When Jill and I first started taking care of her father, Dada, seven years ago I wish I knew how relatives could be so non supportive.
Jill has only one brother and he lives in California. We live in New York. I those seven years he never once asked about what he could do to help. In a recent email he wrote that it was "nice of us" to take care of Dada. He then wondered what happened to all of Dada's social security money because in his mind Medicare pays for everything including taxes, insurance, personal hygiene items, food, co-pays, etc., etc.
I was angry with him for years.
Then I found Byron Katie, the author of Loving What Is.
In that book Byron describes what she calls The Work. Doing The Work enabled me to see that when I believed my thoughts instead of what was really true for me, I experienced a kind of emotional distress. After doing The Work, I experienced a great deal of relief.
There are two parts to doing the Work. In this post I will explain the first.
On a piece of paper write an answer to the following questions.
Who angers, confuses, saddens, or disappoints you, and why? What is it about them that you don't like?
How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
What is it that they should or shouldn't do, be, think, or feel? What advice could you offer?
Do you need anything from them? What do they need to do in order for you to be happy?
What do you think of them? Make a list.
What is it that you don't want to experience with that person again?
Be honest with yourself.
This technique works for people in any situation. It works if the hurting occurred in the past or even if the other person has died.
It allowed me to come to grips with my non supportive BIL. I also found out from talking with other CG's that non supportive relatives are quite common.
In my next post I'll share with you what to do with the answers you wrote down.
This care giving experience has been an immense learning experience.
What do you wish you knew when you first started taking care of an elderly parent?
Best wishes.

the care giving experience is a learning experience.To me the rules of the 12 step program can apply.
It challenges you very being.It can give you character you will never loose.It is an educational experience physically and emotionally.
It gives you confidence to do or try almost anything thrown your way.With the negatives, in time you will see so many positives.

Tom,
I'm also glad you found some solace in her teachings. There are many religions and philosophies that help us on our way.

But, I have to agree with MB, who is a moderator for our group, we leave those kinds of discussions out of our forum. There is a wise and true rule: never discuss religion or politics among friends.

Keep us posted on "your" feelings not Byron Katie's.

quote:

Byron Katie

Tom, it sounds like you and your wife have found what you are needing with spiritual leader Byron Katie. Her work is great and I am happy for you. I doubt if we could be of further service to you here because you have already found a way out of your suffering.

For those who are interested, they are welcome to Google Byron Katie and read her books. They are certainly a fascinating read and her point of view has benefited many in spiritual need.

But beyond that, we won't be setting up lessons in her teachings here, Tom.