Now that Milly is no longer in our lives physically I have the advantage of looking back on the last 8 years and the effect on me and my family. In general we did survive the Care Giving pretty well ........ maybe not as well as I thought though.

No matter how well we are prepared or experience in Care Giving it does not go without it's effects. I knew the dangers of caring for Milly as becoming such a huge part of our lives and the risk of self neglect. Though I tried hard to avoid the self neglect by us all, it still happen. Now that we are recovering from it, the effects are more obvious.

We all suffered from the effects of deprtession during this time, even more than I realized at the time. We are recovering but it is still going to take time. One thing we did not loose in this whole thing is the love we have for each other. It is most likely going to be our saving grace. We not only did not loose that love but I would say it has grown. We are also more secure in the fact that even if things go wrong or bad that we will not give up on each other. For me that is one of the biggest factors.

One of the biggest joys for me now is the rediscovering and the realization of the love and caring we have for each other. It has taken some time to get to this point but we are there. Caring for someone especially in the home can either tear a family apart or it can bring them together. I am so glad in our case that it has brought us more together rather than apart.

I loved what you wrote about trying to find something that makes you happy while caregiving. Every day is precious. We need to make the most of it. You are a wonderful example to us all.

Vicki

Sugarlips

So glad to hear you are dancing and socializing and living life. I'm not surprised though-it has been obvious to me for a long time that you have a lot of inner strength to not just survive the most difficult times life can throw you, but to find ways to thrive. You impress me. So tell me-as spring starts to seem like it may actually get here again, what kind of ideas do you have for the warmer weather to keep you busy? Anything with the initials FM perhaps??? You're not that far from Ohio-I think you should consider a road trip here when we have one of our big flea market extravaganzas in Springfield. What do you think?

"Whatever tomorrow brings, I"ll be there-with open arms and open eyes"

Hi Everybody, Thanks for responding to my post. I did so enjoy getting out and if I can show all of you who are still confined to the house caring for your LO that there is life out there, I think I am doing my job.

Henry was very good at living life. He never was a watcher, he was a doer. I am taking my cue from him and I am determined to live my life. So many people have regrets when they are lying on their death bed. I NEVER heard Henry utter one word about what he wished he had done. Instead, he could entertain the nurse and aides with his exploits over his lifetime.

If I never teach any of you anything else, let me teach you this: Even though we are caregivers and spend our time caring for others, this life is not a rehearsal, it is the whole show. We only get this one chance at life, so even though you are spending years out of you life caregiving, do something every day to cause you to feel enjoyment. When you hear someone say:Take time to smell the roses, this isn't just a flip saying. Take it to heart. Your life is going by whatever you do. Every day you live is one more day gone. Use those days to care for your Lo, but also use a part of those days to nourish your own soul. Read, meditate, pray, listen to music or whatever it takes to feel some pure enjoyment just for yourself. You can't take care of someone else unless you first take care of you.

Love to all. Margaret

Reading about your dances made me think of my mother.

Dancing was my mother's favourite activity!!! Up until she stopped walking - if music played - she'd dance.

At the day program she attended they told me that if they had a guest musician in, she'd get up and grab the first man she saw and start dancing with him.

One day she decided on a fellow with a walker, the coordinator told me he had such a shocked look on his face!! But the staff got on either side of him and helped him to dance with her. They said he smiled all the rest of the afternoon, Mom had made his day. They got a real kick out of her dancing.

Mom was an incredible dancer and none of us inherited her gift.

Oh Margaret,
You painted a beautiful picture with your words. Sounds like a wonderful place to have fun and lots of exercise. I am so glad that you had a good time. I hope you are looking forward to do more soon-some of us are living vicariously thru your experiences. I can't imagine right now a night off. We still haven't recieved the results of his tests. He is upset because I am dieting and loosing weight. He doesn't want me to have something going on that doesn't involve his needs. Kind of sad but I am determined to loose the weight I have gained since marrying him. And to do things that I enjoy while he is sleeping during the day.
Jan

Intense love does not measure, it just gives. --Mother Teresa

We really are a family here on the forum. Many of us are closer to some people here than our family members. This is a place where you can come to vent, ask advise or just ramble if that is what you need to do. It is a safe haven because we all understand what you are going through and do not judge you.

We have many members that choose to just read and not post, which is fine, so when you give advise or support to one you are helping so many others.

Edyth Ann,
Your point about getting your life and health back is so important. When you are a caregiger for a long period of time it takes a toll on you physically and emotionally. The recovery time is longer than I ever thought it would be. For me anyway. Because of this please take yourself to the Dr. when you are ill. Don't let things get out of hand as I did.

Vicki

Sugarlips

Day-O Banana boat song Just a song to start the day and for Margaret and everyone else to dance to.

Love, Kathie, k.c.allyn@att.net The journey of a thousand miles...begins with a single step. Confucius

AWESOME!

BODACIOUS!

COOL!

FANTASTIC!

GREAT!

NEAT-OO!

WAY TOO COOL, MAN!

WONDERFUL!

(Paying attention, Mikey?)

Anybody else wanna' jump in here?

Margaret, that night out sounds "right down my alley!" I love to dance and love music! (Just ask Edna May .... I told her that yesterday morning I was dancing in the kitchen with all the "guys" ((Ringo and the cats))!

I LUV IT that you don't care what THEY say! I hereby make you a new member of The Order of Steel Magnolias.




~ Janie ~

Jan, I am sooo happy that you told me I was a help to you. That makes me feel great.

As for the dancing, this is a country dance at the Community Center. Every one goes from the babies to great grandpa. There is a live band that plays country music for two-step, line dances, one square dance per night, a few waltz numbers, one twist number, and some old time rock n' roll. Being a great dancer is not necessary!! We just have fun.

There is at least one Paul Jones where the ladies join hands and circle one direction while the men walk around the circle the opposite way. The band plays music while everyone walks, then the music changes and you dance with whatever man is in front of you. You dance with him until the music changes again and you walk the circle until the music changes again and you dance with a different man. That's lots of fun.

Henry loved to dance and was a good dancer. He taught me what little I know, but I never was as good as he. But, what the heck, no one there is Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers, but it sure beats sitting home and watching reruns alone. Your friend, Margaret

Oh Margaret, you have no idea how much you have helped me. It is always great to read your posts.
Now if you could only teach me to dance. I'd like to hear more. Is it ballroom or swing or rocking and a rolling? LOL never did learn to dance.
Jan

Intense love does not measure, it just gives. --Mother Teresa

Vicki, This forum family is the way we all wish our family would be.

You can come to this forum any time day or night and feel free to post exactly what is on your mind. You don't have to mince words. You don't have to worry that someone is going to get hurt feelings if you say what is really on your mind. You can say anything and feel confident that the others here will understand and identify with what you are feeling.

Subjects like bedsores, constipation, adult diapers, etc are discussed openly here, when you might not feel free to discuss them with your closest family members.

Health issues, legal issues, orfamily feuds are all things we can discuss here and know that someone has the answer you need or knows where to find it and is more than willing to share their knowledge.

Caregiving is hard at the very best. But, just knowing that you are not alone makes all the difference in the world.

My husband is at peace now. I am starting to build a life for myself. If I can be of help to anyone, I am always happy to do so. Margaret

You are part of our forum family. Of course you have to stay here and help others that are just starting on this caregiving journey. I would miss you too much if you were not here.

I'm so happy to know you now have Henry's safely at home with you. Please keep posting you have a lot of caregiving experience to draw upon.

Vicki

Sugarlips

I really appreciate the kind words. I did finally receive my husbands ashes last Thursday. I was supposed to get them on Friday, the week before so instead of overnight, I waited for 6 days. That was the 6 longest days of my life. I was so afraid they had lost them, I was just sick.

I did call the company Airborne Express and complain, then I wrote a letter to the company headquarters in Seattle, WA. It won't help me, but maybe I can keep it from happening to anyone else.

I thought about not coming back and posting on the forum after my husband died. But, I received so much help and support from all the wonderful people on here when I was at the end of my rope. I kept coming back in the hopes that I can help others along this caregiving road just like I was helped. With the help I received here, I was able to carry out his wishes. He wanted to stay at home through his illness and he wanted to die at home. With the help from this forum and the Good Lord, I was able to do all that. I do not believe I could have done it had it not been for this forum. They held my hand every step of the way. I have made friends on here that I believe will last a lifetime.

As for the job, I'm not worried, something will work out yet. I'm a really good waitress, if I do say so myself!! I can always do that. I think it might be a little soon for me to go back into caregiving anyway. You take care. Margaret

Has anyone said, in awhile, thank you Edyth Ann for all your input into this forum. Being a moderator takes time, thought, and just plane work. You are appreciated. And, you were once a caregiver with all the hurts, stress, and sometimes joy that we all are going through. I don't think I could do what you are doing. When this is over, for me, I just want to walk away from it completely. But here you are and you just keep giving.

How are you doing? I think of you so very often wondering how you are getting by without your husband. I've seen most of your replys and all I can say is, "what a woman." But I know [or maybe I don't know because I haven't lost my husband] how lost you must feel at times. So glad you have family and that they are looking out for you. Sorry about your "jobs" $6 an hour is a joke. Better move to Arkansas. I'll send that envelop anytime you need it. Keep your chin up and keep posting/replying because we need your gentleness.

I don't care what words or accents you use, my life has been a pure torture since Friday. Friday was stressful, Monday was hell, Tuesday, I'm numb, Wednesday, I can't even imagine.

But, when this is over and I do have the package, this delivery company is not going to be in any doubt about how I feel, how my children feel and how my friends feel. I am just biding my time so I do eventually receive this package, then this sweet, kind-voiced Southern "lady" is going to turn into a Southern Bitch with a capital B. That you can take to the bank.

Looking around for that doggone thing!!! I just think I sound normal (whatever that is) ...... when I TAWK.

However, and this is very important so ..... PAY ATTENTION. I had to re-record the outgoing message on our answering machine five times so it wouldn't sound like "hillbillies" lived here.

Not that there's anything wrong with hillbillies; heck, I was one ...... from 1958 'til 1978. Then I moved back to my "birth state" ...... NC.

Know what? Bill teases me by saying I have one leg longer than the other one .......... so's I can walk on the hills better. Gettin' ready to go kick me some butt!

Y'all come back now, ya' heah?

~ Janie ~

Margaret, I hope today went well for you.We all know of the stress of monday but are hoping today is much better.Yes I did enjoy speaking with you.The sweetest and kindess voice and the best dogone southern draw.Janie too has this cute southern draw.It is so nice to hear the voice of those whose words we read daily.Now when I read yours and janies post I can put a voice to the words.The laugh becomes real because I have heard you laugh.It was a pleasure to have talked to you both.I am looking forward to talking to others that are part of the family.Vicki, Margaret says I sound like you on the phone.We have no special accent.BOO HOO!!!

Margaret, I hope today went well for you.We all know of the stress of monday but are hoping today is much better.Yes I did enjoy speaking with you.The sweetest and kindess voice and the best dogone southern draw.Janie too has this cute southern draw.It is so nice to hear the voice of those whose words we read daily.Now when I read yours and janies post I cannot hear how you sound.The laugh becomes real when I see the words I am laughing.It was a pleasure to have talked to you both.I am looking forward to talking to others that are part of the family.Vicki, Margaret says I sound like you on the phone.We have no special accent.BOO HOO!!!