Hi everyone,
it has been quite awhile since I have been here. My loved one passed May 20,2007 8 months ago but it still feels like yesterday. This website will never know how much you helped me through his illness that started in 2003.

I couldn't handle the holidays so I took off by myself driving. Went over 2,000 miles from Southern California to 70 miles south of Oregon staying and visiting with my family. snow, rain even a levee broke near South Lake Tahoe.
When I got back a couple of weeks ago I found that our 38 year old son had used some of my credit cards. It is not alot but I feel violated. I had to cancel cards and get new cards. I tried so hard when his Dad died.
The house was just a blueprint when my husband bought it in 1950. I have been in this house since 1962 at times we did separate because it couldn't hold his, mine and our children. Just too small. But He was always there for me. I lived around the corner in a bigger house. Anyway we finally remarried and I moved back in when all the kids except our one son was left at home.
I am signing the papers for a reverse mortgage tomorrow I will pay off all credit cards and destroy all of them. I am going to buy a locked mail box and a safe for my papers.
What bothers me the most is that his Dad always wanted to give the house to our son free and clear, but it is not fair. He has other children and so do I.Our son will be off parole next month and he and his girlfriend live here but they don't pay any rent or utilities. once in awhile they buy food if I eat out and refuse to buy it. I told him as soon as he is off parole I want them to move out. I know I will have to get an eviction notice.He has never earned the right to have the house. I talked to all of the family and they said they would rather me be comfortable then paying on bills. I changed our trust to include my step-daughter who is having a hard time and our son and my eldest son who only knew my husband as a father from 5 years old. I said to sell the house after I die and pay off all bills and divide what is left equally.
The rest said they don't need anything.

But I feel like I am letting my husband down by getting the mortgage.

I can't afford the $800 a month equity loan we had and. Now with not being able to trust our son I feel pretty bad. My husband always refused to see the faults in our son until the times he was lucid toward the end of his life. Then he saw that our son has serious issues that neither one of us can solve.
I still feel guilty and miss him so dam* much.
in the car I played my country cd's and took his Dean Martin out of the car. Going to restaurants alone was hard. I kind of got used to taking a paperback book.
I remember the night he died and he had been lucid all day. he knew and wanted to go. He passed at home in our son's arms. I know my son loves/hates me because he always think I have so much money I won't miss it. But that is not true. Having credit cards does not say a person is rich. He is not doing drugs but I know he wrote a bunch of bad checks and has to go to class or to jail. He will go to class but I feel so lonely without my husband to talk to.

This is a long one but I needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for being there.

Hi Everyone

Thanks to everyone for sound advice. Right to the point. I can't fix anyone. I am planning for myself. I figure if I save $'s every 3 months I can travel to VA where I was born and other places. I have health issues so I will try to do as much as I can while I can.
Last night a process server came to my front door and gave the papers for my son to his girlfriend. I did not get involved. But I know he should've made contact with my son and no one else, but I kept my mouth shut. Sooner or later all his scams will crash down on him.
He is a good looking tall young man and yet he uses so much energy to get something for nothing. Go figure? Oh well I am still tall and don't feel like a real old lady so will try to have some fun.
Thanks again for the input.

Hi Teri!
I'm so glad to see you back. Because I also lost my husband last May, I've been wondering how you're doing.
Every day is still a new challenge, isn't it?
I think we're still caregivers - the only difference between caregiving last January and now is that we have to learn how to care for ourselves.
I know I'm going to make a mess of this, but I hope you'll understand what I mean. Toward the end of our husband's lives, we were the ones making all the decisions anyway, but it was DIFFERENT. Even if they couldn't respond intelligently, couldn't speak, said "I don't care - you decide", we had someone to talk things out with. Now it's just us.
I don't know why that scares the devil out of me, because I'm no longer responsible for anyone but myself. Where I take the car, whoever I hire to do the home repairs; you get the idea.
Teri, how in the WORLD did you have the courage to set out on a road trip all by yourself???
If you can do that, you can do most anything else that needs doing. Please don't think you're letting anyone down by doing what is best for you.
Hugs, Deb

Hi Terri, It's good to hear from you. You have to make the best decission for yourself. You have been generous with not only letting your son but his girlfriend live with you. I know it's hard. Just know I am thinking of you and take your time and make sure the decisions you make are for your wellbeing dear.

Hi Teri. The best thing about the holidays is that people come back to check in, to update, to touch base.

I think you remember all the "little guilts" that came with the turf of caregiving. The phase of life you have entered also has guilt that goes with the territory. We all make plans based upon what we want, what we need and what we hope. As time progresses, some of those plans change somewhat because unforeseen events happen or don't happen. In your case, your husband always hoped that things would work out for your son to own a home. It remains to be seen as to whether he has "grown up" enough to handle that gift. It sounds like he has already violated parole with his unauthorized charges, so he's not learning as rapidly as a parent would wish. That he continues to live without paying rent or utilities also speaks to his unfinished business with himself. You can always hope that he will turn things around, but until then, it serves only as an albatross to you, tying you to financial expenditures you do not want and forcing you to be a "safety net" for your son. Neither are in anyone's best interest and that comes before the desire to leave the home to your son.

You are making wise decisions for yourself. By doing so, you are giving ALL of your children the best gift of all: a good example.

Hang in there, Teri. Losing your best friend isn't something that one bounces back from in a few months, or even a few years. It takes time. You have already begun with the baby steps toward a reorganized life for yourself. Keep your eye on your goals, whatever they are, no matter how humble they may be. Your children are grown. They have the choice every day to make good on their own dreams or to blow up their lives - same as you. Some kids catch on quickly; others are late bloomers. Whichever your troubled son becomes is up to him. Your days of child-rearing are over. It's time for your caregiving energy to be directed inward. I think you are doing great and making good progress during a difficult period of transition.

Many blessings to you now and in the time to come.