It has only been 11 days and I have been so busy with insurance and junk.
It is wierd because I almost explained to my neighbor why I had my hair done because I felt guilty. Since hubby's illness I just stopped getting my hair done and it turned gray and I just pulled it up to a pony tail it was so long.
Before the service I had it cut dyed and highlighted. Bought new makeup. I keep thinking he would like that since he liked me looking good but I feel I should be in mourning or something. I keep telling myself he wanted to go he told me enough times. He said he was going crazy with the dementia those times when he was lucid. I know our son is grieving hard.
He went to Church and lit some candles and brought some home. Hopefully he will find some peace. You think you are prepared but you really aren't.

Nights are the worst. I find myself almost 2 months since my mom died waking up and looking for my husband who died 9 years ago lately. My mind is free of taking care of mom so I am finally grieving my husband. WIth all the stuff going on here too I also find myself trying NOT to wonder how different it would have been had he still been alive. I also know all about the guilt as well. Mom passed the day we went to go celebrate a close friends, like a niece to me and cousin to Dan's , wedding. If I stayed I don't think things would have been diffrent, it was her time and we told her it was OK to go before we left. I just take things day by day now.

teri. hi. how you doing? i'm sure i can guess the answer to that. i said that if my dad ever passed away i would never be able to handle it. there is much about his funeral that i just blanked out. to this day i have no recollection of the service or the flat tire on the way to the service or going out for dinner with my in-laws afterward. i was confused about where the take out boxes in the fridge had come from or that there had been a family dinner put on by the church after the service that we didn't attend. that was 8 years ago and i still cry when i am dusting abd pick up his picture. memories and emotions will be triggered my the most unlikely things. my mom passed in jan. and i find myself picking up the phone just to chat and cry when the voice comes on saying the number is no longer in service. at other times i find myself laughing and one upping others in the room to get the biggest laugh. that is a family curse! we were not from a wealthy family but even when all seemed darkest we knew that the greatest legacy our parents left us with was a sense of humor. i don't feel that i have to fill in these holes left in my heart at their passing with activities but reserve that space for their memories, both good and bad. it is all part of what makes us us. if you find yourself having a good day, and you will, don't feel guilt. you deserve it and your loved one really would want it. it will all take time and you will get sucker punched at the most unex pected times, keep in touch. although we all have our own stories only those who have been through the fire understand the pain. allow yourself little pampering. i sound like a preacher now and don't mean to, sorry.if i were with you i would probably give you hansel and gretel therapy, instead of breadcrumbs to mark the trail back i would leave a trail of little pamperings for you to pick up as you go, hair, nails, a silly movie, a warm breezy day with your face to the sun and your feet hanging in cool water, warm chocolate chip cookies, great music with headphones to block everyone out for a while, a great bubble bath with a sleep mask on, i could go on and on but i think the last one sounded really good to me so off to the tub! take care.

The nights ARE harder, aren't they, Teri?
We can do all sorts of things during the day, and even fall asleep in our chairs in the living room around 8 or 9 pm, and be very content (if it weren't for the exhaustion that MADE us nap in the chair!)
But at 2:30AM, when we wake for some reason, and don't see that beautiful face on the pillow next to ours...........
I'm right there with you, girl. We will get through this, one night at a time.
By the way - my husband's ashes are in an urn that looks like it was used to mix a couple of different colors of paint! Everybody sort of cringed at the description, but when they saw it, they all cheered - it was perfect for him.
There is no need to justify our decisions to do something, or to do it a certain way.
Hugs, to you and your son.

Hi Everybody, can't sleep just read the reply from fat, dumb, happy. It made me smile and remember when my wonderful full of life sister, Ellen Lee passed in October of 1991. She was opposite of me with her flamboyant attire where I was more into business suits and short hair.
But for her funeral I wore a gypsy type skirt that she always loved and a bright blouse. I knew she would love it. I helped her prepare for her passing as she had cancer and her husband had already died. we had such a fun time so when I think of her I remember only the fun things.
Today for some reason was hard and I had stomach problems. still waiting for financial dealings to be over with. had to go to the bank and rearrange things. what a bummer. doctor gave me Elavil to help but I am afraid to start those kind of drugs. I want to work through this a day at a time. Or I should say a night at a time.

teri, i'm new today to this sight but i feel my heart is old so i hope i'm not out of place jumping in before i know what is what. i read what you wrote and encourage you to take special care of yourself and your son. you should never feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone! i have a feeling that besides the hair and makeup you could have used a good massage to go with it and even though i don't know all you have been through i believe you would have deserved this for yourself. when my mom passed in jan. she requested that her service be a happy celebration of her life so we were to tell funny stories. there are 6 sibs so it was started by my oldest sister and everyone laughed at her tales. my next sis had more trouble but got through it. my turn. i am very shy but i kicked in and started in until robin williams would have been proud. my other 3 sibs were unable to do it so i jumped up to their rescue and then the rescue of a few others who tried and broke down. i ended with great applause and the officiating deacon was doubled over laughing so hard he had to take a minute to compose himself to finish the service. i was dressed in a vintage gold embroidered oriental jacket and pants and spikey gelled hair. my sister chose a red dress for my mom and we even put her tiny flask in her casket as an inside joke, she found that peppermint schnapps controlled her cough better than the doctor's steroids with no side effects. it was all unorthodox but we knew what would have pleased her. none of this meant that our hearts weren't breaking inside but the outside helped a lot of people get through this. point is, grief is not judged from outer appearances. in fact, i'm sure that the special treatment helped you to cope with meeting people necessary during this time and made you feel alive. if we didn't have to defend a stand up comedy act you don't need think twice about makeup and hair. it may even help your son in not seeing your grief mirrored everytime he sees you. you are in my prayers. healing doesn't come easily and you need to know that you are special and your memories and what's in your heart are what's important!people who matter understand and no excuses.

I get manicures. It's my message to myself that I survived an ordeal that destroyed my life as I knew it, but I'm still here and ten red spots make me feel feminine. I let myself go on many levels, how can you help it, but my nails make me feel good. Somehow I kept my hair up most of the time, but I've earned time to devote to myself--and so have all caregivers. Getting you hair done the way you described sounds wonderful to me. Enjoy!

Ditto what BC said, Teri - one day at a time and easy does it. Women get their hair done frequently when they have tough stuff to do and want to be able to "lean" on the prop of looking nice. I don't think anyone with two functioning brain cells would think of it differently. It's simply a way we have of "pulling ourselves together" when we have rough times to face. Wouldn't it be nice if all we had to get through was the service?!!! Heck, that ain't NUTTIN' - it's the days, weeks, etc. after that are so difficult: that's when the real grief and work of healing begins and it takes a heap of getting used to!! If your makeup was of a similar vintage as mine, thank god you replaced it! Seems like the few times I have to use makeup are so few and far between, I always have to buy fresh stuff as the other is so old it'd probably give me fish scales or sumthin'!!!

Don't second guess yourself - you kept your promise under tough circumstances and I think you deserve a medal for keeping your wits about you at a time when many of us cave. I think Manuel would have approved of ALL your actions, especially making sure you looked nice for his service!

Please give your son a giant hug from me and save one for yourself! It'll take time, but y'all will both make it through this. {{{HUGS}}}

Teri, I think being kind to yourself is the best way to honor Manuel right now. I'm pretty sure you can be in mourning and still have your hair done. I do understand how you could have mixed feelings about it. But, it is one of the rituals that we go through when we need to feel better.
So much changed for you so fast. One of those things, was time to get your hair done, and a need and opportunity to be out of the house and get things done with other people. Manuel would probably be pleased (like you said) that you are making a good appearance.
Take care of yourself darlin'. This has been a hard time for you and yours. Are you eating right? You and your son are in my prayers.