Since October 2008 I have handled my 90 year old mother's finances because she is unable to pay her own bills anymore. Her dementia is such that she keeps denying she even has any bills. Since taking away her checks and credit cards my sister and I have kept her supplied with about $50 in cash in small bills so she can have money on hand to pay for small sundries, an occasional outing from her assisted living facility and services at the in-house hair salon. Several times now Mom has told us that the money has been stolen from her apartment in the ALF (all the staff have keys to her door.) We have complained about this and other thefts in the past, all to no avail with the management of the ALF. The police have said there is nothing they can do about it without proof. And, given Mom's increasing memory problems, even we cannot be sure what has been happening with her funds.

My sister is dead set against installing a small room safe in which to keep Mom's cash. Her point is that Mom would likely forget how much she put in and took out and would claim her money had been stolen, anyway.

Mom is still clamoring to get her credit cards and checks back and last week even went so far as to go to a nearby bank to apply for a new checking account. (The ALF community bus will take the residents anywhere they want to go.) She no longer understands that there must be actual money in an account to back up checks, so the bank refused to open an account for her.

In order to preserve what little sense of independence and privacy my mother has left, I am not ready to consider taking away all of her cash. Due to her irresponsible use of credit cards, however, I have placed a security freeze on her accounts at all three credit reporting agencies so she won't be able to order a new card for herself.

My questions to those of you who have more experience with this sort of thing are: How do I help Mom keep from feeling like she is being treated like a child with regard to money? What is a reasonable amount of money for her to have on hand? And is there any way to keep her cash secure in an apartment that is readily accessed by many people? The management of the ALF is unwilling to take any responsibility for handling cash for any of the ALF residents.

Thank you for any suggestions or insights you may be able to share. I know there are no perfect answers for all of these unique situations.

Hey SGG good to see you
Me personally having a few dollars is no big deal anything more than that is trouble.
So how about this since mom already thinks she has no bills (they miraculously got paid off by the credit elves Im guessin lol)
Is there any way you can set up an account with the hair salon and pay the bill on her behalf then tell mom its a comp for folks who reside at the ALF?
Talk to the owner and tell her your dilemma and suggest this idea to her.
I mean if shes a regular customer there I dont see why not.
On the matter of sundries how about purchasing them for her so she doesnt have to.
Give them in a nice basket like a present to her with all her favorite things.
This is what I do for my MIL all the time and it works like a charm.

How about one of those prepaid Visa cards? You can "recharge" them periodically and it would get declined if she went over the limit, tried to make a big purchase, etc. Only down side is that you don't get a statement.

We just changed the limit down to $200 for our LO's credit card and checked the statement every month. Most of the charges were dinners out or tickets to events that she went on with the ALF, and the occasional trip to Walmart. The social director at the ALF knew to ask me if she needed a cash payment for theater tickets they were buying in advance, etc. I made arrangements with her hairdresser that I would have checks already made out to her in our LO's wallet. If, for some reason, there was an additional expense she'd call me and I'd add it to the next week's check.

This is an odd thing, I thought ALFs usually had provisions for keeping cash for residents. What do I know, maybe that is for NH. I like the idea of her using a "gift certificate" with the salon. Mom's hair dresser, will print one out for X amount and then with each visit, deduct the amount and write in what remains. She will even keep it on file for you. (But then she is a personal friend I have known for years.)

With what you have said in the past about your mother's money problems and dementia, I wonder if her money is actually missing or if she forgets she spent it or forgets where she put it. Next time you visit check her pockets, inside books, sock drawer...


BG's gift basket idea is also pretty good. Will your sister deliver one? I know you are miles away, but it would reduce her need for money. What about gift cards, or a "cash card"? Not sure how it works, but one of Mom's CGs was using one (cash card) she got at WalMart. She used it like a debit card anywhere, but only for the amount she put on the card. It did not access a bank account or issue credit. When she was traveling it reduced her need to carry so much cash. She had no checking account and no credit cards. There was a fee, and I think she needed a PIN. That might be hard for your Mom to remember, she could still lose it, and I doubt the salon would take it, but it is something to look into. If it looks reasonable, you could put money on it from where you are.

Did you get that bank to stop printing out her checks?


I hope someone else has a better idea, but in the mean time, maby you could update us on how that little grand daughter of yours is coming along.

Oh, looks like TORP is on to the same idea about a card. Thanks.

We buy those prepaid Visa cards at our bank but you can get them at most malls, and we have never paid a fee. The merchant pays a percentage when you use it, just like when you use the Visa credit card. Visa gets to use your cash without paying you interest, and THAT is your contribution to the company.

Now withdrawing cash at an ATM might incur an ATM fee ... not sure about that. When our daughter was away at college, we used to keep one of these prepaid Visas "charged up" for her to use for pay at the pump gasoline and so forth.

When it came to money, my father drove me crazy. He had had an operation that nearly killed him and left him with some permanent physical issues and with short-term memory damage, as well as serious judgment problems. While he was in hospital, NH, rehab recovering, I was taking care of paying the bills. My mother had never done it and she was very stressed out and nervous (and she was in the beginning stages of AD but I didn't know that yet). When my father returned home, he took back paying bills. I was fine with that, as he seemed to be okay except for the phsyical problems. It wasn't until my mother (in her last really cognizant act) asked me if I'd check the bills because she didn't think Dad was paying them, that I did start looking and realized that he'd blithered up the bills and checking account any and every way you can ten times over. It was a mess that took time to sort out. I got POA soon after, cause he didn't worry about me paying stuff until I had to bring him checks to sign. Then he'd remember and demand to know everything, and explaining everything to a man who will forget minutes later became tiring. With POA, I could sign the checks myself. On the occasions when Dad would think about money, I'd put him off "I"m a little busy- can we talk about it in awhile?". Did that over and over again, but it worked.

I also learned my father had been making stock market transactions with a very shady guy. I got rid of him, but not until a lot of money was gone. Dad had also been entering mail order sweepstakes competitions - bogus ones where they ask for money upfront to enter and that kind of thing. He was getting - at one point - up to five a day. If he got the mail, he wanted those, and he'd see bills as well, so I learned to intercept the mail so it wouldn't remind him.

Cash in hand was the biggest problem. He , like your Mom, wanted cash and let me know it was "his money, his house, his life and I had no business keeping money from him". Actually, it's hard to argue that point even though I knew he wasn't capable of handling it. I would give him enough cash to make him happy to have some in his wallet. My sister - who is mentally ill and has addiction issues and lived with them - would regularly steal that cash. Of course, my Dad didn't understand or care where it went- he just wanted more money. In his mind, there was always 1000 dollars in the bank and he wanted some of it (so did I- their money was tight and I always wanted to know just where that 1000 bucks was! ).

Basically, I didn't find perfect answers to this last problem. I couldn't always watch the cash. I checked on it as often as I could to see if he still had it and - if it was gone - I was asking why while there was still a chance he might remember. Usually, it was my sister stealing it, and it's about impossible to prosecute a family member living in the same house for theft I learned. So... no great answers to this one. What I decided was to give him the absolute minimal amount of money he was okay with, and be ready to lose it. If he didn't mention money, neither did I. As much as possible, anything he would need or want I provided ahead of time so he would not feel the need for cash so much, which did help. I think the ideas of paying ahead of time for what your mother wants can help, and a prepaid card is a good idea if she understands how to use it.

The best solution I can give you to keep her from feeling like a child is to emphasize that you're not trying to control her money, that you're just helping take some of the load off her. If she sees you as helping vs taking over, it might make her feel better.

Anything that makes our loved ones feel they're losing their indpendence and control are always really tough issues to cope with. I hope you find a good solution to your problems.

Oh me oh my. I really appreciate all your suggestions. My mother's ALF (assisted living facility) will not keep cash for residents due to liability. I briefly considered a prepaid credit card in the past but immediately realized this would only perpetuate "Mom's" penchant for ordering useless merchandise from television infomercials, merchandise that would then have to be repackaged and sent back to the company for refunds that often never come. I have been through this MANY times in the past (several per week when Mom did have her own cards) and don't want to do that again. I can't count the number of hours I have spent on the phone trying to get these companies to issue refunds, usually to no avail. I still have found no solution to charities and political groups that are able to solicit "pledges" from Mom by phone. I just keep sending back their repeated demands to fulfill them, in their own postpaid envelope, of course.

The hairdresser at Mom's ALF refuses to accept liability for cash or checks on hand. Neither will she bill me or start any kind of as-needed account for any of the ALF clients. You'd think that she and the ALF would make it easier for residents to go cashless, but they don't.

I was finally able to close Mom's old checking account, so at least her old bank is no longer printing checks for her. What a relief it was to get rid of that threat! Mom's new account is much more secure and definitely follows their own rules for authorized access.

My sister has reluctantly brought various toiletries and OTC meds to Mom on occasion but Mom still complains that she's being treated like a child and wants the freedom to spend her money on whatever she wants. So that is what the cash is for. But Mom's mind is so far gone that just last night when I phoned her she told me she was glad her birthday is next month so everyone would come see her (her BD isn't until October) and that she was upset because she hasn't had a phone in years (which made me wonder what she was talking to me with, at the same number she's had since 1969.) Her reasoning ability for making appropriate purchases seems to be declining every day. She takes back nearly everything she buys even if it takes her months to do so and she's lost the receipt. I truly feel sorry for any merchant that has to deal with her.

On Friday I got yet another call, which I let go to voice mail, from the manager of a dementia facility my husband and I toured while visiting Mom in October 2008. Would that I could just send Mom there so professional staff would keep a close eye on her and she couldn't just take the community bus to a bank to open a new account. It is clear that Mom doesn't know what she's doing, but no one in the family wants to have anything to do with moving her to a more secure place. My sister is particularly adamant that Mom not move due to the fact the dementia facility costs roughly twice what Mom is paying at the ALF now. Due to all the abuse we suffered at Mom's hands, most of the rest of our siblings won't even respond to my occasional e-mail updates let alone call or visit the woman. And in many ways I can't blame them because I admit that sometimes I would love to have a conscience that would allow me to simply lock her up and walk away.

Oh, the angst of it all. Sometimes it's so hard to cope.

On the bright side, I've accomplished quite a bit these past several months: secured my mother's accounts from intruders, brought all the past due accounts up to date, closed accounts she no longer needed, gotten her pension fund to acknowledge me as representative payee so I can pay her bills more easily, stopped her investment broker's habit of "churning" her accounts for his own gain, gotten her signed up for Medicare supplementary insurance that has already saved her hundreds of dollars, corrected medication errors the ALF was making, gotten the ALF to actually PERFORM the services for which my mother has been paying several thousand dollars extra per month, set up automatic payments for most of her expenses and even got the ALF to begin automatic rent payment for residents starting in April. So I, like all of you, have to acknowledge what I have been able to do despite the fact that the safeguards I try to initiate aren't always foolproof. Best of all, I can live with my conscience knowing that I've always done the best that I can in extremely trying circumstances.

Mom continues to verbally abuse me every time I phone her. I continue to get accused of stealing her money, taking away her freedom and anything else for which she has a mind to blame someone.

But I am content to know that MY children truly love me and that I never hurt them. And my new precious baby granddaughter is growing like a weed and every couple of weeks I am able to see her via web cam so I won't miss it. These are all indescribably wonderful gifts that dear old "Mom" will never understand or experience. I feel so incredibly blessed.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: stillagoodgirl,

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Originally posted by stillagoodgirl:

Mom continues to verbally abuse me every time I phone her. I continue to get accused of stealing her money, taking away her freedom and anything else for which she has a mind to blame someone.

I think that most of us can relate. Then, there are the 3rd degree phone calls from people they complain TO who don't know the situation. The time spent undoing messes that they get themselves into, and so forth. We're in our tenth year of it, and believe me, after another incident last week I'm dreaming of running away and living on an island with no phones. It was a small thing in the grand scheme, but we do get worn down after a while. But we keep on keeping on and look for those little joys here and there.

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You'd think that...the ALF would make it easier for residents to go cashless, but they don't.

This is my major gripe with ALFs. What THEY define as "assisted living" may be very different from what the residents need, or come to need. It doesn't only mean assistance with tying shoes or opening drapes or making meals - it also means assistance with activities of daily LIVING! ADLs are not simply little tasks like making a sandwich!!!

God bless ALL of you who have to deal with this maddening grey area of life where common sense is nowhere to be found.

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Originally posted by Moms_Buddy:
ADLs are not simply little tasks like making a sandwich!!!

I'm not sure they are even capable of that. One night the dinner menu at my mother's ALF offered a hot dog. And here it came on a plate, one hot dog. No bun, just a hot dog. Plain. But I suppose even this pitiful offering is better than most meals there. Once when Mom got her mid-day meal to go, she came back to her room with three dollops of "glop" on a plate. I did not recognize any of them nor could I match them to anything on the supposed menu for that day. Personally, I wouldn't have touched them. BTW, my mother is not on a "soft" foods diet. If she were, I might have understood why they had blenderized everything. What a rip-off for several thousand dollars a month. If it had been me, I would have sent the glop back to the kitchen and demanded real food.

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What a rip-off for several thousand dollars a month.

For that much money someone better offer up a daggum steak! S of a B! A hot dog (seriously crap in the way of nutrition!) and slop?!
And shes not on a soft diet?
God help her if shes on a low sodium diet
Iv seen ALF's in this area (Cali land of the wallet busters) I dont know where you are but if this menu is given to all the residents Id be reporting them