This is my first posting to this forum. I never posted to any forum before. I started posting two days ago with ECO and started off in the wrong group.

My name is Tom and my wife, Jill, and I took care of her father, everybody calls him Dada, from Nov. 2001 to June 9th of this year, when he passed away.

He was 89 years old when we began his care and he had congestive heart failure, kidney failure and a mild form of dementia.

We began his care with open hearts and empty heads. The only help we had was when the Visiting Nurse would come after he came home from rehab. We did everything else ourselves with some help from our children. His only other child lives in California and was of no help.

I found caring for an elderly person the hardest thing I have done. We raised four children, changed jobs and industries and put up with the normal stresses of life but nothing even comes close to elder care in terms of frustration.

I am trying to understand why it was so hard. I'm trying to understand the conflicting emotions that elder care raised in me.

I've found that only people who have done elder care know what I am talking about. I look forward to sharing insights with you.

I hope that this post wasn't too long.

Thanks for reading it.

Tom Krahel

quote:

Originally posted by Tom Krahel in "New Cargiver's Meeting Room":

I appreciate your responses. Jill and I are trying to sort out our feelings about this whole experience.

Dada was in rehab for 100 days after his most recent hospitalization. We enjoyed the freedom of not having to have someone at home to watch him.

But we made the commitment to him that we would bring in home although we were dreading it. He passed away while in rehab.

Jill is having a hard time with all this. I wish I knew about this forum while we were actively involved in his care. It would have been comforting to know others understood...

...Best wishes to you all for the love you share with your parents as well as with the rest of us.

Thank you again.

Tom Krahel

Tom, please also accept my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your father-in-law. I know this is a tremendously difficult time for you and Jill.

There certainly are a lot of emotions (often very strong ones) involved in eldercare. They run the gamut and they don't magically vanish when our loved ones die. I, too, wish that you had found ECO earlier...but the same wonderful people who share on this forum will be here for you and Jill now, even as they would have while you were still caring for Dada.

I lost my mother in January of this year, Tom, so a lot of the emotions you are dealing with are still with me, too. Additionally, I had to put my mother in a nursing home for rehab for a while, so I can empathize with all of the conflicting feelings and thoughts that you must have experienced in that regard...and are still experiencing.

I remember feeling, on one hand, a great deal of relief when mom went into rehab--and on the other hand, a lot of guilt, fear and trepidation. I remember "lying" to her, telling her that I would bring her back home as soon as she had recovered well enough for the doctor to allow it---I say I lied because I really never believed she would ever be well enough again (but she needed that hope to hang on!). I am fortunate in that she did recover enough for me to bring her back home with us. I don't know that I would have dealt with that "lie" very well if it had not worked out that way.

I also recall that while mom was away, that even though I did sense some relief, I bumbled around with no sense of direction. I had no idea of how to spend my time. I beat myself up for not catching up on all the matters I had been neglecting while caregiving--I just didn't know where or how to begin.

These days I often feel very much the same. But sometimes (more and more often, now) I give myself a little credit, and time. I am beginning to realize that under the same circumstances anyone would have done, said, or felt things that they might later feel guilty about--whether it related directly to caregiving or even the things that necessarily are left unaddressed because of caregiving. We all have our regrets and conflicting emotions.

When I start feeling guilty or thinking too much of my various inadequacies in caring for my mother, I try to also remember a few of the things that I did very well. And I try to remember a few of the things about caregiving for which I am extremely thankful. I also remind myself that I did it!, after all--and so did you and Jill. We have cared for our loved ones the very best that we could for as absolutely long as we were able. For that you deserve to be very tender with yourselves, to love yourselves, and admire your accomplishments!

Eldercare is certainly the hardest thing I've ever done. As Moms-Buddy says, it is the work we undertake which finishes our growing-up. And growing up is not an easy job.

My best to you and Jill. I hope that knowing you are not alone in your feelings is of some help, and I hope that you will be very gentle with yourselves as you begin your journey of healing.

Tom, believe me you came to the right group in the first place. Like Mom's_Buddy said, it is about organizing so the chit chat (which is also important, but for different reasons) doesn't overtake topics like this, which require some serious thought before replying..

Your post is not too long, look around here. You will see there is not a set limit. I wish we could have been there to help you and Jill then, but you can both talk here now. None of us are going to tell you to "get over it"...

You spent seven years making every day as good as it could be for him. That really is what it is about. Oh, shoot, even if some of those days you missed the mark a bit, join the club. I started the full time gig when Mom was 89, that was 4 years ago. But she is in her own home still. I am a part of her "team" for 24/7 care. If I do as well as you and JillI have 3 years to go. Is that a good thing or not? Can I keep this up? Well it is a day at a time.

How do you feel about this long strange trip? I don't want to put words in your mouth. The two of you have been where the weak cannot go.

Hey Tom!
Same folks here as anywhere on the site, we just try to organize information and interests into different categories to make things easier for folks to find.

I hope that you and your wife KNOW what very special people you are to have undertaken Dada's care! It's a tough row to hoe, but with a lot of determination and love and patience, anything is possible.

The end of this road is hard. Even though we KNOW that we WILL have to part ways, it hits most caregivers very hard. We often second-guess ourselves, remember the things we did wrong or things we could have done better and above all, we MISS our loved one tremendously! I HOPE that y'all are remembering what an extraordinary job that you undertook and accomplished for the care of this man you loved so dearly. In most tasks in life, we are rewarded for our efforts - we WIN!! Caregiving for an elderly loved one is different because at the end, we lose the person we cherish. The rewards seem small and we are left with grief to go through after everything else... Caring for people whose lives are coming unwound, whose health is failing is very tough, especially for those who love them! PLEASE be good to yourselves! You did GOOD!! Where others in our society wouldn't even make the attempt, y'all stepped up and are richer in ways that are hard to describe to others. Every kindness, every little thing made a difference to your Dada. Even when he may have been unable to express his gratitude to you, you kept on doing for him anyway with only love to sustain you in your efforts.

I hope that both you and your wife will post and tell us about what's giving you troubles so that at long last, you will KNOW that you are NOT alone!!

Many, many blessings to y'all for your loving care! Update us when you have time. We're looking forward to getting to know you.