Today its been a month since I lost Mom. I look back, and it feels much longer to me.

I'm hanging tight, finding things to do around here to keep me busy.

The lady from the church came by today. I think she picks these "anniversaries" on purpose. I had another pile of stuff for her, as she's connected to the catholic charities. She took the albuteral I had no clue what to do with (and refused to throw it away).

Also trying to get out more. I'm realizing I don't have to be home by a certain time (for sitters), and that sometimes seems really strange. Other times, it just feels good to stay away as long as I can with 2 dogs here.

Strange enough, I knew when I went to the closet, and tried to get one shirt down, and 3 came with it, that would be the day I swapped back closets. Wouldn't you know, it happened today.

I spent a good 2 hours swapping closets today. I like to say I think I'm done, but I'm afraid to look in the guest room to make sure!

Still not ready to move back in my old bedroom (Mom's bedroom). I can't even say when that will occur. I'm still comfty where I'm at, and have a little more room without 15 pairs of shoes in the corner (lack of closet space with the small closet).

It still feels weird at times. House is way too quiet at times. But I'm keeping my mind occupied. Sis kept me occupied this past weekend with boat rides.

I'm starting back smoking outside again and in the bathroom with the vent on. All it took was coming home that night, and opening the front door! OMG...smelled like cigar in the house (no, I don't smoke cigars!). I'm trying hard on this anyway, and doing pretty good on it, since its VERY hot this month!

Merrwid, every closet in the house isn't mine. Mom now has the small one, and I just got hers back.

At one time, I had 3 closets in the house, one for each bedroom. I got the idea, that I needed to knock the wall out between the master bedroom closet and the adjoining room closet and make a walk in out of them.

That worked fine, till Mom moved in, and I gave her the master bedroom, and I took the room next to it that had NO closet, as I'd stole it for a walk in. So that put me in the very smallest closet of the house, which was in the guest room (not very convenient when we had guests).

Went in the guest room today, to look for a blouse to wear all Mom's stuff is packed tight in there. You couldn't fit a fart in that closet now.

Still every day at 3pm, I look at my watch. I can still hear her say "its about time for my 3pm medication, isn't it?".

Seems so strange to go spend the day at baby sis's and not worry about Mom. When sis says "boat ride" I'm outta here! They only put it in the water on weekends. They are talking about getting a lift, to lift it out of the water, but that will probably be next year before that happens.

I just know though, deep in my heart, Mom wouldn't want me isolating myself, and grieving hard. I think after finding that poem "Safely Home" in my drawer (still dunno how it got there), its really eased my mind a lot, and kept me from grieving hard. I have a feeling Ms Lois from the church helped her get it in my drawer. I found another copy of it in one of her drawers the other day too. Strange how 2 copies of that (so far) have been found here in my home.

That really is such a strange feeling, to have it dawn on you that EVERY SINGLE CLOSET in the house is now yours!
And see, even just a month later, I bet you spent most of those 2 hours with Mom only at the back of your mind, not right up front.
I hope that comes across in the right way, because I don't mean to trivialize your feelings. I know I've said this before, but there will come a day when Mom and caring for Mom and losing Mom are not the first things you think of when you wake in the morning, the last at night, and for most of the day. You'll realize that you haven't thought of her for a long long time - say 20 minutes or so. And time will go on, and one day you'll 'forget' she's gone, and can't wait to tell her the funny story you just heard from one of her friends at church. And so it goes, like some crazy park ride. Just remember, when you're in the middle of the ride, it will slow down and stop. And we'll be here to catch you when you come wobbling off.

Thanks BC. I'm sure doing better than I expected to do when this time came.

I made another huge milestone today. When Mom lived in TX, I'd buy her those large print crossword puzzle books.

Well, NOBODY told me she quit working them! I had a whole shelf on a bookshelf full of them. So I called a nearby nursing home, and they were tickled to get those and any other magazines we had.

I packed them up in a big box, and took them. It was heart breaking, but I did it. The lady there asked about my Mom, and I almost started crying right there in the parking lot.

I know they will go to good use though.

So that's one shelf of the bookshelf cleaned off. 1 shelf down, and 5 left!

I'm still collecting old glasses in one drawer. About the time I think I've found them all, I find a few more pairs. I know the Lyons club uses those. When I think I have them all, I will find one of their thingies to put them in at an eyeglass shop.

Time has a different meaning now, feels differently, passes differently.

Your Mother would not have liked to leave a big hole in your life. She would want you to find a way to fill up your space. Boats are very good. You are doing great!!!!