Sis decided I needed to go to a dance with them tonight. I went, music was great so I got up and danced. Thank God dancing alone is now acceptable.

Many of the Mardi Gras associations have dances 3-4 times a year as fund raisers.

Well, ankle started giving me grief long before the dance was over. I now have that ugly as krap black boot on tonight.

Sis was telling me I needed to move back in my bedroom! I'm thinking, I DON'T THINK SO YET. I ain't backing down either. I'd given Mom the master bedroom when she came to live with me. I think she has a whole 93 years of stuff, still on the walls in there now.

I told her I might be ready for my closet and bath. But not the bedroom yet.

If she keeps pushing, I will ask her who pays the frigging mortgage on this home!

I know Bert was also telling me he'd bring help when he picks up that lazy boy recliner he bought her 5 days before she went in the hospital. I think "they" also want me to move back in Mom's bedroom.

I'll ask him the same frigging thing I ask Linda, bout who pays the mortage.

I will NOT be pushed. You ever try to push an elephant? Well right now, and that room would be like pushing an elephant.

I ain't budging till I know I'm ready. If anyone doesn't like it they can kiss my a$$.

quote:

I know I need to get a life, but not sure what direction its in. Not many ways to get a life that I can see for me as I can't drink with my meds. Seems everyone I know drinks. I'm not fond of being around folks falling down drunk, and slurring their speech. Although I still love to dance, when the ankle will let me now.

Stay off the ankle, willya? Or boogie in your chair! The LAST thing you need is to mess it up dancin'!!

Perhaps a lot of people DO drink, but that doesn't mean you have to! There are lotsa folks who don't - you generally won't find them around folks who drink to excess. Drunks are a crashing bore.

You WILL get a life, but it just isn't time yet and nothing happenes overnight... Things will begin to flow better as time passes. Try not to fret about it. When you are ready, things will start falling into place bit by bit.

I suppose I have survived the 2ond week, and starting on week 3 here. But who's counting?

I started keeping the radio on more to get the eerie quiet out of the house.

My 22 year old niece had a surprise going away party last night. Sis drug me there again, on a Sat night. Music was rap. I'm getting old, cause new music sux. Suddenly the DJ played "Boots" by Nancy Sinatra. I'm like WTF...acted like I'd never heard it! They played just enough good stuff to make me dance a time or 2, and get my ankle hurting again.

I suppose it was better than sitting home alone on a Sat night. Quite interesting how the "host" made a full drawer of "veggie's keepers in the frig" of nothing but Jello shooters for these kids. Host was almost my age. I was the only sober person there! Glad sis let me drive her home. I worried about all these kids drinking and driving. I know I never could have hosted a party like that, as you'd have to check your keys in with me when you got there! And I'd drove every one of them home when they needed to go! Probably wouldn't be a very fun party with me host. Certainly not the kind of party I'd wanted to go to when I was that age.

Dang, I'm getting old. I now have common sense.

Niece is doing a 6 month internship in Disney World for college credits. Gawd, its bad when they have to take jobs in resorts to get college credits! I'm sure she'll get an A for the first time, lol.

I'm off the hook for next Sat night, as her mother is taking her down there, and I know with this ankle I AIN'T going to Disney World!

By 10pm next Sat night, I'll wish I was at a party for 22 year olds listening to krap like rap.

I know I need to get a life, but not sure what direction its in. Not many ways to get a life that I can see for me as I can't drink with my meds. Seems everyone I know drinks. I'm not fond of being around folks falling down drunk, and slurring their speech. Although I still love to dance, when the ankle will let me now.

Floors needed cleaning really bad. I did the whole house. Had a hard time in Mom's room. All I seemed to see was Mom laying on the floor that night she fell. Like a flashback or something. I started crying so hard, I barely got the floor vaccuumed, and still need to mop the other 1/2 of it.

Had to stop. I need some Moose Tracks Extreme to finish. Got the rest of the house done though. Even cleaned the carpet in the one bedroom I have carpet left in. OMG...I didn't realize it was that nasty. So glad I have ceramic, and wood in the rest of the house. So easy to clean.

Why is it so hard to clean the floor in Mom's room. Tears just came, and that was it. I miss her so much tonight.

Its sure great to have "my own" glasses back. I need to slap that seat belt for stealing them!

Raining, storming, flooding here right now. its been doing this for the last few days. I know my grass will be up in no time flat, and needs cutting. Glad DTV has a local weather channel. That way I don't have to watch a soap opera and try to read the weather on the bottom of the screen.

Been playing the radio lately to get rid of the errie quiet around here. I really don't feel like doing anything today, so I won't do anything except play on the interent, and connect with my buddies for support. That is if the lightening will quit long enough for me to stay connected.

Gypsy, I found them. I got in the car to go pick up a prescription. When I put my seat belt on, they hit me in the chest! I suppose when I hung them on my shirt last night, and took the seat belt off, it stole my glasses.

Wierd. I've never lost them for this long! At least I have I think 3 pairs of reading glasses for times like this!

And I doubt I'll never call biological father "Dad". He's never been a dad to me. Now he's 85, and trying since he lost his wife. Dad is someone who raised you and was there for you. This man was far from that all my life, till this last month. I'm giving him a chance, but don't think I'll ever call him dad.

I survived another day. Wrote out a few more thank-you notes, got them in the mail. Went through a milk crate of cards/letters/junk mail today. Mom chunked all her mail in there I think. Old bank statements (2004), and stuff that needed shreading like stuff from medicare that has ss#'s on them. Must have took at least 100 pictures from cards and letters. Now, what to do with all those pics. Lost here. I even found a birthday card I gave my Dad in it. He's been deceased since 1988. I had little piles of stuff all over the kitchen table.

Brenda sounds like you had an interesting day. Are you sure you didn't take your glasses off at your Dad's? I seldom put mine down except in the bathroom. I hate it if I misplace them. I feel naked without them. When I didn't need them all the time I was for ever looking for them.

Yesterday was kinda lost for me.

Othro doc cut me loose After waiting almost 2 hours to see him. I got out at 5 till 5, went next door for my INR blood work, and nobody was waiting. I got right back. Now I know what time of the day to go, right at 5pm. Last trip, I waited 45 minutes, as the place was packed.

After that, went to see my bilogical father (he's 85). He's been calling me every night since Mom passed. Started calling every night when she was in the hospital. Now his wife has gone last sept, he can and wants to have a relationship with us girls. She stood inbetween for 48 years. She was even jealous of her own children.

Mom was actually his uncles wife. She raised the 3 of us kids after the divorce from him and my bilogical mother. Mom and Pappy legally adopted me when I was 25. But Mom was my only Mom, and Pappy was really my only dad. Bilogical father was in CA most of my childhood.

But she WAS my Mom. My one and only Mom. God only knows where I'd be now if it hadn't been for her. Mom has been my rock all my life.

I lost my only pair of trifocal glasses last night. Last place I remember having them was on the way home from bilogical fathers house. I can't see to drive in them, and took them off when lights started hitting me (it was past dark when I got home). I've searched the car, yard where I parked, and the house. STill no glasses. I have a pair of readers I got from the flea market I been using. They are bifocal on bottom, and clear on top.

Sure thought I'd find my glasses by now. They've never been lost this long. I put them on my shirt when I took them off on the way home.

Bilogical father is really reaching out to me like he's never done in my entire life. Right now, just going with the flow. I just hope he ain't looking for someone to care for him later. Dunno if I can do this 2 times. I gave it my all with Mom. He's very active for 85. He's rooted 75 creipt myrtle, and has a green house, cuts his own yard. Maybe God wants me to lean on him now that his wife has passed. Dunno, but I'm not going to push him out of my life. Just going with the flow. He's been back in Mobile since 1991, and it took his wife passing for him to be able to pick up the phone and call me. Wierd to me indeed.

We are all blessed by the company we keep.
Bnot, the newcomers to this board will also be blessed by the compassion and understanding that you also are so willing to share with us.
(Not to mention laughs, and a drink once in a while!)
Rest. Listen to the silence. Peace will find you when you're ready to be found. Let the moving around wait. When it's supposed to happen, it will, and you'll be all the happier for waiting until it 'just seems right to do it now.'

Been a busy morning for me. A girl from another type of board I have used for years, is taking care of an elderly partent. They have been falling. They actually have a caregiving/recieving section on that board (shock as that board has nothing to do with elderly parent caregiving).

I sent her Mom's baby monitor and gaite belt this morning. She needs them despiritely, and I know Mom wouldn't want them to sit in her room, collecting dust, if someone else needed them so bad.

Meantime, trying to get her to come to our board for this. As I KNOW she can get better info AND support here. Not much I can do for her, as she doesn't live anywhere near here.

I'd drink with every one of ya'll. But I can only have 1 drink altogether with my meds. 2 and I'm plastered. We could all get plastered together. Can ya see that now, us drinking and all crying a river? Maybe we don't need to go there.

Today wasn't bad. Only time I cried, was when I unpacked her bags from the hospital. I still have that 3pm alarm though. Got to get that one figured out, with some advice I got.

I got big sis over here, and gave her a bookoodle of pics Mom had of her children. I have copies of most of them anyway. We saw some pics Mom never showed us, of her short shorts, and top that showed her bellie! I'm like "busted". And she used to get upset when I dressed like that as a teen?

I know niece is coming later next month. I wanted my full sister to have first pic of some of the pics. We have a pile she also wants copies of that I'm not willing to part with.

Done pretty good today. Kept going into the wrong bathroom looking for my stuff now. I'll take a while to get used to having my old bath (Mom's bath) back.

I know a lot of things, I'm not about to push myself to do with her room yet. And family don't want to attempt to push me. I know big sis understands. She's cool with whenever I do it. She asked tonight if I was sure I was ready to go through pics. I knew if I wasn't, she'd be ok with it. Now baby sis, and Bert are a different story. But they really don't want to push me...I'll stock up on cherry lolly pops

Really have a feeling that since I've done the bathroom, nobody will try to push me. I really think they will let me continue at my pace.

There is a crate of cards and letters I need to go through. Mom never though any away (so that's where I got it from). I went through her "important papers" Lots of that was cards and letters too. Gawd, old papers from insurance co when she owned a home, and mortgage co (careful, shread those, as they have ss#'s on them). All that, looking for an insurance policy from 1932 that wasn't in there. But at least I got stuff out of there, that really didn't need to be there, and maybe I can find what I need to find now.

Busy day, but it hasn't been a bad day. Can't say it was real productive (didn't find one thing I was looking for), but my mind did stay occupied, and for me, that does help a LOT.

quote:

You sure said alot here. I never thought to explain it

Honey I know you and the long time members here know you I doubt any one of them questioned why they didnt see something from our beloved Gypsy as readily as lets say a call out for help from one of our CG members.
I think those of us who have endured a loss of a LO understand our hesitation of posting our condolences, at least I would hope so and if not they do now

Now....Did somebunny say sumfin bout cryin an drinkin Lordy child whatchoo want a dang river runnin thru here?! LOL
J/K MB Ill drink witcha anyday of the week an twice on Sunday!
(((HUGS)))

One moment, I am wanting to do things I postponed while caregiving; the next, I don't feel comfortable going out and about. One day at a time. Ya can't rush it and it'll only blow up in your face if ya try.

The first couple of weeks after Mom died, I had flashbacks of her death around the time she died. So to fix that, I made sure I was engaged with something around that time and the appointed hour slipped by without notice. You learn little tricks to help keep yourself from getting caught short.

Post away - I'm mighty picky with whom I drink and even pickier with whom I cry. Y'all are good company for either or BOTH!! And that's because everyone here DOES put their heart & soul into what they are doing.

Brenda sounds like you are doing very well under the circumstances.
BG you said *sure it gets a little easier but did you ever notice sometimes I dont reply to a post or I wait for a while before I post to a loved one that has passed?*
You sure said alot here. I never thought to explain it but I know it takes me longer now to reply to a passing of a LO than it used to. Think I am getting better with the tears but they still come. Too hot to cook here. Don't know what is going on but we have HOT not our usual cool. Take care of yourself and those puppies.

quote:

I look at the clock at almost 3pm, and would just love to hear her say just one more time "its time for my 3pm meds". I'll adjust. I'll get through. If I say this enough, I'll make it happen, right?

Look hun not for nothin but you an I as well as others that are still here that have lost LO's know those are just pretty words, sure it gets a little easier but did you ever notice sometimes I dont reply to a post or I wait for a while before I post to a loved one that has passed?
Well thats because sometimes still (mom died in 2003) it hits me like a ton of bricks and I cry like a baby reading the latest loss.
The loss never goes away the hurt only lessens as time goes by and we will adjust as best we can, there will be some bad days for each one of us no matter what our relationships were with them good bad or indifferent.
Each day take that lil chicken step forward thank mom for being there for you when you needed her.
Oh yeah an turn the radio an tv on when the quiet gets deafening it does help a little.
And uh pizza... hell yeah thats cookin sabmesome!

Thanks ya'll. Seems you all have always put your entire heart in a post. This hasn't just happened since Mom passed, its always been like this.

Today, I ran errands for the first time alone, since Mom passed. Seemed really strange, not to have to be back at a certain time.

But I caught myself looking at more Large print Word find books for her birthday. I finally stopped myself, as I have enough of those.

I have a whole shelf of Large print crossword puzzle books I don't know what to do with now. Any of your folks need or enjoy them? I will be glad to send them.

I'm going to send the baby monitor I used on her to a girl from another type of forum that takes care of one of her parents. She sounded very pleased and said she needed one. It certainly served me well. I know someone here recommended me getting it, and I appreciate it so MUCH. I really got my money's worth out of it. And it was exactly what I needed, when I needed it.

I'd really rather mail this stuff to folks I know from forums, than just dump it off at a nursing home. Seems with taking care of Mom, and having bipolar too, I use forums for support, and seem to have more friends on forums, than it seems I have in real life. But to me, my forums and friends are real life. Met 9 folks from the bipolar forum since 2001. And meeting them was like running into a dear old friend.

Realized today, I haven't cooked since Mom passed. So I cooked a pizza tonight That counts, right? And instead of waiting till 5pm to eat, I ate at 4. I know now, I don't have the same routine I had when she was here. Haven't ran the dishwasher in a week, but haven't ran out of coffee cups yet. I used to run it every other day, as I cooked for her every day.

This house sure gets lonely and quiet. Now just me and 2 dogs. But still, seems most days, I look at the clock at almost 3pm, and would just love to hear her say just one more time "its time for my 3pm meds". I'll adjust. I'll get through. If I say this enough, I'll make it happen, right?

quote:

I am in tears now.

I am right there with you babygirl
Sweetheart give yourself a break you can not hold the past against yourself you were frustrated and could not control what was happening.
Look hun I have had patients I adored but there are days when they would get under my skin something fierce.
I take a deep breath when I get home chide myself for being impatient and let it go.
Mom knew dam well you loved her and she knew dam well everyone has a bad day.
She wouldnt want you beating yourself up.
So on the count of 3 wipe away those tears hand me a dam napkin and lets all take a deep breath together and just say
I forgive myself.....
love and hugs to you sweetheart

quote:

Looking back on the anger wall last night, I must have needed to cry anyway. Its something I rarely do

Awwww... it's hard to cry when we've all already cried an ocean of tears along the way... At first, I felt kinda numb, although I did my share of crying. As time goes on, not as much. I'll get "caught" at odd times by a fresh reminder of her that bites at my tearducts... It simply takes time... Be good to yourself! This is a rough time! We didn't forge the relationships with our moms overnight and we're not gonna be able to release 'em from our moment-to-moment, hour-to-hour thoughts overnight either. {{{HUGS}}}

I'm better this morning. I just know not to go back to the anger wall, and read anymore of my posts.

I got the Daily Word in my email. That little book has been my saving grace since the 90's. After our book disappeared when Mom stayed at that one place for 24 hours, they taught me how to get it online, and sent me a new book. I like getting it online.

One line said (if I'm allowed to quote) "Even if I may be going through a challenging experience, I am grateful, for I know that good will come from it. Will I learn of inner stregnth I didn't know I had? Will I gain a renewed appreciatiton for my life and the people in it?" Then it goes on to say "I am greatful for my present circumstances (I'm thinking wt? as I keep reading)for I know they offer opportunities for growth.

It really hit home reading that this morning. I think I've really grown a lot though care giving with Mom. I know its been an 18 months I will cherish looking back for the rest of my life. Some days were trying on me, but with the help of you all, somehow, I got through it.

Looking back on the anger wall last night, I must have needed to cry anyway. Its something I rarely do (think my bipolar meds have a lot to do with that). I know crying is normal. I know missing her is normal too. I know she is with the rest of her family, and my brother and dad. I know that, cause Pam said she kept saying Robert, the night before she passed. Robert was my little brother who we lost when he was 18 to a motorcycle accident. Threw us all for a loop for many years.

I know some days, its going to be rough, some days are easier. I thank God for you all, as I know this is the one place I can put feelings into words, and let it out.

I know when I was lost on caregiving, and taking care of her, you all were here for me. I don't know a soul who took care of their own parents, and had the experience the bunch of you have together.

I think together, we all here have hundred of years of experience.

I hope one day I can go back into the other forums, and give support to those in need of it. Just right now, its kinda hard.

Brenda, it takes time for all of this to settle. I got onto throwing away stuff right after Mom died, then I hit things I could not do... so they wait. As the months have gone by, I'm getting there. I moved into my Mom's old room - it needed to look "different" and mostly now it does. There are still medical supplies I wasn't able to discard on the first sort, personal effects that have no value but I cannot yet throw away, etc. It'll happen.

Getting out and about is important, but I try to be careful not to push myself too hard. Being a shut-in for so many years left me feeling like life was passing me by, but right after Mom died, I felt too much like a stranger in a strange land to rush into the list of things I wanted to do but couldn't. Day by day, week by week, I grow stronger and more settled in my current life. I'm not taking the world by storm yet, but slowly things are shaping up into the kind of life and future I want for myself.

Sometimes, I feel sad for every time I was impatient or not on top of every little thing for Mom. There will ALWAYS be a list like that for each of us. It's important to look at what we did RIGHT so much of the time. None of us is perfect... The anger during is part of the entire experience. Looking back right after our LO has died, we have regrets. However, looking back with some time between balances the picture. Not many people undertake the kind of responsibility we home caregivers take on. Some people cannot handle it. We did, but some moments were not pretty, nor are they supposed to be. There will ALWAYS be things I wish I'd have done better... but I'll stand on what I DID do well. What I did right far outweighs the things I did badly.

I miss Mom's smile. No matter what, she always had a smile for me when I entered her room, whether I was wearing one or not. I try to remember how valuable that one human act is to others - smiling. Sometimes it's all a person has to give to another - and what a wonderful gift it is!