Hello all -

I'm new to the forums and have a few questions for y'all.

First, let me explain my situation. My parents live about 45 minutes away and own their own house. My mom (age 82) is still very sharp. My dad is 91 and has been pretty sharp mentally, although I can see that he's slowly starting to degrade. Both of them still get around, although the past few winters have been tough with the snow (we live in the northeast). I think my situation is pretty good compared to some of the other posts I've read, but I still have a few issues to deal with.

1. I'm concerned that my dad is still driving. This is a painful situation, because they live in a rural area and can't go anywhere without driving. I'm 90% sure that he's not really in condition to drive. Any tips on getting him to give up his license?

2. My parents are running/have run out of money & are having problems keeping up with medical & heating expenses (they hit the medicare part d donut hole). I'm trying to get some property tax abatements & heating oil assistance for them, but they've also asked me for $1000(!) a month (doable, but definitely a strain and causing friction between me & my wife). I'm an only child, so support is fully on me. Has anyone else here been in a similar situation? What have you done, and how has it worked out? I think I need to start looking at their income & expenses, but it's a difficult topic...

3. my wife thinks I should get a social worker to look into their situation - is that a good idea?

I really think they need to move to a smaller & cheaper condo or a retirement community. They've mentioned that they've looked into reverse mortgages, but don't like the high fees. Seems like THEY want to keep living in their house.

Anyway, thanks for reading. This is creating a lot of stress for me - I feel like I need to do something soon to get my parents into a more sustainable situation.

Hello Davidx welcome in
Well, being in the not so unique position of being the daughter in law that cares for husbands mother Ill tell you it can be a stressful situation to be put in.
Your wife's worries and fears are well founded.
Often I have to make decisions Id rather not have to make.
Im quite aware at all times they could have EXTREMELY disastrous consequences in the end on my marriage and because of it I have lost it all over my husband a time or 2.
I am safety girl thats my first priority if I felt it was no longer safe for my MIL but my husband did not I let him know in no uncertain terms. I can NOT at the end be held accountable for inaction on my husbands part. I have had to make some life altering decisions to ensure my MIL's safety here. I am my MIL's POA and DPOA that in itself makes this legal and binding I am THEE one responsible for healthcare and monetary needs of my MIL so at the end of the day I do report to not only my own head and heart but my husband as well.
And I am also married to an only child....
Now there is a sense of honor loyalty and defense of parents the likes Iv never witnessed in a family of say 2 or more children...IMHO.
Is that a bad thing? Absolutely not. Can be for a spouse though.

So now that thats been said...
1) Do you have a POA & DPOA on both your parents it is essential that you have these 2 documents. These are for monetary and healthcare needs. If they are in fact asking you for monetary compensation then it is essential you know why they need it, approach your mom and ask her to see her financial's so you can fix what might be wrong. Be gentle sometimes this takes some finessing, but do it you must.
2) PG&E does have a program (gas & electric) that helps seniors out on a fixed income, here I had to get a Doctors approval that showed we needed the extra help due to health reasons.
Ma Bell also has a senior program.
All companies they deal with call them up and ask them about money saver programs they all are able to help in a pinch be nice and just state facts.
If they have credit cards call the companies up, they would rather work it out then send someone to collections they LOVE getting acknowledgment through a phone call. In fact all utilities are very much the same in this respect.

3)Get a Doctors appt and discuss with him/her in private first about your dad and your worries about his mental state and your fear of his driving. They can assist and be the bad guy in this by contacting the DMV for you to get his license revoked. After that disable the car on your own if it needs to stay at their home or fabricate a whopper and tell him you need to bring it to the shop to get fixed and go from there....thats if your mom doesnt drive if she does then keys need to be hid.
If she doesnt drive then your going to need a form of transport for them or simply do errands & driving them around yourself.

4) Ask the Doc to get you an appt with a Medical Social Worker they will help sort out and see if there are any additional programs available to your parents in the way of Medicaid/Medi-cal and if your parents have any insurances from work or military background.
Your wife is absolutely right about this help for your parents.
Tell Mrs DavidX she is also welcome here

Welcome DavidX Glad you found your way here. BG has given you some GREAT advice to help get things straight for your parents. I hope you find the assistance they (and you) need for their care.

Hi David

Just a note about the reverse mortgage. Tell your folks that they have revised the fee and now it is I believe down to 6%. This is way lower than when I got mine. The change is effective this month and I am already thinking of refinancing mine.
As far as the driving. My husband a couple of months before he passed last year he took a driving test and they renewed it till year 2012. I could not believe it because he had multiple health problems I was hoping that they would take the drivers liscense. Anyway if they live rural you can contact Meals on Wheels and there are a lot of caregivers that do errands. But be careful of giving them any bank information. It is real easy for them to take advangate. Good luck

Hi David.

Can't add much to what's been said, but I can tell you that it's extremely, extremely common for our elder loved ones to be very reluctant to move out of their homes. It's understandable. Their friends are dying, their health is more precarious, they see changes happening that are frightening. Home becomes a haven and a sanctuary.

It can be awfully difficult to change that mindset. Even if they'd be moving to an independent facility, it still might feel like step one to "being put away" to them. It requires a lot of patience and reassurance to help them understand that's not what it's about - that they're not being kicked out of their home to be institutionalized and abandoned. Sometimes - if you can get them to visit these places in person - it can help. Seeing the amenities, learning about services available ( which could include driving them places), meals served to them,cleaning, etc - depending on the place - and talking to other residents who are happy there - can help sometimes.

Maybe you can get brochures for some places and show them how nice they are and get to that step two of a visit. I'm surely not guaranteeing this will work, but it's one approach.