I spend all my time and energy into caregiving just like everyone here. I would like to take better care of myself, and with less stress and worry on me, my husband (who I care for 24/7 that has EOAD and DLB)will also benefit.

One of the things I want to do to take care of myself and my husband is feel safe. I need to protect myself from false accusations of abuse from my husband's family. This is due to the fact that:
* my husband himself during episodes of paranoia in the past has directed accusations at me, and his family always believed him, no mater what I (or an Alzh. counselor) told them. He is no longer directing his accusations at me.
* my husband's family has accused me of abuse before. And this led to
(1) their taking control of his finances (through abduction and getting him to sign over his property, etc). This is being taken care of, but I have had to go through 8 mo of terrible stress and my husband is paying a high price to resolve the matter.
(2) their is a complete breakdown in the relationship with them because they do not want anything to do with me. My husband still is called by a daugher (who was not involved in the financial exploitation). She has also accused me of things I didn't do and contributes toward the gossip.

Fromerly my husband had frequent contact with relatives in our area (he was calling and visiting them). If they didn't hear from him then his brother's wife called me and asked me about him, my husband and I were never were directly contacted by his brother or the daugher that was involved (in abduction and creating legal documents for him to sign).

He is now wanting to make peace with his brothers and daughter who made these financial decisions for his "protection." He has never been able to follow through with this. He has never been able to confront his brothers and daughter to tell them the truth about how he really feels about their actions although he says he wants to. His daughter continues to justify (through her attorney) that she was doing what my husband wanted.

My questions:
* Do I have a responsibility to help my husband make contact with his family since he is unable to follow through with this himself?
* I do not feel it is safe to have him visit alone with his brother in their home like before (the daughters will not come since they live too far away). How can we arrange for a visit in our home and still not subject myself to their accusations?
* What can I do to protect myself from being falsely accused of abuse in the future? (can you imagine what are the consequences of being accused of elder abuse or neglect)

My sister-in-law (on behalf of her husband) has continually called people we know at church and a couple of neighbors(who are their friends not ours, people who see us from a distance) and my husband's daughter we have contact with, to get information. Even though I done nothing except loving care for my husband, I don't have peace because I feel like their informants are watching us, even in our own home (which is really owned by the brother).

Am I being paranoid or just still reacting to their interference from before? When I reported my husband's abduction, his family told the people who were investigating it that the reason they took him was because I was "stealing" and "hitting" and mistreating him. They were successful at distracting the authorities from investigating the abduction and they never even investigated my husband's being financially exploited by his daughter. They ended up investigating ME instead during the abduction. Of course nothing came of it, and the family has never had any consequences for their own actions of financial abuse.

I have recently decided that I just want to get on with my life, put this all behind me, and I would like them to leave me alone since they do not support me in my caregiving. The attorney that is representing my husband's financial interests (getting the documents he signed revoked) cannot give me personal counsel on propecting myself from interfering relatives.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Cher

Hi Cher,

I'm sending you a teddy bear to hug. That is a tough question regarding making pease with your husbands family. What is your husbands goal in having this meeting? Is it to confront them about all of the misery they caused or is it just to mend fences?

I would doccument all of the care you give him. I know it's pain but writing down all of the things you do for him on a daily basis may help you at some point in the future. The question of responsibility for getting him together with his family is something that in my opinion is an individual decision. If it were me I think I would do it. I would try to have someone else there to keep the peace. Maybe someone from the Alzheimer's Assoc.

Don't feel you have to do it if you are not up to it. I don't think you are being paranoid at all. I would not let my grard down for a minute with these people. Let us know what you decide to do.

Vicki

CHER: Here's another Teddy Bear HUG!

When we get older, we seem to reach out to family. It is a very common feeling even in those not affected by any disease. Sounds like that is what your husband is feeling.

I agree with Vicki about making yourself a Journal of sorts. Things that you did for him, what you did together, what he did or didn't do, problems and laughter too. Try to document as much as you can. You might try printing out some of your posts here to put between the pages, especially any regarding his "bad days".

I think the idea of a third party during visits is also a good idea. That's what they often have in child custody visits. And the ground rules of visiting in your home and STAYING there (no excursions for ice cream, etc.) be spelled out. You could mention the reason is because of the abduction if you wish, or just assume that they would know the reasons.

Before any visits, I would use a tape recorder to record discussions with your husband. Since he apparently has times when he is more coherent, choose those times. Lead the SIMPLE discussion into the area of his feelings for you and that he knows how much you do for him. Discussions about his family would be good too. Let his own words say why he wants to VISIT with his family and at the same time WHY he wants to stay with you. His own words in his own voice telling how much he trusts you and wants to be with you should help to be a safeguard agaist future family problems.

If I were in your place (thank God I am not), I would have all of these precautions in place BEFORE any family visits. I might even hide a mike for the recorder in the room where the visits will take place.......LOL!

I would insist that all visits be in your home ONLY. Then, with all possible precautions in place, I would be a gracious hostess to his family. How they react would indicate how/if any future visits will be conducted.

Good Luck to you............PATS

I just love this forum. The people here are always so compassionate, open-minded, and supportive, just when you need it.

Vickie, My husband has been asking a lot about his family because he wants to let go of his bad feelings and resentments for them, especially his brother because he is closeby and he had been visiting at his home regularly before he was abducted. He enjoyed helping out, they always had some project because they live on a farm. His brother has never visited here or called, and I always felt they had a one-way relationship.

However, mending fences would give him some peace of mind and I would like to see him forgive (he'll eventually forget anyway what they did). I appreciate what you said about not feeling like I have to force myself, because until the legal situation is comepletely resolved (when I have the court orders in my hands revoking the documents Ed was coerced into signing), I am not really up to it. I don't handle personal attachs and their accusations have usually left me drained. I have to be careful to protect myself from too much emotional stress too because I have had clinical depression in the past which had occured as a result of long-term emotional stress.

Documenting my care was an excellent suggestion. It would really help me feel validated and in control especially if I needed to use it in the future if I were ever accused again of abuse. When Ed had his bike accident a few weeks ago I documented everything, ER records, police report, follow-up dr visits, and kept records of meds, diet, his symptoms, everything for about 10 days. This helped me keep track of his behavior so that I (and Drs) could determine if he was recovering from the head injury (laceration) he had in the accident. Fortunately he recovered completely.

PATS, the suggestion you had expanding on this was great (recording conversations with Ed)because that will basically solve any concerns I have about his family.....The core of the problem is that they are not involved and do not hear from Ed what is really occuring. Therefore they have made assumptions based on his past paranoid comments to them and family gossip that was basically designed to justify their choices to get control of his property (they have come right out and said they believe that it should be for his daughters inheritance).

If they were to hear from Ed himself that of course would solve the problem altogether since they believed him before during paranoid episodes. PATS your solution would really work because Ed is extremely passive, submissive, and compliant around his family, yet he is at ease with me and appreciative of what I do for him. We have had many special loving conversations when we're together during times when he is more coherent. He is very open and demonstrative with his expressions of affection and trust, even though he is severely cognitively impaired.

I never thought of recording these discussions. I know he would not object to it if he were to become aware of it at some point. He wants his family to know how special our relationship is but due to communication problems with them (such as his brother not having the patience to try to get Ed to understand him, their not understanding why he does not respond appropriately, their taking the lead (not listening to him), Ed has never felt confident. Nor has he been able to hold their attention long because of their frustration with his behavior and confusion.

The idea to tape record my husband will really give me the peace of mind, because: At some point his brothers and daughter who have had no contact with us will finally know the truth from Ed, and I could use it if I ever had to answer any of their false accusions if I were ever investigated by official someone as a result of their accusations. And as I said his brother has friends that they depend on to keep them informed and the same persons (though they do not know or talk to us) were willing to back up my husband's brother in his accusations. This is even more reason to document (though tape recordings) my husband's point of view.

I would like them to have time alone with Ed when they do visit, and I did think of video taping it since they have manipulated him before (like I said Ed is very passive, submissive, and no awareness of situations). But I can't afford to do it, but nothing wrong with placing a tape recorder in the room so they can't come back later and claim he said things.

They should be defending or explaining what they have done, not the other way around. Ironically what they were accusing me of (trying to get control of Ed's property), is exactly what they ended up doing.

I have to let all this go. But with documentation in place (tape recording and record of care), I will feel secure because I'll be prepared if anything comes up again. And from what I can see it is likely that I will have to face their behavior toward me again at some point.

I feel good having a plan in place. Sorry for the long post. It helped me work this through. Thanks for your help.

Cher




[ December 11, 2001: Message edited by: Cher50 ]

CHER: Glad the idea of recordings appeals to you and is feasible (sp?).

I suggest getting the newer 120 minute tapes (1 hour on each side) for a project like this. They cost a little more but I think the advantage of the longer taping time would be worth it.

I remember conversations with Momma that would take 10 to 15 minutes just for one thought to be completely expressed.

Good luck on your project. I'm happy to hear a more positive note in your last post. Having a plan does give one a certain amount of relief, doesn't it?

Sending positive thoughts your way.......PATS

PS: Verbally put the date on the recording at the beginning of each session.

[ December 11, 2001: Message edited by: patsfewregrets ]

Good idea. The longer tapes would make it easier. Ed also takes quite a long time to say what he has to say. I'll be sure not to prompt him so no one can say later that I told him what to say, just record our normal conversations. Since I won't be doing this frequently (every day) it's a good idea to record the date too.

Maybe eventually I can create some tapes of Ed for his daughters. I would give anything to have recordings of my grandma and my kids dad and others that have passed on. Sadly all my children have of their father are Egyptian momentos and personal items.

As for dealing with critical relatives:

I've always been one to "expect the best, but plan for the worse." Especially in this case because I don't want to repeat the same mistake and assume that his family can be trusted. I have been advised by a friend who knows us and all the people involved and supported me during the abduction, that I should not give them my trust again. Love is unconditional but trust is earned I think.

Mentally I know that forgivness is the best way to handle other's judgments and criticism. But overlooking big stuff is hard and healing takes time. But when we nurture ourselves and give ourselves what we don't get from others not only healing is possible, but increased feelings of self-worth (and we need that as caregivers doing a thankless job). It also makes us less dependant on other's approval.

Hey I just hit on the solution for dealing with disapproving relatives. We don't need their approval to feel good about our caregiving!!!



Thanks again,

Cher

[ December 11, 2001: Message edited by: Cher50 ]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Cher50:

My questions:
* Do I have a responsibility to help my husband make contact with his family since he is unable to follow through with this himself?
* I do not feel it is safe to have him visit alone with his brother in their home like before (the daughters will not come since they live too far away). How can we arrange for a visit in our home and still not subject myself to their accusations?
* What can I do to protect myself from being falsely accused of abuse in the future? (can you imagine what are the consequences of being accused of elder abuse or neglect)

---

Char,

NO You are not responsible to make contact, nor do I believe you should. It maybe wise to not make any type of contact with them.

Your husband should not be left alone with the family especially those that did the abduction. May I say a court supervised visit. Heck if they want they can go to court and get visiting rights. Contact your lawyer and see how this can be arranged or how to protect yourself and hubby with such visits.

I prefer setting up a camcorder that will just run a continuing tape of an area of the house that will make a record of events. We did this at times especially when leaving certain family members or others to watch Milly when hubby and I ran an errand together. My favorite video recording is one done at Christmas with us decorating the tree and Milly wandering in and out and the various inter reactions going on that day.

What really scares me the most about the "relatives" is the way they have turned your 'husband' into their 'inheritance'. Is there a way to remind them that their 'inheritance' is very much a vital part of your life and not theirs? Sometimes people want to ruin what they never will have; LOVE OF LIFE. It is hard but know that when you sleep at night your conscience is free to dream. They must suffer nightmares in their guilt ridden unconscienceness. Having the money and family heirlooms doesn't mean that they will enjoy them. As soon as they get their 'rightfull' inheritance they'll be looking for another battle to win. There are just people in life that are never happy unless they can cause misery upon others. To feel safe you must win the battle in your mind. I think you have already done this. Be proud of yourself. You have conquered the enemy; fear. Do not let the "relatives" scare you. When they realise that they can no longer control you the battle is over.

I hope that my rattling on has said something.... This is a topic verrrry close to home. Take care of both of you.

VERA

Thanks Vera. I'm glad this post reached out to you. I appreciate having the response of someone who has dealt with uninvolved critical inheritance-focused relatives, and it sounds like you've been there. Believe me you are not alone and if there is anything I can do for YOU don't hesitate to ask.

Vera said: "When they realize they can no longer control you the battle is over."

In addition to realizing that we don't need our relative's approval for our caregiving, this is a FANTASTIC SOLUTION to getting and keeping peace of mind. I think I gave them a clear message that I was not going to accept their interference, when I petitioned the court to void the legal documents my husband unknowingly signed. You're right I should feel good about how I have begun to set boundaries with them, since I have allowed myself to be intimidated by them in the past (defending myself from false accusations).

Now I need to think of how I will respond when I am contacted by any of them. Vera said:

quote:

---

To feel safe you must win the battle in your mind....fear

---

You hit the nail on the head. I have let my imaginings of future contact with my husband's relatives (and my resentments/anger about what they did) take up residence in my quiet times, loosing sleep over it and letting it destroy my peace.

Fear also makes us more vulnerable to others, isolates us from living a full life, sets us up for health problems because of stress, and robs us of energy and focus we need for our caregiving. When Ed was released back home after his abduction I was terrified for weeks that it would happen again. This irrational thought led to anxiety attach every time he left the house (he was still taking walks alone and going to the store in the neighborhood by himself then). Then I settled down and realized that they had what they wanted (control of his property) and that they most likely would leave us alone, and I also came up with solutions for supervising him without curtailing his freedom.

Allowing others to upset us to the point that it effects our peace, health, and caregiving is so destructive. I guess just had to get mad enough to do anything about it. I have been able to handle difficult situations and have not been down with depression since I have started taking steps to protect myself and my husband (starting the day he was abducted).

Strange how experiences in life make us stronger.

Thank you for your input and words of wisdom.

Cher

Vera there is a response to your post just below this one.

EA: I appreciate your practical and experienced view-point, that I am sure comes from your own experience and from helping other caregivers deal with their families, legal and financial issues, and caregiving concerns.

Protecting the caregiver (from emotional and financial stress) is vital to the quality of life for our LO. I know it sounds strange but I am only just now starting to realize that I matter too...my health and feelings of safety and security. And I feel what benefits us as caregivers also benefits the person we care for doesn't it.

EA, your comments about what to do when being visited by his brother and wife (who abducted him)...I was thinking about letting them have an unsupervised visit in our home and going to the neighbor, but now I have reconsidered after reading your post. They have not earned my trust and have always reacted inappropriately to my husband's dementia. I think I can arrange for someone besides me to be there if I don't feel like I can handle being around them. I would feel confident that I would not be verbally attached if there were someone else there, in particular an impartial mediator or social worker. I don't know how to go about finding someone but I will look into it right away.

Do we as caregivers have a responsibility to contact our LO's relatives for them? (since my husband has not been able to initiate this himself). I couldn't agree with you more..... I really don't have a responsibility to call them myself and help his daughter or brothers have a relationship with him, that is their responsibility. But if my husband continues to express a desire to contact them himself, I don't know how to handle that other than dial the phone for him.

The last and only contact I have had with any of the family members involved in the abduction or financial exploitation (preparing legal documents for Ed to sign), was my sister-in-law, who called to accuse me of isolating my husband from his family. I responded calmly but firmly confronted her asking when did this happen (they never called asking to speak to him or visit him) and she said they were afraid to come over. I said I am not responsible for their choices (I felt good about that). When I asked if her husband (Ed's brother) wanted to talk to my husband, he refused to come to the phone. His brother has ALWAYS had his wife call for him, and I made it clear that if he wanted to see him, he needed to call me himself.

Ed's daughter the Trustee (irrevocable trust was one of the documents) has not even once made any contact with us even through her attorney to make arrangements to pay for my husband's needs out of his assets. She hadn't managed the rental property (which was transferred from my husband to her) or paid any of the expenses when the renter moved out months ago and the lender is threatening foreclosure (I had my attorney and Ed's conservator contact the bank to explain the situation). She has only put the property up for sale, asking $60,000 LESS than what it was worth at the time he signed the documents in March. The property values have gone way down. Those involved had never directly contacted us before the abduction either, got their information about us from Ed's other daughter (we have contact with a daughter that was not involved) or from other people who have no contact with us at all.

As a result of these behaviors, I have come to the conclusion recently that their motive was strickly CONTROL of finances, not the best interest and protection of my husband (like his daugher attorney is claiming).

They do not take any responsibility for having made these decisions, and it is most likely that they will always rationalize their choices by continuing to say (through her attorney) that it was all my husband's wishes.....although my husband has not been able to make ANY financial decisions since 1997, nor had he been awareness to situations or his envioronment when out of the immediate neighborhood.

It has been 3 wks since my attorney made an agreement to pay her attorney fees (one of the demands the daugher had) so they would not contest the documents being revoked. That makes me think that they are coming up with a written agreement giving her some degree of control. We have to wait and see.

Thanks EA for helping me settle my question about protecting myself and my husband.

Cher

[ December 12, 2001: Message edited by: Cher50 ]

Just wanted to apologize for the long posts which I see to do when I'm worried about something. If there are any further posts here I promise to keep my response brief.

Thank you all,

Cher

CHER: Don't worry about long posts. You need to express yourself fully to understand your own feelings. And, if we can be of any assisstance to you, we need to know those little details.

Some things cannot be said in short posts, so feel free to post any length you feel like at the time.

HUGS.......Pats

Cher, youhave been given some wonderful advise plus come up with some good ideas on your own. I would just add you may be able to rent a camcorder for a day or two at a low rate. Look in the yellow pages under rental.

I would contact the Alzheimer's Assoc. to have them send out someone to act as mediator if you do decide to meet with the relatives.

Keep posting whenever you need to. Don't worry about the legnth. We are here to help you. Let us know what you decide to do. We care.

Vicki

Again, thank you Vickie. I would like to set up a video at least in the living room, so that I can have a record of any visits from Ed's family. I am certain now that I will ask them to prearrange their visit and have a mediator present the first time. I never thought of asking the Alzh Asso for this service.

Most likely Ed's brother will want to visit when his other brother comes from out of state, which he has done.

The camcorder is a good idea when leaving our LO with new caregivers such as home health aids, or anyone we don't know well. I heard plenty of stories about elder abuse and neglect by those who are being paid to give respite or in-home caregiving.

I'll look into renting one since I can't really afford one now (I'm still paying on Ed's hearing aid).

Thanks again,

Cher

Cher, you are such a neat person. If I were you I would be ready to throttle Ed's family. It is very gracious of you to do this for Ed. I'm hope renting a camcorder works out for you. At least now you know you have to watch your back.

Keep us posted on how things are going.

Vicki