Hi to all,
I have been reading the post and am grateful for the information.
My situation with my mom is very stressful. She is 69. To make a long story short she basically gambled her money away with the stock market and this day trading stuff back in 2001.
She ended up declaring ch 13 bankruptcy which she got to keep her home but refinanced at a $1200.00 a month house payment for 30 years. She also ran up probably $30,000 worth of credit card debt and now has to pay a $500.00 credit card payback amount.
She retired from a good job at 62 to raise dogs and supposidy make money in the stock market. Which I told her not to do. She doesn't listen to any thing I say. (which is another long story) Anyway the work she is doing is not enough to pay her bills. Now she is after my brother and I to give her money. I did give her $600.00 last month to help her get a reverse mortgage. I can not give her any more money. I have two children 16 & 12. They are getting ready to go to college and I am working part-time and going to technical college to get a better job. (For me and my family)
My mother says she cannot sell the house for 3 years because of the bankruptcy. The house is old and needs major repairs (furnace ready to go).
I feel so trapped with her and this house. It would be suicide to have her come live with me. We used to get along but I have a lot of ill feelings towards her now because she won't get out of a house she can't afford. The older she gets the worse it is going to get because she only gets $800.00 Social Security. I am trying to be pro-active but she won't budge.

She doesn't even have the money to get an appartment. She may have to forclose on her house in a few months. I am so upset with her I can't sleep at night. Thank the Lord she is in good health. I just don't know what to do and I really don't think there is anything I can do except pray. I have tried to talk to her and my brother but no one seems to want to deal with it .
The bottom line is I am afraid that she will create some crisis and have to come live with me and I feel it would ruin my life. I can't pay her bills. Do I have to have her come live with me? My brother refuses to give her money. He doesn't really want to help and they are dumping the entire situation on me. (I don't blame my brother for not giving her money but this doesn't help me.)
Thanks for letting me vent. I wish this was over but I feel it is just beginning.
Christie

Christie welcome in, I am a little floored at everything you wrote here, wadda mess! but I guess you know that already.
Have you thought about a Credit Counselor for your mom? It sounds like she needs one bad and they can help.
Has she always been like this with money/possessions or is this a recent occurrence?
Where is her spouse in all this?
Your brother well sweetie he's being what I would call smart my Gran used to have a saying "Dont throw good money after bad" you keep bailing her out and shes not going to learn there are consequences to her actions *or spending habits* and no you dont have to let her come live with you but she is gonna need someone to tell her straight out that she needs help and theres no more here so either apply herself, get a job and go into counseling.
You have to focus on your own life because of your children. Talk to her openly and honestly sweetie thats all thats left.

Thank you for your reply.
Deep down I know what I need to do. Its hard and sad.
Actually she was very responsible up until 2001.
She is divorced from my dad and is single. She got greedy with the stock market when it was doing good and took out loans to buy more stock. Which I told her not to do.
The whole time she is doing all this crazy stuff with her finances My husband's father had cancer in 2004 and my mother-in-law had a nervous break down in 2005 and had to go into an assisted living. Then we spent 2006 & 2007 cleaning out and fixing her house to sell. Praise God it sold this past summer and we are out from under that. My mother in law is doing fantastic and now I need to deal with my mother.
I think I gave her the money to just passify her until I can get a grip on my life.
My brother is being smart and saving himself. He is not as commpassionate as I am. He can sort of not care and stay away and leave me with her.
I guess I need to have another honest conversation with her which I did that this past February and of course she didn't want to hear a thing I had to say.
She has not been a zero of a mom. My daughter is 16 and when she was born my mom helped me a lot and took the kids places and spent money on them and had them spend the night and bought them clothes etc. I guess now she feels I owe her. But her bills are too high for me to help her. And her house is too old to fix. Plus she doesn't have the money to fix it.
Thanks Christie

ChristieVA, sounds like your mom has the same problem as one who is addicted to gambling or lottery tickets.
You may have to have a very serious talk with her and put all the cards on the table where she can see for herself.
She maybe eligable for senior housing .When their income is so low and their debt is more then they can pay,
It is financed through hud.My best friend is preparing to take residence in such a place.Some are excellent , some bad.Depends on the one chosen to run the places.
NOT A NICE POSITION TO BE PUT IN FOR A FAMILY

Welcome, Christie!
Your mother's plight reminds me of a similar phenomenon we have seen in our area, particularly when poker machines were legal in our parish. Older women get sucked into gambling very easily at a "certain age." The stock market is very much like a legalized form of gambling. A few "wins" and people just keep pullin' the lever hoping for another food pellet. It irritates me how the casinos market to elderly women (and elderly people in general). People who have never in their lives been gamblers, bet money in a card game or on a race or on a sports game can suddenly get sucked into an addiction they never dreamed would happen to them. Suddenly, they are bettng their grocery and mortgage and light bill money in hopes of getting back their investment and making a killing... They ALWAYS say they never thought it could happen to them... Business women often get sucked into the stock market in much the same way. A group of friends start out playing the market with a little extra pin money and the next thing ya know, they're buying on margin, losing thousands at a time, and covering their losses with their living expense money.

PLEASE look into this via Gamblers Anonymous in your area - maybe there is a branch for stock market junkies also, I don't know... I'm sure if you confronted your mother and told her she has a gambling addiction, she would puff up and get highly insulted, but it sounds very much like that's exactly what has happened to her.

quote:

The bottom line is I am afraid that she will create some crisis and have to come live with me and I feel it would ruin my life. I can't pay her bills. Do I have to have her come live with me? My brother refuses to give her money. He doesn't really want to help and they are dumping the entire situation on me.

Your mom has persisted in making poor financial decisions to such an unhealthy extent that she is in danger of losing everything. This is NOT your or your brother's responsibility, but you may feel obligated to help because she is your mother. Have you sought advice from a counsellor about this situation? I really think that you should, first, because it is eating you up. Second, a counselor may have some good suggestions for you as to how to proceed. It very much sounds like an addiction to me; if not, your mother may be suffering from the early signs of AD or another dementia-producing disease that may be impairing her sense of judgment and impulse control. If that is the case, you and/or your brother need to have mom sign a DPOA so that y'all can oversee her business and health decisions for her when/if she is mentally incompetent to do so.

I DO agree that you kids should stop giving Mom money. If she needs help, pay a bill directly (like make out the check to the utility company rather than to Mom) but do not just give her funds with which she is supposed to pay bills. That will simply enable her to divert the funds to her addiction and pipe dreams. At the same time, you and your brother may need to together, sit her down and say "Look Mom..."

BTW, there's no money in raising dogs if you are doing what a responsible breeder has to do.

quote:

She has not been a zero of a mom.

Oh no not at all sweetie I would never say that people start out with the best of intentions Moms too but sometimes they get themselves in so deep they cant see how destructive their vices have become they are looking for that next windfall.
I have a girlfriend who is a Bingo fanatic and let me tell you I sat down with her once and ONLY once wrote out in black and white what she spent to get into the games the money forked out on pull tabs (now theres an invention worthy of the Sucker of the year award! one word SPEEDO I sold those things lol )
Well by the time I was through with it she was in the hole especially when I factor in little snacks drinks and gas to get her happy butt there. All she sees is she won 250 bucks in one night..."That paid for the light or phone bill this month!" her words
Well how do you argue with a person who see's just that? You cant thats denial of epic proportions and lets not get into what it does to her relationships with her kids husband or friends when a bingo game is much more important than a sit down/visit with us....
The only thing you can do here is to offer your advice a shoulder but not your pocketbook.
They have got to get counseling or hit rock bottom to realize theres a problem.
Stand strong Christie but at the same time keep an eye out Like MB said there could be much more to this than meets the eye this could be AD rearing its ugly head really look at the things she does, does it make sense does she do other things that give you pause?
I hope this isnt the case but if it is you do need to prepare so I also second the idea of getting a POA/DPOA on your mom if and when its needed you will be able to easily take over day to day decisions in regards to her health and welfare

Thank you so much for your replys. I do think that she has addiction. Its not just gambling with money but codependency issues also. My brother is a desperate alcholic and the two of thems together has destroyed both their lives.
I think I will go to a counselor first then make arrangements to have (another) honest conversation with her. One of many in the past 6 years. Of which she never listens to a thing I say or does anything I suggest. But I am going to tell her I can't give her any more money nor would it work for her to come live with me. Its up to her to get some help because her problems are too big for me to handle. I don't mind getting the POA to help her with some of her decisions. I suggested that to her 6 months ago. She doesn't want me to have control because she wants to keep that house come hell or high water. And she wants my oldest brother and I to foot the bill. My youngest brother is the alcoholic and is of no use at all right now.

Thanks so much for your help. Christie

Codependency and addiction go hand in hand no matter what the addiction. A counselor should be able to help you see through the fog of all this. I hope that your older brother will join you as your family really NEEDS at least two people on the correct page - you already have 2 on the wrong page... BEST of luck with this! I feel for you and know this is heartbreaking for you, but out-of-control adults of any age cannot be allowed to ruin the lives of others. Many blessings to you for facing up to this challenge!

So much great advice. One of the best books I ever read that could really help is called "Boundaries" As children we love and want to help our parents and this book helps to show how to love but put boundaries in a kind way.

Just Thankful,

Can you tell me who writes "Boundaries". I see a couple of different books called "Boundaries" on Amazon.com.

Thanks!