Well all,

I am making some progress. I am in process of cleaning out Mom's room, donating her clothes and shoes so that someone else enjoys them.

I am making mom's room back into a guest room.

Today I plan to put up the X-mas tree.

Mom would be proud I am getting better, she wouldn't want me to sit around and mope. Not going to get into that dark place I got into after Tom's death.

So I am inviting some friends to dinner on Xmas.

Getting rid of all caregiver stuff, donating to local Elks loaner program.

Trying to regain my life. Getting my hair cut off and colored. A new me!!!

May you all be well. Sharon

Hey Sharon...

That "old fun loving self" is still there... and I hope you see "her" soon yourself. It's hard to keep a good woman down and I'm glad to learn you already captured a part-time job and are filling your home with healthy people who can laugh and appreciate your energy.

Hopefully, as time passes, you can enjoy the finer memories of your friendship with the woman you tried to help against all odds. Disease can change so many things but don't let it tarnish what both of you once had together. Like you, I wish her well but I also want YOU to stay well.

Wishing you good fortune and clear days... Florence is so beautiful in the autumn.
Joan Marie

Hi All,

Well I got a part-time office job!! And possibly a new room mate who I've known for 3 years. And yes she is well.

I am trying to focus on doing the little things around the house. Am working on a new website for a client too.

But my friend is weighing heavily on mind, she is still in the hospital and they haven't been able to place her. Her condition continues to worsen, and I do feel so bad. Sadly, I don't even feel I can visit her cause of all the accusations and not wanting her to become upset. What a sad ending to our friendship that I cant comfort her at the end.

Also trying to reconnect with my old fun loving self... where did that girl go?

Such is my life... for now. Sharon

Sharon, you have been through so much and now it is time for you to make a life that is meaningfull for you.As the nurse told me today, once you stop caring for another your life changes.Almost like being born again and having a chance to start over.Finding time out side the house will allow you to put things in perspective.Only you will know when you have come to terms with all the stress and pain you have endured.yOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT TIME LIMITS ON YOUR GRIEF , ETC.Give your self the pleasure of waking each morning and do the things that you once liked to do.I too, found that keeping busy helped me deal with mothers passing .I hope you find whatever it takes to make your life as you would like.Yesterday is gone, the memories will linger but tomorrow starts a new adventure in life.Take life and make it all that you can.No looking back , only forward

Sharon,
avoid making any major decissions or changes for at least a year from now. May I suggest taking a job at something that you enjoy doing, preferably something new and not looking for a career position at this point. Then in a year from now you can always change to a career position and make whatever changes you feel ready for. I look at the after caregiving as if it is a recovery period. It would not hurt to try 12 stepping it. They can easily be adjusted to caregivers.

Well, today I started all over again.... each time it gets a bit harder to begin again.

I did manage to get out to start my job search after having a full-blown anxiety attack this morning. Haven't had one of those in years.

Feel good I at least I got something done.

Thats it for now. Say a prayer I get something quick.

Sharon

Hi All,

Well the saga worsened before it got better. The stupid neighbor called the police saying I abused my friend.

The cops showed up on my door, after a zillion people called me already to say there was a huge bruise on her arm and how did it get there and the cops were photographing it. After getting all the information wrong, turns out it was the bruise she got from pulling out her IV, and when the nurse missed trying to put the IV in at the hospital when she had her TIA.

Sure scared the you know what out of me though... never having been accused of anything in my life.

I would like to sue the bloody neighbor! She could have checked with the doc first about the bruise before jumping to some wild conclusion. She has totally trashed my reputation and its all over town.

Cop treated me like I was scum too. Hope he felt like dog do do after he discovered I was innocent.

Anyway, I am breathing a bit easier now that's cleared up. And I am catching up on my sleep too.

I managed to apply for a job, sure hope I get an interview at least. Keep your fingers crossed.

Sharon

Hi All,

Well the saga has come to the end I feared.

She began accusing the neighbor of stealing her money, and got violent with her. So they took her to the hospital ER and she's in restraints probably on her way to the mental institution.

They took the poor dog Norm back to the shelter he had come from just 6 mos earlier. I am heart broken I couldn't keep him..... he's such a happy dog. But then they didn't even ask me if I would take him... just carted him off. This was what set my friend off on the paranoia of killing her pets. The crazy yoga god lady who wanted to get rid of Norm, and she finally did on her first day back into Kelly's life.

I did call the social workers and reported she was living alone in an unsafe manner on Monday. They said it would take an incident like this to get her placed.

She will definetly be declared incompetent now, and placed.

I feel sick to my stomach. And was so depressed last night before I even heard about this. I sure hope my life is gonna turn around soon so I can find that happy go lucky woman I used to be, cause I can't take anymore drama.

S

quote:

---

... Nope, I'm on a much deserved vacation. I may even go camping. Sharon

---

Completely understood and agreed, Sharon! Please know you have done your best under very trying circumstances and then b-r-e-a-t-h-e.

Take care and please keep in touch with us.
Joan Marie

Hi Edyth,

Don't worry I am avoiding the phone, and screen calls, and not even listening to my messages for a couple days.

The neighbor had 3 calls before 11 am.

And the butthead friend had the nerve to call me which i definitely did not answer.

Nope, I'm on a much deserved vacation. I may even go camping.

Sharon

Bravo Sharon!!! I know it is hard but let the social worker and APS sort it out. There is no way that anyone should have to deal with that type of mess. If anyone even thinks of blaming you give them her "friends" cell phone number and let them know that he took charge, dumped her in the house and left. In the mean time avoid the phone.

My heart goes out to you and your friend that is going through all this. In my books her so called friend that left her without proper care should be charged with abuse. It is bad enough when friends and family want nothing to do with the afflicted but to me it is abuse when you put them in danger. The place you found(and have used)sounds great=esp if she can keep one dog. The least her "friend" could have done was take her to the ER and explain he had to leave and she wasn't able to look after herself. I am so glad you had a good afternoon with the other CGer. Gypsy

Well you won't believe this ....

The friend dumped her at home in the care of the neighbor who hardly knows her and what, drops in to check up on her?...and caught his plane out of here. Thats negligence in my opinion at the very least.

The neighbor called cause she didn't know boo about her meds, and I guess couldn't read the pills bottles or medication print out from the hospital with instructions. And the "friend" didn't bother to tell her what the doctor said about discontinuing Paxil CR. Or even give her the doctor's name or phone number, all of which he had. He didn't call the social worker either or give her the number, just ran off to get a plane out from the mess he created.

He didn't give her the information on the sister either to contact.

She can't find her purse, god knows where it is?

After I finished writing up my documentation this morning...in retrospect... now that I've slept and calmed down. I think 75% of this was caused by the friend.

He didn't want her to take her medications cause she never took pills, so she got suspicious of them. Duh, did he ever consider this is why she had the stroke in the first place because she didnt take high blood pressure meds or her thyroid meds.

He didn't want her to have the assessment, and wanted me to cancel her doctor appointment. I refused. I think he made her believe they would lock her away for life, cause that's what she kept saying.

He didn't want me to consider adult foster care cause he thinks they are the snake pits of the turn of the century, which I tried to give him a better view of because I know the owners real well and have been to the facility which is very homey. Used to take my own mother there for a day off once in awhile. I had her convinced prior to this it was a real nice place, and she could keep her one little dog there, food is great, and its pretty set in teh woods. Peaceful. He terrified her she could never get out again.

When he didn't get his way with me on the phone, he jumped on a plane and I believe now told Kelly to not do anything till he got here to help her.

So now she is unsafe living alone in house that is really unsafe with loose throw rugs, very steep stairs everywhere. No bathroom equipment or comode. She has her car keys but a revoked license. An accident waiting to happen.

Breaks my heart... but I'm not getting involved.

Was rather surprised that several of her friends called and were sympathetic to me. Of course I will be hearing from the angry ones too I am sure.

Went to the beach all day to avoid the phone, and relaxed with the other caregiver. Was great!!! Sand, Sun, Surf, beer and a picnic with a friend. Haven't done that in ages. We both said we felt free, and laughed up a storm.

I notified the DIL, of the situation. She can call the social worker.

Will keep you posted. Sharon

[QUOTE]Originally posted by may:
gypsy, YOU GAVE IT YOUR BEST.[QUOTE]
May when I read this I was confused until I realized you were talking to Sharon. My job isn't done yet. How is your weekend going?Gypsy

gypsy, YOU GAVE IT YOUR BEST.Edyth said it so well and I see you are accepting her saying to not be a care giver again.You had enough.Remember the peace and quiet you are now experiencing.Once around is more than enough.You have a good hear and you do not have anything to feel guilty about.Plan a life for your self

(((Sharon))) I am so sorry you have had to go through all this. I hate it when people who don't know anything about the situation try to tell you what to do. I think it is horrible that you were treated this way by the so called "friend". I am glad you didn't weaken and saw that she needs more help. You tried so hard to help her and I am glad you haven't let Joshua pull a guilt trip on you. (I hope he apologizes once he realizes all the problems(wouldn't hold my breath for that)Your place must be quiet without all the animals. Get yourself some good rest and get your own life back together. Are you still doing your heath workshops?Gypsy

Hi All,

Well the doc visit was the nightmare from hell! The "friend" arrived after convincing Kelly he was gonna take over her care and rescue her from her fate of adult foster care even though i spent hours reassuring him, the doctor diagnosed progressive vascular dementia as possible result of multiple strokes. Told him i would visit daily and it was a really nice home like atmosphere. He also informed me the night before, Kelly had a half sister. We tried to locate, and I found her I think on the internet but we were unable to contact her over next 48 hrs (she hasn't spoken to her in 2 years, not promising). She told the staff at the hospital and ER she had no family.

So the doc visit starts with her accusing me that I am preventing her friend Joshua from finding her... i gave him the wrong directions etc. Told the nurse I was trying to control her with meds, when she asked me to confirm her current medications.

Right at the beginning of reviewing the violent episode and possible med reactions. And does she possibly have a UTI, She states she doesn't want me to make any decisions for her. She wants her sister and Joshua. So I looked at doc, and told him I had to honor that request. To call the social worker and APS. Told him the 5 page list of documentation of symptoms was on the table for their review.

Joshua arrives and we start to review the meds, and symptomlogy which I have documented. I am asking the doc why the home health, social worker and neuropsychiatrist haven't called and done the assessments as he requested last friday. I tell him to get the social worker in here NOW to make the assessment.

After she goes off on me again in front of everyone... i told the social worker to call APS and have them remove her from my home because she doesn't trust me, is unhappy and is making wild accusations which I have documented, and others have observed.

I said I would wait in the waiting room to see what their decision is.... social worker arrives. Wait an hour and half. They come out and ask me to go to lunch to discuss their decision.

I go to lunch, and "friend" wants me to take Kelly back to my house. In the midst of his monologue.... she looks at me and states I am trying to kill her.

I said nope, no way. Asked him if he just heard this. He spent 5 hours sittin in the front of the restaurant on bench with him brow beating me to take her home. I kept saying no despite all the promises made to me.

Told him lets go call the adult foster care home, and see if they will take her. She couldn't for 2-3 days until family cleans the room out. I get some more referrals from a friend in the biz. After getting all the numbers, addresses, proprietors names to go check them out for a tour... he refuses and wants me to keep her at my home.

In the meantime, a friend finds the daughter in law who says she wants her to come live with her. I warned her and graphically described all her symptomology and financial picture to make sure she knows what she is getting into. I asked her to think it over, overnight. Instead she calls, talks to Kelly and then the friend who convince her she is gonna have a total recovery. Yikes! She is comming the next day at 4 pm.

I finally relent for 1 night til DIL comes, what a mistake. I did have the foresight to ask the other caregiver to spend the night to have a witness. Friend says he will be their at 9 am to take her to breakfast.

Next morning, no friend, lunchtime no friend, her anxiety and paranoia goes through the roof.
Finally friend shows at 1:30. I tell him I am really annoyed that Kelly has been stressing since this morning, and I placed 2 calls to him on his cell. Very blaise attitude. I request he take her to lunch and until 4 pm when DIL arrives cause I have had enough.

Social worker calls and says Kelly needs a conservatorship cause she is not competent.

Soon as he leaves, DIL calls and she's had a change of heart and isn't coming. I dont blame her at all, she has 2 small kids and her husband has just died a couple years ago of leukemia at 39. Tell her not to feel guilty, that Kelly needs professional help. She is gonna call the "friend" and tell him, and I tell her she cannot return to my home.

We had already packed her belongings, so I put her suitcase, meds, dog items on porch, and dogs in back yard. I put the social workers phone number on top and her house keys, telling him take her home and call APS, or to the ER. I go run errands to return all the loaned medical equipment.

I come home and the "friend" and her neighbor arrive, Friend demands I take Kelly back because he has to catch a plane... I told him he started this whole thing with his "rescue" and he can now finish it. He's made her so darn suspicious of her meds, that I am just "locking her up". etc. She won't do a thing I ask, not even take a bath, change her clothes or brush her hair.

Friend and neighbor begin to treat me like I am some criminal stealing her van and stuff, which I was just gonna begin packing to take to her house tomorrow morning per her DIL's and my discussion. WTF I threw her stuff in the van any which way and got them out of my life.


Talked to DIL who "friend" also brow beat and tried to guilt out, and reassured her she made the right decision. Kelly is too sick and needs a higher level of professional care than we can give.

Let APS handle it, I know the social workers and they know Kelly. The social worker told me this was gonna happen.

OK Edyth.... I am not gonna take on anymore caregiving ever again. I never wanted to be a caregiver to begin with. I have a doctor's appt. in a couple weeks for my annual.

My house is so nice and clean now, peaceful. I feel like I have my life back, peace and quiet.

I am gonna turn off the phone for a few days, and sleep.

And darn I don't feel the least bit guilty!!!! I know she is in good hands of her "friend" who will take care of her. Even if he is mad as hell.

Sharon

This message has been edited. Last edited by: careercounselor,

Sharon,

I am sorry to hear about your friend. Please do check into placement as the next move. She is not on the healing side and you need to start healing or you may end up in the bed next to your friend. If her other friend does not agree then he can take over her care.

I do want you to repeat after me now! "I will not take on another caregiving role for at least a year after placing your friend, or longer! My mother and my friend were suffering from diseases/condition that no human could make them better from. I am human and it was not within my ability (or anyone elses) to make them better. I can help myself by taking care of myself and giving myself time to heal, this includes having a full physical and following drs. advice."

Sharon I am so sorry your friend is having such a difficult time.I hope you find an answer for her. How is your friend's eyesight now? I guess that half sight can be really confusing. Mike still neglects everything to his left-I try to encourage him to pay attention to the left but notice lately it is getting more difficult.He also hates to be alone-he has improved over the years but I never leave him for more than a few min. such as to take out the garbage. He had a cath. when he had the stroke-he pulled it out and the Dr. said he wouldn't put it back-alot of the staff at various hosp. and facilities wanted him to have one as it would save them having to change the bed. He used the urinal when I was around but never learned to push the bell and ASK. Some of the staff hated that the Dr. wouldn't approve one.

Professor-I was interested in what you said about TIA's we still don't have any real answer. But what you said makes sense out of what our Dr. was asking about whether his whole body was affected it is very hard to tell since his left side is paralyzed plus it happens so quickly that you don't really have time to do much except make sure he is safe. We had 2 incidents just over a week ago. The first he seemed to lose the strength or balance(he was walking with our HS worker) ended sitting on the floor and had to use the hoyer to get him up.(he has never learned to get off the floor himself even with help except with the PT.) The next was at the table he slumped to the right, grabbed the table-was shaking so much the coffee spilled. Again it was over in a min or 2 and he has been fine since. Our Dr. wasn't sure-maybe TIA or mini stroke or something else. The same thing happened 2 times last year and they did a CAT scan, holter monitor, nothing new showed up but they added Plavix to his meds and he was good for a year. His bloodwork and BP were good the day of these new attacks. The Dr. warned me last year that he is like a ticking timebomb that we don't know when it will go off. I try to be patient and take one day(min) at a time but lose it at times which only makes matters worse.
Professor thank you for taking the time to contribute here it is greatly appreciated. Gypsy

Hi All,

Tomorrow we see the doc, to begin the assessments to see if its vascular dementia.

Don't think its a UTI, but I will recommend we check. Also want him to assess a few of her meds including the Paxil CR, Neurotin and Enalapril/Vasotec which have some of these symptoms too. We did review on the phone last week... but i dug up the patient lit/side effects list.

The catheter was put in to prevent her from getting out of bed due to several falls and her right side paralysis. She agreed to it in the ER, but after I went home to eat something... she obviously had another panic attack cause I left. Whenever I go out, or even nap in the other room she has a major panic attack.

Yes your right it is too soon after my mom's death. But I thought I was taking home someone who was well on her way to recovery who could be rational, could assist in her own care, and would be becoming more independent... its quite the reverse. She has declined.

Doc thinks it might be multiple strokes and TIAs, so I am sure we will be doing another CAT scan or MRI. Boy I stood in the booth for the last one, and her brain looked like a huge long scoop had been destroyed. Didn't look too minor to me.

Last night and today where hell. If it was me, I would classify her as psychotic. She can't retain information for more than 5 minutes, and then its all twisted around to some horror story with me as the bad guy. I reassure her, and 5 mins later its another horror story.

I am ready to run away...... but its my house.

I am calling all her friends to come visit which seems to make her happy. One is flying in tonight from Sacramento to rescue her from being assessed for dementia or being placed. Of course he hasn't seen her in God knows how many years and knows nothing about dementia.

Wish me luck at the docs and with the "friend."

Sharon