I'm new, found this site today and just registered. I've read the welcome notes and a few others geared for newbies, but do not have a feel for this community's overall attitude towards our elders. Therefore, I am asking if people here could please tell me, and other newbies, what is your overall attitude towards our elders?


I understand caring for elders can be trying. I understand the desire to vent one's frustrations. I have no problem with that.

What I do have a problem with, that I have seen repeatedly at another elder care message board which I've visited since this summer but find appalling, is an overall antagonistic attitude towards our elders, even to the point of failing to fall on the side of caution and instead replying with suggestions to stalk the elder when a poster has lost that elder in their care due to the elder's charge of abuse; repeated sympathising with another poster who complained she was charged with abuse for throwing water into her elderly mother's face three times; encouraging another poster - whose elderly mother asked her for help with regard to doctor's visits as the elder feels she does not understand what is going on in those visits - and the poster doesn't want to help so goes to that message board for sympathy, and gets told to RUN (all caps) and change her name so her mother can't find her, to tell her elderly mother to fend for herself, to not bother with doctors - one responder stopped getting her mother's medicines and taking her to doctors as it was too much bother, etc etc. The responders are regulars on that board and much applauded for their attitudes.


I find it appalling and utterly unhelpful. I emailed that board's administrator. My message was bounced back with "Unfortunately, your mail was not delivered to the following address: <administrator@xxxx.com>:
250.xxx.xx.x does not like recipient.
Remote host said: 550 5.2.1 <administrator@xxxx.com>... Mailbox disabled for this recipient
Giving up on 250.xxx.xx.x"

That board's attitude towards our elders prevails. To my shock.


Therefore, I ask of this community here at Elder care Online, what is your overall attitude towards our elders? As a newbie I wish to know this, as I'm sure other newbies wish to know, before participating further in this community, or not. For my attitude towards our elders is one of - Yes, it can be extremely frustrating at times, and yes, I can imagine a lot of other things I'd love to be doing with my time, but on the other hand, it takes a village indeed, and if we live long enough we will all be old, frail and in need one day: so no, it is not okay to use a message board as a tool of enablement for neglect or abuse of our elders.

I seek others who share my overall attitude. Is this Elder care Online that place?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: ec kostrubala,

I read your message and I was wondering if I dind't wrote it myself. When you are in a middle of a smelly crisis your whole life comes to your mind but not in a happy mood.

The why me was an everyday question..., but I changed it for a let me help you. Remember that your loved one is suffering more than you.

Welcome, pamtime. I am going to move your post to the New Caregivers Meeting Room. Not because you are a new CG, but because it is so easy for someone new to ECO to be lost in another's thread. So glad to have you and your experience on board.

Yes it is very different when it is your own LO, I think.

I am new to this list but not new to care giving. I worked in a professional medical setting for years before becoming my mothers care giver. Now the arena of medical care I provided did not send me to a geriatric poplulation, let alone one with dementia's.

I have found in the past 2 years of providing care that I have done and said things that in my former life would have hung my head in total shame.

The dynamics of care for a stranger and for a relative and someone you LOVE are totally different. You see, we all have childhood baggage of some kind that can be added to the stress of care giving. Issues I thought dealt with years ago have come a knocking on my door and are having to be dealth with again but on a different level.

I was told how stressful this would be and frankly my rose colored glasses were well fitted the day I said yes without a moment's hesitation. My rose colored glasses are now tilted sideways and barely hanging off my nose...need I say more.

There is nothing that can prepare you for watching the actual decomposition of someone you love and cherish. My best friend is disappearing before my eyes. I was not prepared for the anger she would have at me. In her words, "because you will still love me anyway". WOW I am her safety net and her target.

I was not prepared for brothers that say, "your'e the one with a medical background, you will do it well" and then perform the monthly telephone critique of how I could do it better. After all mom called them and told them all sorts of horrible stories. Why would I lock her out of the kitchen, this former cook, but just in an act of "control freaking". Nevermind the fact that the stove was turned on high, the meal in the oven was shut off, thawing meat for a meal meant putting a package of frozen mean in store wrapping in the oven at 325 to thaw it, styrafoam and all...but I am being mean and controlling.

Was there anything to prepare me for incontinence, spending 5-6 hours daily washing ALL THE BEDDING - this is with depends and an extra pad on..... never mind the bowel incontinence that is found on the clothing, bathroom walls and floors, and the need to convince her she really does need a shower ... hey it is life and life is hard sometimes.

In my previous field that was something called GALLOWS HUMOR, and while disgusting to the outside world it does become a coping skill to try to find some sanity in an insane situation.

Maybe in some ways you will find that here or on any other list. Abusive behaviors sometimes are not conscious acts of abuse. Remember we all developed a tool box of skills growing up and many of those tools we never knew if they were the right ones for the job until we tried to used them... then someone said "OH, no, here use this tool it will do the job much better, and on second thought, you may want to throw that other tool away it just isn't useful any more.

What is our jobs as co groopees? Help each other fill their tool box with tools that fit the job better. What may be considered normal in one house hold may be considered evil in another...just depends on your tool box and how you were raised.

Support and suggestions, we can all offer. Advice like anything else, take the parts that are useful for you and disgard the rest. On a good day you will learn something new that will benefit you and on a bad day you will learn something else, where to draw the line for you and still respect we are all walking a walk that in on a brand new road and it is filled with bumps, things to trip on , detours to dead ends, and doorways to great things. It is all a matter of perspective.

Just my thought, Pamtime

On reading again the backward post order (backward to me, I hope to get used to it - first post at bottom of page, most recent post on top), I see Mom's buddy asked me to tell about myself and whom I care for.

I placed that on my profile in the section on whom I care for. Myself - I'm widowed, no kids, four dogs, one cat (5 furry siblings is how I think of them). I'm the sole care giver.

I firmly believe in the importance of the right doctors, and in the right medicines in the right doseages taken at the right times. That makes a world of difference for my mother. And in doing whatever one has to do to prevent someone who is dangerous behind a wheel of a car from driving (if they won't listen to reason and stop driving of their own accord.) And in living wills, power of attorney and health care proxy/attorney, and in having frank discussions with one's loved one. I see some here are caring for their husbands or wives instead of a parent - my late husband sustained a severe frontal lobe injury that changed his personality, thinking, impulse control and gave him a terrible seizure disorder in which he only had status epilepticus seizures when he had them, requiring medicial intervention to stop those seizures. I know the horrors of seeing one's beloved husband changed into a man one would not have dated (due to the personality changes and impulse control issue), and my heart goes out to you spouses too.

Back today, and glad to see who responded and what each person said. This gives me a feel for this board and for each one of you who responded.

Mom's Buddy, what I observed as a pattern from regulars at another board gave me grave concern about online message boards for elder care in general. I wondered if that is how it is at online support sites for elders, an antagonistic attitude and thus people who are faceless and often nameless use that venue, rather than an in person support group where it is more difficult to display such attitudes and opinions. My time is limited. A board's expressed purpose can differ from the the actual purpose simply by the regular's attitudes and advice. I am heartened to see from the senior members who responded here that, as Mom's buddy apply put it, "Those of us who have been around ECO for some years have always tried to look out for elderly people first ... We first support our elders and loved ones and right behind that, we support caregivers." As well as Bunny's girl, "Abuse is not tolerated here nor is it condoned please be assured you will not find that caliber of people here."


I'm glad you all are good people. If I can get used to the most recent post being first under the original, I'll be able to participate in these discussions better!

My 2 cents worth here --- this place is a WONDERFUL place with kind, caring folks. It's an opportunity to share what works for you, what doesn't, and to get various points of view. I don't often post but admit to reading all posts as often as I have the time. So, welcome!!

EC, your is a truly curious message...

This is a site about elders, to offer a respite to us who cares for elders, answers our questions, guide us when in doubt about difficult decisions, and with that in mind, make the sick elder life better and happier.

This is a site based on caregiving of elders with Alzheimers Disease. There are some, but you can't find a young person with Alzheimer easily and young in those cases are most probably more than 35 years old.

So... instead of ask what is the overall attitude of this site about elders, just read and get your own conclusions.

An afterthought...

*chuckle* Most folks who leave and complain about ECO elsewhere do so because they claim they were "jumped on" - does that tell you anything about the folks here? While we truly DO understand the frustrations of caregiving, our vested interest ALWAYS lies with the person in need of care. If we think something is inappropriate, we do not make excuses about it nor do we make apologies for taking the stands that we do.

Now that we've told you a LOT about OUR attitudes, how's about you tell us something about yourself and for whom you care?

Welcome, ECK. Please take some time and read the boards here at ECO. You will find that, while we appreciate the feelings and frustrations of caregivers, our concern is for our elders. We ALL have hair-tearing feelings, but that is never an excuse for abuse. Many people are caring for elders who have no business doing so. They do not understand them, don't understand the problems with which they are afflicted, etc.

I am sorry you had a bad experience elsewhere. I have read things that curled my hair from time to time... it's a big, scary world out there. Some forums are tilted to the point of view of caregivers and allow much latitude in that direction and discuss little of value to CARING for elderly people; others are simply cliques and social clubs for people who have little to do with their time. Those of us who have been around ECO for some years have always tried to look out for elderly people first - the title says it all ELDERCARE ONLINE. We first support our elders and loved ones and right behind that, we support caregivers.

The mission statement of this site can be found clearly stated. I have quoted it here for you:

quote:

Our Vision

Our goal is to provide information, education and support to families caring for aging loved ones, especially those coping with Alzheimer's Disease and related dementias. We believe that whether you are caring for a spouse, parent, relative or neighbor, you can learn and grow from the caregiving journey. To that end, we provide knowledge, tools and community to help caregivers improve the quality of life for both themselves and their aging loved ones.

While I can understand your "freakout" and concern, my best advice to you is to read here and involve yourself. What goes on at other forums, stays at other forums and has no place here.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Moms_Buddy,

Welcome EC. No,you won't see anyone here condoning throwing water, food, or anything else for that matter in our loved ones faces.

We do get tired, anxious, and at times some of us will be found in the anger room blowing off steam, its a good thing to do.

A lot of love and support for all of us here!

If you read posts from way back you will see no one has ever considered any form of abuse of their loved one.I have been a member for over 6 years.I would never be apart of any forum that would accept this type of abuse,
We may have bad days and express our feelings but that is not against the afflicted.It is our way of blowing off steam and not having these feelings pen up inside.
Everyone here has been a devoted caregiver.
I came here and was saved from my self.I got ackinowledged when needed, given information that was so valuable.
If I knew of anyone treating aperson as you have describedI would have reported them.Not everyone is able to do certain areas of caregiving.Not unusual.But they all give 100%

That just about tied me EC ANYONE abusing their LO like you have mentioned WILL NOT be welcome here that is utterly appalling to hear about the water being thrown in the face of their LO.
My cousin had an experience with a CG in her home who threw a towel on the floor to make my Great Aunt (98 years old at the time) stoop over to pick it up herself suffice it to say the cherished members here took time out from their lives to respond to me for the benefit of my cousin to tell her that was abuse on the grandest scale.
Abuse is not tolerated here nor is it condoned please be assured you will not find that caliber of people here.
We may have disagreements at times but the cherished membership here all have a common goal giving the best care to their LO's with what they have at the moment and to help and give honest advice to care givers in need of guidance.
Oh yeah and a lil butt kickin when guilt rears its ugly head too
Welcome aboard

ec, this is a wonderful place to get answers to problems and also a shoulder to lean on...
There is a lot of compassion here. The people here do care immensely about their loved ones or people they are taking care of...
You have found the right place. Welcome.

Hello ec, I think you will find quite a different attitude here. Most of us only surrender the care of our loved one if the situation is truely impossible in the home. Please read and get to know some of our members.

I can't quarentee smooth sailing here, but true caregivers are welcome to share, vent, learn and teach. We are all under a great deal of stress, so we do try to be gentle with each other.

If you have any questions, about moving around on this site, we will try to help.

Welcome, ec

It is an unfortunate truth that the world includes both good and evil.

In my experience, we call them LO "Loved Ones" here on ECO for a reason.
Take the high road, my friend: Accept the good, and ignore the evil!

You can feel welcome here.

Thank you Lisa. It's good to hear that from someone here who is a senior member.

Welcome ec!!

I am appalled at the "attitude" you encountered on the other site. I hope you will find (as I did) that the "members" in this community want only the best for the people that are in their care.

Hope you stick around.