lord have mercy on all those sensitive children. I've felt all along that this whole situation is about winning, and NOT what is best for this little kiddie girl. I've gotta tell you, I felt a real sense of validation when the psychologist said the same thing to Bill and me.

After he talked to us, he asked Kalee if she'd talk with him for a few minutes. We waited out in the lobby and 30 minutes later Kalee came skipping out of his office ... big smile on her face. Apparently, communication is starting for her and that makes us very happy.

OH YEAH, Melissa!!! Send me more than ONE bottle of vitamins, girl!! My arse is dragging!

Thanks, Margaret. Yup, it has changed our whole lifestyle - having her here. (Not all negatively, though.) We're eating at regular hours, trying to "practice what we preach," finding extra time in the day to stop and talk, or have some fun. I'm teaching Kalee about all the birds that come to our feeders and what sounds they make, etc. She's a good student!

Miss Veeerrraaa, No, I didn't know that the ADHD might be related to PTSD. Hummmm, interesting concept. Lord knows this kiddie has had her share of stress, as well as keeping feelings inside. She used to throw up when she'd get scared or nervous at both parent's houses. She hasn't thrown up once since she's been here and, as I said before, she is eating better and sleeping very well. I just hope this positive action will continue for her.

Guess time will tell .......

We showed her the elementary school she'll go to, IF she's still here when school starts. She initially said a big fat NO to me when I mentioned going to school here. A few days ago, she wanted to go walk around the school grounds and peek into the windows. I'm personally hoping the parents will have "all their ducks in a row" by that time, but .... .... the psychologist says he is doubtful. Lordy, I thought I was done "birthing babies" ... but ........... I must admit hugging a little gremlin "goodnight" and hearing prayers is pretty neat. And, especially when she says, "I love you, Mawmaw. Sleep tight; don't let the bed bugs bite."

PARTY?? Yawnnnnnnnnnnn and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Come wake me up, k?

~ Janie ~

A few comments from someone locked inside of a paper bag. I stepped out of it to check out your pictures! WOW!! Kalee looks VERY happy! Did you know that ADD and ADHD can be a symptom of PTSD? (post tramatic stress disorder) Treat the stress and you'll see a huge improvement in Kalee. That is exactly what you are doing! Since she is clear of the stress zone it's easier to be a little girl, like she should be! Kalee can let her guard down just as long as she feels safe and protected from further trauma. You are giving her that and then some. Thing about PTSD is that it will cause child will be on hyper-alert for a very long time. It's hard to concentrate on the every day stuff when you are watching over your shoulder for the next outburst of rage. (Simular to that of war veterans, they are waiting for the next bullet.)

You are giving Kalee security. Every child deserves to feel safe and free from abuse as they grow. It doesn't matter if it's physical or emotional abuse, what you are giving to Kalee will help her mature into the person that she was meant to be.

In a way, Miss Janie, you are giving her life! That is courage!

Now when are you gonna get a baby sitter so that you can attend the forum birthday party? It's been extended all summer long so that we can all watch you get hauled off to the pokey. Geez! I'm saving all the bail money for this one occassion!

May the frog have mercy on my soul.
Power to the puppets and peace to all people.

JANIE

I just want to add that I think you and Bill are doing such a wonderful thing, not only for Kalee, which is a given, but also for your son, his wife, ex-wife and just all concerned.

To take the time and go to the expense of taking Kalee into your home is just wonderful of both of you. Not all grandparents are prepared to do this. A big hug to you and Bill. You are both so special. Your friend, Margaret

Thanks Janie. Well, I definitely don't want to go off on a tangent about my own childhood, but consider me living proof that a kid who doesn't get all they need while growing up can still become an adult who acknowledges that my parents were human and made mistakes but now I have to take responsibility for my own life. My parents loved me -of that there was no doubt-and Kalee has a whole lot of people who love her and that will make a world of difference for her too. You know I"m a big believer in the power of love. Not about to say it makes everything easy (geesh, when is it EVER easy), but it sure makes the hard times easier to get through knowing there's someone standing beside you ready to protect and help you any way they can. Yeah, there have been a lot of mistakes made, hard feelings, and inconsistencies with Kalee's parents, but there also looks to be a whole lot of love.

OK, going waaaay off my soapbox now. I hope you get what I mean and this doesn't sound really asinine. Here's to you and Bill for everything you're doing! And a pack of vitamins to help keep you going!

"Whatever tomorrow brings, I"ll be there-with open arms and open eyes"

Thanks, Ladies!

I hope I'm not waiting for the other shoe to fall, but Kalee is really doing great!!!

She's eating well and asking for seconds. Last night, I fixed chicken fried rice, broccoli w/cheese sauce and miniature egg rolls with Duck sauce. She loved it and even wanted to take some of it to camp today for her lunch.

Giving her more responsibility ... gradually. i.e., son told me that the ONLY way to get Kalee up in the morning was to get her out of bed, stand her up, put a towel in her hand, take her to the bathroom and make her stand in the shower.

I figured I didn't want to play into THAT kind of drama every day. This morning, I woke her up and told her - lovingly - that she was responsible for waking herself up and getting dressed. And, if she DIDN'T get herself up on time, she wouldn't have time to call her parents before day camp. Told her it was "her" decision. I then took my coffee and went out to sit on the patio. Less than five minutes later, she was tapping on the door ... fully dressed and holding Grin. A real positive to a totally new behavioral activity. I told her that I was SO PROUD of her!!!! I could tell she was pleased with herself, as well.

Tomorrow at 1:00, Kalee, Bill and I will go to meet the psychologist who is counselling both sets of parents. Then on Thursday at 5:00, I will take Kalee for her session for individual counselling (different doctor.)

Bill is helping me alot, even though most of the responsibility is on me. He is there for me when I just "have" to take 40 winks. Think I'd forgotten how much energy children have, esp. one who has been diagnosed with ADHD. She only takes Ritalin during school time, not in the summer.

It's my opinion (and my hope and prayer) that she will continue to value herself and take pride in her accomplishments. Of course, we use a large daily dose of humor ... (like, "There's your bed; you know what to do with it.") She laughs and then makes her bed and cleans her room before camp.

~ Janie ~

Janie

I'm thrilled to know Kalee is eating better. She sounds like she is much happier than she has been for some time. You and Bill are the best.

Vicki

Sugarlips

I don't get to post often, but I just read this entire thread...Janie, I am so happy to see things are settling down for you. I think you and Bill are doing a wonderful job of helping Kalee regain her childhood, and give her some guidance (which we all need that). Good thoughts!!!

Angels do come---just leave a soft place in your heart for them to land.

Janie, that's why we have parents...for guidance. And we are SUPPOSED to be the "bad" guys; it takes the heat off them when confronted with bad choices.

For example, when eldest daughter's friends wanted to do something that was clearly not good for them to do, my daughter could opt out by saying that her parents didn't allow her to do that. It pretty much ended the powers of peer persuasian right there. She could fuss and storm all she wanted at home, but she understood, in the presence of her friends, that she would not be partaking of their bad choices. The other two siblings learned well from her experiences. They knew what the boundaries were without any further need for argument.

Many years later, they told us of various ways they circumvented our "house rules", and usually regretted it ... either from the guilts, or because they came to realize that they really had made a bad choice and there were going to be consequences.

Oh Melissa,

I am so very sorry you had to go through that. Many times, "stoic" is just the opposite of what children need. I know, from my own childhood, that I wanted my Mother to say "no" to me sometimes so I would feel loved. Saying "no" = Somebody loves me enough to CARE. .... things a little child shouldn't have to worry about, IMHO.

Kalee had a visit from her Mom and step-sister last evening. They made a Memory Rock for the garden. (Sorta' like the "love" rock I bought for my parent's flower garden.) I kept waiting for Mom to discipline Kalee. It never happened, so "I" did it. Kalee responded so positively to me that her Mom's jaw just dropped.

Both these sets of parents are so afraid to "discipline" her because they're afraid she won't PICK them. (Son doesn't mind yelling at her, but it is all about CONTROL, not love ... that's another IMHO.)

Sorry you couldn't access the pictures. Here's the link:

http://community.webshots.com/user/southerngal515

~ Janie ~

So Kalee is eating well again! Yea! And her father and stepmom were surprised by that, and maybe will start understanding how stressed out this little girl has been. I hope. How sad it had to get to this point for her to be "seen". I can only relate to this from my own childhood when my parents were dealing with my sisters' increasing problems and I tried so hard (and succeeded so well apparently) at being "stoic" that I dont' think my parents really had a clue how much I was hurting inside. How many kids put on a brave face and nobody even knows they're in pain I wonder? Kalee is a very fortunate little girl to have had grandparents who love her and saw she was hurting and are able to be there for her. Here's praying that all the help she is receiving now will allow her to be a little girl again. It's a good thing.

I tried to look at your pics, but Mr. Red X showed up with most of them. I think it's my computer being stupid. Wish I coulda seen them. Love, Melissa

"Whatever tomorrow brings, I"ll be there-with open arms and open eyes"

The trip to the park where Kalee got to spend time with her daddy went ok, except ... it made me feel so bad! Guess I was just projecting MY feelings onto the situation, but I could almost visualize the precious moments ticking away. Kalee and her dad ran from one game to another; drove boats in the water park area; played miniature golf; etc. My sense of empathy almost tore me up and I found my eyes starting to fill up at one point.

After an hour and a half of playing, son suggested we go to eat. We went to an Arby's and Kalee ate so well it was astonishing. (Remember me saying her dad would yell eat it! eat it! at mealtimes?) Well, he sure as he## didn't have to yell at her this time. Dad and step-mom were so surprised!

Another thought: Yesterday, when I picked Kalee up from camp, one of the staff told me that I need to bring more food for her, because she eats everything she has and still wants more 'cause she's hungry. I really do think this past week is the first time I have EVER seen Kalee eat a complete meal (Arby's) and tell someone she's still hungry. She's NEVER had an appetite before.

Change of pace? Different atmosphere? Sense of stability? A little tummy that's not churning with anxiety??? Maybe ALL of the above??

After camp yesterday, she and I went to see "Finding Nemo." A CUTE MOVIE!!!! We ate candy and popcorn. Later in the evening, "Mawmaw, I'm hungry. Can I have some oatmeal?"

Last night, she "made a mixture." Details to follow. (By the way, I've put some recent pics on my photo album under "New Resident." Just click on my profile to access the site if you're interested.)

~ Janie ~

Janie

Girl, you can make me feel so many different emotions as I read through your posts of the last few days. Going from joy to anger and back to joy again.

I'm so very impressed with how you and Bill are dealing with this very complex situation. It is clear to me your son needs a lot of help. I hope it happens before he does any more emotional damage to Kalee.

I can tell from your words how loved and happy Kalee feels living with you and Bill. She is such a precious little girl. Please continue to protect her from parents that don't seem to be considering her needs ahead of their own.

Vicki

Sugarlips

Small Blessings

I just have to share this before I start working.

Last night, we had soup, salad and sandwiches for supper. I grilled the sandwiches with butter in the skillet. Turkey, ham, cheese, etc. Kalee said, "Mawmaw! I didn't know you were gonna make them like THIS!" These are good!

Then she helped clean up the kitchen and talked to both parents on the phone. Afterwards, Bill and I heard her messing around in the kitchen. "What the heck are you doing out there, Kalee-Girl?" I got up to check and she had set the table for dinner tonight! What a kewtie pie! Blue placemats, blue napkins; dinner plates with a smaller plate on top and then a bowl on top of that. She took some fresh fruit and made a centerpiece for the table. (I could get used to this!! )

One more: This morning when I was trying to wake her up, she "pretended" to not hear me. I started some JIVE talk with her. "You better get your butt outta' that bed, GURL!!! I don't wanna have to hang you to the ceiling fan so you can wake up, GURL!!" She started laughing. I said, "Do you think your Mawmaw is crazy?" She said, "Yeah!" I said, "THAT's why you love me." She said, "That's not the ONLY reason." Be still my heart.

Took her to camp and got to meet one of her girlfriends. After my hug and "I'll see you later", I walked out, looked down and there was a Four-Leaf Clover. I went back into the building and said, "Bet you don't know who was out in the yard."

WHO?

"Close your eyes and hold out your hand."

Then I put the four-leaf clover in her hand. She immediately showed it to her girlfriend. The GF said "WOW!! AWESOME!! Kalee was just beaming! I said "goodbye again" and left.

As I was walking out the door, I heard Kalee saying ... "My Mawmaw finds those all the time. She says she can hear the FOUR-LEAF CLOVER FAIRY calling to her."

~ Janie ~

Janie I am so happy for you, Bill and Kalee that she has the caseworker etc. on her side. It sounds like her Dad and SM have met their match. I hope something is gained by the councelling-but don't hold your breath for miracles.When I was teaching I saw so many kids put through so much by parents wanting to hurt the other one.My SD's Mom was one of the worst for using a child to hurt the other parent.It sounds like Kalee is enjoying her camp experience. It seems she is learning the ropes around your house-everything today sounds very positive-you made my day when I read your post-I was so concerned that her Dad would be able to hoodwink those at his meeting.
Thanks for sharing your granddaughter with us. Gypsy

Kalee is fortunate to have a good social worker who sees what her father is doing. So often they let the inadequate parents manipulate the situation. I've seen it happen many times in my work.

Good Job!

One GOOD Thing...

Is that BOTH sets of parents have to have counseling for one hour every week! I also have to arrange to have Kalee see someone, as well.

Yesterday, we went to DSS. We talked for two hours. We had an opportunity to talk to not only the caseworker, but her supervisor and the "head honcho" as well. All five of us, sitting at the conference table, "brain-storming."

I'd already phoned the caseworker on Monday about Sunday's blowup. She was horrified. And, let me tell you, she jumped right down son's throat when she talked to him. She will be coming to our house tomorrow to see Kalee's room, surroundings, etc.

We asked that she phone us yesterday after she had talked with son and his wife. She did - and we were surprised (but pleased) with their new visitation schedule. Son can only call Kalee once a day and can only see her one day a week. His visits have to be in "neutral territory" and we still have to monitor their visits, i.e., we have to be there.

I'm sure son and wife were quite ticked off when DSS smacked the ruler on the top of his hand. Their attitude: "You BEHAVE YOURSELF when you are visiting your daughter or you will have NO visits." (None of those restrictions have been placed on Kalee's mother because she is cooperating with DSS as well as us.)

DSS also told him that he had to treat me with respect when his daughter is around. They said to him that they think it is ridiculous for me to take Kalee to the psychologist son and wife like (3-hour round trip), and that I am free to find one here in our town.

So, all in all, these pseudo-adults got their "Up and Commense." And, "I", my friends, feel SOoooo relieved. I don't want him in my house anymore. He has been so damn hateful to me that, even though he is my son, he can kiss my rosy red. I might've "birthed" him, but I didn't raise him to be an A#$%^hole!

Brenda, I agree with you that babies are "pre-programed." My first son (the one I'm now dealing with) was a very good little boy; very patient with sharing his toys; good appetite; liked everybody. Second son came out screaming and hasn't stopped yet! He would not take a pacifier; he got colic; very picky eater; went through a "perfectionistic" stage to where he would get highly upset if his shirt and pants had wrinkles, etc. That stage almost drove me crazy. He was in 3rd/4th grade then.

Two peas in a pod? NOT!!! Now, though, it seems their personalities have sort of "switched." Not that my "baby" isn't still a WILD CHILD, but he is so loving and affectionate with me. He's very nice to Bill and they get along very well. Oh well, go figure.

Kalee's having the Tae Kwon Do lessons today, among other things. Yesterday she learned to play tennis and was so excited that she said, "When I grow up, I want to go on TV and play tennis and make lots of money!!!"

She "made dinner" for us last night. Scrambled eggs, grits (regular color this time), bacon and toast. VERY good!

Tomorrow night, we are meeting son and clan for a visit to a local theme park. From 6:00 to 8:00. He was ever so nice when he called me to ask if he could take her there.

~ Janie ~

Good gosh!!! I am always amazed with the things that humans do. Your son should be sucking up, pretending at the least. But to visit his daughter and DO THAT TO HER is saying one thing, HE WANTS TO SCARE KALEE INTO SUBMISSION. She'll keep the family secrets safe because she is afraid of what Daddy will do when there is no one around. Keep that man away from her and you will begin to see a different child. She'll open up and tell you what she's thinking. She'll share why she is scared.

Your older son in some ways reminds me of the BIL....... BIL always resented my husband. He thought he was the only child and was almost 6 when Chuck was born. AND this is an old italian family, the first born son IS IT. Hence the narcessistic personality. He never agreed to have a brother. He still believes that he was wronged and Mommy should send that baby back! (and baby is now 46.......) He was born to the tune of "Oh What a Lonely Boy".

Now with my own little family, my daughter, the second born feels wronged. She wanted to be an only child too. Only she still wants me all to herself. In her mind she feels that she has the right to demand that I send her brothers back, and get rid of the second husband too. I want you all to myself Mommy has been her motto for life. So go figure! It's a personality disorder. (borderline fits her to a T)

You raised two boys, each with different personalities. I am a firm believer that nature not nurture gives each of us the basis for our personalities. It doesn't matter what you did, didn't do, or over did, your son was programmed before birth. My daughter is exactly like her father and she spent ZERO hours with him from birth till age 6. Then she spent 3 hours. Never saw the guy again until she graduated from high school. Yet she is the exact same back stabbing conscience-less being that he is........

My point? Your son has absolootely no concept of his daughters needs, he has no idea that she even has needs unless they fit within his own. (even if they did, he would make sure his were "more important") He has his own self centered, self fulfilling phrophecy "I am the only one".
Just call me veeerrraaa PHD and send your copay............. 18 more years of college and I'll have my license so for now I'm just practicing......
Janie you are doing something wonderful for Kalee and don't forget that. She never will!

May the frog have mercy on my soul.
Power to the puppets and peace to all people.

My little "Kalee-girl" had a great day at camp!!

When we went to pick her up this afternoon, we saw her "flying" make-shift airplanes out on the front grounds. They'd had a visit today from the "Mad Scientists". They're an organized group that goes around to different camps, etc., to talk about scientific things. The topic today was AVIATION and then each child made airplanes to see if they'd fly.

She also had gone swimming and was bright red! Bill and I took her to the store and bought some "Barbie" sun screen. I'd forgotten how much fun it is to have a little girl around. I swear, even though Bill is a "tad" authoritative (sp?) in many areas, with Kalee he gets very soft-hearted and gentle. I really think she could wrap him around her little finger, if she was smart enough to know "what to do."

She talked with both parents tonight. Once during supper, the phone rang. I said, "No calls allowed at supper time." She resisted, with body language. Next time the phone rang, Bill said .... "Just answer it and if it's for you, tell whomever it is to call back because you can't have calls while we're eating." She did that. Then we had a nice peaceful dinner.

Today, while Bill and I were out shopping for a TWIN size mattress, I found myself looking at little girl's bathing suits. Kalee is tall, but very thin. She wears a 7-8. I swear, I felt so fantastically GOOD looking at those little-girl things.

Also, I felt like "the proud parent" today when we went to pick her up from camp. I asked Bill if he felt any of those emotions and he said, "yeah, a little." (Bill has taken care of children in the past .... they were step-children.) He's so GOOD with kids.

I'm tired. Going to bed. I put Kalee to bed at 9:00. It was storming ... thunder and lightening. She wanted me to sleep with her, but I told her I'd just "sit with her" and talk until she went to sleep.

Zzzzzzzzzzz Nite-Nite, you guys. Thank you for your caring and support. I worry SO much about how Kalee will turn out and who will be the "final" parent in her life ... her Mom or her Dad.

~ Janie ~

Janie, I"m sorry this all seems to be getting more complicated rather than Kalee being able to settle into a calm, peaceful routine. All I can say is it sounds like you and Bill are doing everything in your power to protect Kalee and play it fair with her parents and I'm impressed with how you're handling it. You must be so tired, and so sad. My prayers are with you-Melissa

"Whatever tomorrow brings, I"ll be there-with open arms and open eyes"