I had my self pitty party today. I did go to a co-workers Holiday Party and made it for 2 hours yesterday. My old neighbor called and asked if I could give him a ride to the mall so there was my excuse though I told them that the landlady was coming by to pick up some of her stuff. I wasn't proud of the lie but knew if they knew I was just taking the kid to the mall, near her house no less I'd be expected back. As it was they did tell me to come back but I didn't. The house was filled and they did everything they could to make me feel comfortable but I couldn't. I was never like that before but they had their husbands and kids there and I was alone. (My son was working but wouldn't go anyway). I have another house party next week at my girlfriends and will force myself to go for a little bit there too. It's a start. I no longer have my mom's caregiving to hide behind. My son had a bad day at work yesterday..yep retail and X-Mas season and came home in a bad mood. I let him sleep and he slept till 4:30. I went out and shoveled, chipped the ice from the sidewalk and walkway and stairs. He just had to do where the plows were and the little in front of the car. He also was mad that I did that much but grateful at the same time. He's just afraid I'm going to get hurt. Cat goes for shots tomorrow at 10 then we're off to the eye dr. for me. I need new contacts and a new perscription. He doesn't work and I'm off for 2 weeks from the little ones and don't have to do aftercare till 2:30 and if my eyes are bad he can drive me and pick me up. I spent most of the day on the couch, no tv. just me and my toughts. It still hurts rally bad when I let it come out. Seeing the old house decorated yesterday picking up the kid to go to the mall got to me. I do wish them well but it just doesn't seem right for other people to be in my home of 46 years. One day at a time and time to move on. Just needed to vent.

Hi everyone,
it has been quite awhile since I have been here. My loved one passed May 20,2007 8 months ago but it still feels like yesterday. This website will never know how much you helped me through his illness that started in 2003.

I couldn't handle the holidays so I took off by myself driving. Went over 2,000 miles from Southern California to 70 miles south of Oregon staying and visiting with my family. snow, rain even a levee broke near South Lake Tahoe.
When I got back a couple of weeks ago I found that our 38 year old son had used some of my credit cards. It is not alot but I feel violated. I had to cancel cards and get new cards. I tried so hard when his Dad died.
The house was just a blueprint when my husband bought it in 1950. I have been in this house since 1962 at times we did separate because it couldn't hold his, mine and our children. Just too small. But He was always there for me. I lived around the corner in a bigger house. Anyway we finally remarried and I moved back in when all the kids except our one son was left at home.
I am signing the papers for a reverse mortgage tomorrow I will pay off all credit cards and destroy all of them. I am going to buy a locked mail box and a safe for my papers.
What bothers me the most is that his Dad always wanted to give the house to our son free and clear, but it is not fair. He has other children and so do I.Our son will be off parole next month and he and his girlfriend live here but they don't pay any rent or utilities. once in awhile they buy food if I eat out and refuse to buy it. I told him as soon as he is off parole I want them to move out. I know I will have to get an eviction notice.He has never earned the right to have the house. I talked to all of the family and they said they would rather me be comfortable then paying on bills. I changed our trust to include my step-daughter who is having a hard time and our son and my eldest son who only knew my husband as a father from 5 years old. I said to sell the house after I die and pay off all bills and divide what is left equally.
The rest said they don't need anything.

But I feel like I am letting my husband down by getting the mortgage.

I can't afford the $800 a month equity loan we had and. Now with not being able to trust our son I feel pretty bad. My husband always refused to see the faults in our son until the times he was lucid toward the end of his life. Then he saw that our son has serious issues that neither one of us can solve.
I still feel guilty and miss him so dam* much.
in the car I played my country cd's and took his Dean Martin out of the car. Going to restaurants alone was hard. I kind of got used to taking a paperback book.
I remember the night he died and he had been lucid all day. he knew and wanted to go. He passed at home in our son's arms. I know my son loves/hates me because he always think I have so much money I won't miss it. But that is not true. Having credit cards does not say a person is rich. He is not doing drugs but I know he wrote a bunch of bad checks and has to go to class or to jail. He will go to class but I feel so lonely without my husband to talk to.

This is a long one but I needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for being there.

Thanks. I go back to work tomorrow and next on the agenda is Daytona 500 in Feb. We were also suppose to go to New Orleans but that fizzled out and we'll spend extra day in Orlando and come back a day early. (Not telling anyone we'll be back a day early though). I looked at the outdoor decorations, the metal deers and tree and they are kind of rusted. They never seemed at home here so knowing we're moving probably after the summer I decided it was time for them to go. I'll still have the inflatable Snoopy/Woodstock snow globe that doesn't blow snow but looks good. I survived and it's time to get back on track. Happy New Year to all!

Mar, I am sorry for missing this post. I blame it on the confusion. By now, I know you survived, but Still, I could have used a hug right about then myself, and I am so sorry you felt alone. How is Boo?

Last year, I saw some strangers (to me, anyway) out in front of my Mother's home, taking pictures. When I asked if I could help them with anything, they told me that they used to live there and were passing through. They had done so once while Dad was alive and able and he let them troop around the property and through the house. (That was 10 years ago). My family has lived there for 51 years).

When Mom doesn't live there anymore and it gets sold, I have no clue how I'll feel. The pets we had there, the events, the life. In the hands of others!! Will I be able to let go? Later I'll concentrate on the plumbing, heating, AC, All needing attention, and I'll realize, that if we can jut hold it together while Mom wants to be there, we will be blessed.

Love you Mar, that must have been so hard to see how someone else decorated that house.