A memory that leads to a weepy moment, I mean. With me, it was one line in a movie. Has anyone had a similar experience?:

After I (an only child) spent many years helping my mom one way or another, she died 2 months ago. I've posted here before how I've had a little difficulty hooking up with a grief counselor or group, so i am working through each day on my own, Baby steps and all that.

Most of the time I think I'm OK. The holidays came and are almost gone and I haven't self-destructed or broken down - once- well, almost.

The night before New Years eve my boyfriend and I went to the movies- "Dreamgirls", a musical. During one high powered emotional song, I got a little choked up. (Most people did). I was pretty much emotional burnt toast for the rest of the film. When we got home, I totally lost it. Bawled like a baby-then I made a connection:

Years ago my mom talked about her own mortality (I forget the reason). Mom thumbed her nose at me and said "I'm not going 'til I'm ready and I ain't ready yet. So there!". The song in the movie was "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going"

I never expected to make that connection. (I had heard that song before) Never knew what will get me thinking (not that I don't think about my mom alot (and yes, the bad stuff does start to fade away, and I do relive the good conversations in my head)

I'd be curious to hear others experiences, triggers, connections.
Thanks

My late mother's favorite song was Amazing Grace. She watched a PBS program years ago that featured Judy Collins singing her version of Amazing Grace. I teased her that she was singing off key but that didn't matter. At her funeral, the guests were supposed to sing this song as the last tribute to her. We all stood up to sing this song and today when I hear this song, I think about my mother! And it is almost always when I am depressed. That must mean she is 'watching' over me!

At my father's funeral we sang Aloha Oe which was written by Queen Liliu'okalani (Last Queen of Hawaii). It is normally played when people leave to wish them a successful voyage. Since he was born in Hawaii, it was a fitting tribute as he received full military honors (WWII veteran).

No tears flows BUT it brings a smile to my face as I remember the fantastic times I had with my parents.

I can't believe I'm reading this today. My niece who is getting married told me Uncle Doug came to her in a dream and told her to stop asking him to come to her wedding that he will be there like he was for her twin sisters and that there will be a sign. My husband loved those girls like his own and today as we were going over wedding plans down there the 3 of us were just remembering a lot of things and laughing and crying at the same time. Then when we went to leave we smelled True Menthol 100's that he use to smoke. We sent my son to warm up the car as if we said anything he'd get upset, and we had a long ride home, and we laughed at how he came to be with us today. As I sit here now I realise just how comforting it all was.

Sandy, your emotions are shared by all of us.It took me over a year to get back to accepting her passing.I have so many things that remind me of her.Maybe the fact that we were so much alike and She lived with me for 25 years.Thank god we have these memories to hang on to.There is no time limit on grieving and missing someone. There is not aa day that goes by that I do not find my self saying something my mother always said.I had an experience after mother passed.It was late evening and I had taken a shower.I came out of the bathroom and there was a sweet smell in the air.Not from me as I was unable to wear fragrances.I went around smelling all the candles, nothing.I then recalled this was an Alferd sung fragrances my daughter had gotten for her.I have to tell you when I came out of the bathroom and smelled that is scared me to death.Iy happened one other time out side my bedroom.Just me upstairs.The smell was so distinct.I told my daughter and she had the same experience.She was afraid to tell anyone as they would have thought she was crazy.It has never happened again.I truly wish it would as it would have been a sign to me.My aunt use to see her all the time a month before she passed.I would tell her she was making sure she was ok and wanted her to know the same.I told her I wish you would have made herself visable to me.
Our Janie had an incident with butterflies.That is why they mean so much to her.

Mom has been gone for 3 months now. In the last wk what triggers sadness is listening to other people talk about their relationship w/their Mom. I don't hear what they are saying because I am too busy fighting back the tears & thinking that's something I will never have again.

It's odd because 2 months after Mom died it was like I came out of the fog & could talk to people. Now I don't think I could get thru a conversation w/o shedding a tear. Guess it's back to baby steps & one moment at at time.

Sandy- we all have stories like that- something that happens just on the day of your loved ones' death, or the funeral day, and we look for some sort of rationale, explanation, or connection.

For example, the day after my mom died, I found a well-dressed street musician (jacket and tie) playing New Orleans jazz (my mom like jazz) on his trumpet, just outside my apartment building front door. I had never seen this before. I thought it was curious that he was there, on my street, (not a big location for street musicians) on that day. No one seemed to know where he came from, and frankly I had other things on my mind at the time, didn't stop to ask. I haven't seen him since. I'm sure it was a coincidence or there was some other reason he was there. I have no other family and few friends but I LIKE to think someone, somehow found out where I lived and sent him over just to play a tribute/farewell to my mom, sending her off in style.

It's just certain things that just happen to happen on THAT day, that you may not have thought much of otherwise. Because it occurred on a day so important to you, it becomes part of that memory.

EVERYTHING triggers a memory of my father. I live every waking moment thinking about him. Even when I'm not thinking of him, he's still 'right there'....I can't explain this but he is. I still, after 6 weeks have this great big cry stuck in my throat over losing him. I feel as if I'm in an elite group of like-minded people who can only belong to this group by having lost a loved one...very strange and again, I can't explain this. Every elder person I see, saddens me. I think of their loved ones and how someday, their hearts will be broken. I drive by golf courses and see men enjoying themselves and think of my father whose favorite pasttime was golf. Whenever he was in the car and saw these men golfing, he'd say, "Those lucky bastards" and meant no ill-will towards them; it was just his way of expressing it all. Everything reminds me of my father.... I was told by 2 people about birds coming to visit them after loved ones had died and I thought to myself then, "how sad." My girlfriend whose father passed 6 years ago told me that after the funeral, the family went back to his home and found a bird trapped inside that had somehow, mysteriously gotten into their home. My aunt who lost 2 sons, told me of these 2 birds who used to sit on the window ledge all the time after her sons had passed. Last Tuesday morning, I noticed this bird perched on top of the front doorway. There's a window with a ledge above the front door here and there, sat this bird all morning long, looking into the house. It made me wonder........

Not one day goes by that I do not think about my mother and father. I miss my mother's cooking, the way she could always make things better for me and how she always made sure I was OK. I was a caregiver to my father and his one year anniversary of his passing is coming up in a few days.

When I see any older couple, it reminds me of my departed parents and it saddens me to know that I did not give them grandkids. If I do have children, they will never know their grandma and grandpa. That is the most painful part of not having my parents. And of course, you hear everyone say "My Mom or Dad" but I do not have any. Around Mother's and Father's Day it hits really hard.

The song Amazing Grace was my mother's favorite and we sung this song at her funeral so every time I hear this song, it brings tears to my eyes.

But then again, some of those tears are tears of joy because I know they are no longer suffering in their diseased bodies. They are rejoicing with our Lord. Free of pain, no sorrows, no fears . . . just pure happiness.

Bob cat. there are so many foods that remind me of my mother and aunt.The things they liked and would say " that taste like more"My mother would help me make potato salad.She always had to clean the chicken and turkey.Wanted the insides to be clean.My aunt loved ice cream and my mother coffee and peanut butter crackers.Many times I would be making things or serving and would mention one or the other as liking it.Mother loved to hang up clothes.I can still see her with her walker, bringing in clothes.Some over the walker , some over the walker.When I am cleaning the creek I can hear her say how important it is to keep it clean and free flowing.She like me was a very physically hard worker.She never liked to iron, my aunt loved it.We use to laugh and say she could make the iron walk and talk.
What would we do with out these memories.To think there are many who do not under stand how these little things mean so much.Because that is who they were.I have so many memories as they both resided with me for 25 years.Also a few bad memories that tested us but we past the test.What was so sad my mother was so insecure about her self but she always did things great or to the best of her abilityMy aunt was the same in many ways.To her it was shameful if she showed a weakness in certain areas.

What doesn't? So many day to day things are trigger issues. My niece, who died 1990, of cystic fibrosis at the age of 13, always sent us on the search for the perfectly ripe, but spotless banana. Each and every time I buy bananas, to this day, I think of her standards. Fortunately, no one I buy for now is so strict, but I always judge them by her standards.
About 6 months before my brother(the father of the niece) passed away, I made him some fish cakes. He had made us all pretty angry with his reluctance to do any thing to improve his situation, take charge of his depression) and I had gotten busy with Mom, so when he said he would love more, I gave him the recipe and dropped off the ingredients. I never made more for him, and suddenly he was dead. everytime I make fish cakes or salmon cakes, it's all I can do not to choke. And It's one of Mom's favorites. A regular thing. Kicks me hard everytime.
Truely not to minimize this issue, but when I pass by the Milk Bones in the pet food section, weekly, My dear corgi,who had to be put down at the age of 15, jumps up to nip at my heels, and then dissappear. I can't leave the house, or stay at home, without something jerking me around almost every day. That doesn't sound comforting ,I know, but as time passes, these flashbacks become wonderful moments intime, where my LOs are still with me, still build who I am, still prod me to be the best person I can be.
I don't feel that I can ever live up to the memories, and expectations, but maybe I have a goal. It's that or self destuct , somedays.
Respectfully yours, Bobcat

Sandy F, what you are feeling is so normal when we loose a loved one.Your heart is doing what it is meant to do.Letting you feel emotion.
You have every right to shed the tears or show any emotion that comes to mind.
We are never prepared for the loss of someone so precious to us who have been in our lives forever.Please, do what you need to do to get through this.I hope you have those who will give you the support you need.I recall having times when I wanted to be by myself to talk to my mother and cry by myself.I think the fact that I allowed my self to cry helped me in so many ways.Just know , a part of dad lives on through you and your brother, then through any children and grand children.How great this is to know you possess so much of mom and dad.Their blood flows through your veins.You will be the extension of how good they were.
Please make sure you are caring for your self.
We are with you and pray for you.

Every waking moment is a memory for me right now. My father died 4 days ago and every day becomes more intense, one continuous sad feeling instead of moments. He slept a lot, was in bed a lot but his presence was felt and I didn't even realize how much it was felt until he was gone. I look forward to the day when the moments and memories are triggered when least expected and caught off guard. Right now I can't distinguish between all the memories. Yesterday I returned a bunch of books I took out from the library for him to read. He loved this one book which made me think of how, in all that he was adversely afflicted with and had to live with, he still found pleasure in life and still perservered. I open the refrigerator and see the juice he loved to drink and fall apart. Since he was struck, he had this obssession with handkerchiefs that I always made sure he had plenty of. I've been using them now as I haven't stopped crying yet.

Jo o, Many here experienced the void brought on by the loss of a loved one.Thank god we had someone in our lives that gave us those sepcial memories that will forever be imbeded in our heart and minds.
To be able to cry is good for the soul.It represents the sorrow we feel with the absence of that very special person.
Crying allows us to release emotions that are necesary for us to continue.Imagine if you and others were unable to shed these tears and they remained hidden .
How lucky we are to have time with someone who gave us these moments that will stay with us, never to leave.How powerful that is.

Dad died November 22nd, and the holiday season has been rough. My daughter and I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together. We fixed the family traditional meals, listened to the family traditional music, and told silly stories about Dad that made us both laugh until we cried. Over all, I've held up much better than I expected to.
Yesterday was my birthday, and the first time in maybe 25 years that I didn't receive a card mentioning what an OLD old maid I was becoming. It was always Dad's little joke, that even though he had 40 years on me, I was the old and serious one in the family, and it was what really brought it home to me that he is gone. I ended up cancelling dinner plans to just stay home and cry.

My gramps died in 1980 one month before I got married. My hubby and I got an apartment in Hasbrouck Hts. and get this the window in the bedroom had a smell that reminded me of my gramps. I'm not sure if it was an old smoke smell or what but the smell was there a year later when my dad broke his hip and we moved back here to help take care of him, (and I'm still here minus my dad and hubby). My husband had a song, Erik Clapton's YOU LOOK WONDERFUL TONIGHT that wasn't our wedding song but a personal song he sang to me and always said it was us. After he died that song came on when I was missing him most or needed advice/reassurance. My niece got married Aug. 05 and when the band leader asked for requests and no one went up he said he had to play this song that has been in his mind all day and someone in his head keeps telling him to play it and even though he hasn't played it in years he's going to give it the good old college try. You got it. Here comes Clapton and here I run to the bathroom bawling my eyes out. I had asked my husband to give me a sign he was there with us and unknown to me my niece prayed to him this morning to be with us in spirit because she wanted him there too. After the wedding when I was back at their house she told me she had asked Uncle Doug for a sign and was wondering if she missed it. I then told her about the song and we both sat there and cried till her mom and twin sister came in the room and we all then sat there laughing and bawling. Needless to say racoon eyes were on all of us. The next twin will be married in April and I'm sure there will be another sign. It's the memories that while can be sad at the moment can bring us peace later on.

Betty here, There are so many memories that came to be about my mom.Most of the time is happens when I am by myself in the car..When this happens it makes me know how much I miss her .But how lucky are we that we have these memories.My brother who by his wifes doing does not have these memories.He has to sit back and learn from those who were apart of her life

We danced when we first fell in love, he'd hoarsly whisper the words to the song 'Slow Boat to China' in my ear. Those words,'I'd love to get you on a slow boat to China' come over my car radio and often enough, I stop and listen to the end of the music. Tears are in my eyes now as a type, 56 yrs later, it never goes away, and I am thankful.

As romantic as that is, there are times when it is so mundane. Last month I needed a new gutter out front and with a diagram in hand I was staring at the roof, trying to make sure it was right, and then--I swear I turned my head to the left to ask him what he thought. I stood there for some time the sensation was so strong. But a gutter!

They are always here, thankfully.

Sweetie, my dad passed away 41 years ago, but not a week has gone by since then that SOMETHING didn't trigger a memory of him... and sometimes, I still bawl like a little girl who's lost her dad! That's the flip side of loving folks... they are with you always, even when they are not around any longer. They live in our hearts with every beat, every breath we take. They are PART of us. They will never NOT be a part of us... Sure, when the parting is fresh, we tend to be more emotionally tender; but if we both live another 40 years, at the end of that time, you'll STILL be reminded of your dear mom frequently and often when you least expect it - because she'll STILL be a part of you!

I know it is disconcerting to feel a trifle emotionally unreliable - it takes a while to become accustomed to the change of our loved ones not being in our everyday lives as they once were. Stuff will catch you unaware and it's surprising how intensely those moments "come on," but it's all normal grieving even if it all feels pretty abnormal to us.

Music connects me to my father very often - I knew his tastes and sometimes I miss him terribly when I hear something I know he would have loved... And never mind about whenever "The Navy Hymn" is played!! I don't think I have heard that since his funeral that I didn't tear up and I don't expect that I ever will... I have come to think of those soft spots as personal treasures and I don't care HOW many times they make me cry - they are expressions of the love we shared and I always end up smiling through the tears.

Smells...definately smells WW although Martina McBrides "Concrete Angel" nailed me but good when I saw the video to that song. Music I think is always a trigger to memories because it hits us right where it counts...the heart.
Mourning the loss of my mom hit me hard and in a way that puzzled me being an adult. I couldnt for the life of me figure out what this was I was feeling then it hit me one day hard...I was no longer Bunnys girl...that was truly a strange day for me. I mean really...who thinks about that cause I never heard anyone say that to me in all my years...

Wordwench,

My Mom passed 1.5 months ago & yes there are songs & things that bring on the water works. The song "Who I am" by jessica Andrews gets to me every time.

One of the lines says "Momma is my biggest fan" and ironicly it was playing on radio when I was driving to the NH the nite Mom died.

wordwench, you are not alone with your feelings & grief.

I "put on a good front" & keep going cause of my 3 kids & hubby BUT when I am alone in the house I can't help but think about how much I miss Mom & would love to have her back before the disease.

Hang in there and know I understand the pain you are going thru.