My grandmother is turning 90 today. She lives by herself, and has been doing ok. Until recently, she has begun accusing others (who have been taking care of her- driving her to the doctor, to get food, etc) of taking her money. My sister in law has taken her to the bank and made sure, that, after much research, no one has taken any money from her. Often her stories would change- first someone took the money, then she gave the money to give it to someone, then oh yea, no, it's actually under her bed.

What can we do? I live 3000 miles away and my sister in law is the only relative physically close to her. I'm afraid that if I suggest she give us (well, anyone) power of attorney she's going to get angry and not speak to us. She has already done this to several other people who have tried to "help" her.

HELP!

Welcome in JGB.
I have a few questions for you if you would like to answer that would be great.
Now your SIL lives near her so Im assuming your brother and her try to care for her?
Does your Grandmother have regular doctors appointments and is the doctor and SIL aware she may be suffering from Dementia?
Does this family close to her ensure your grandmothers safety?
With Dementia this is a common phenomenon with money and folks, they often think they are being taken advantage of, losing money, hoarding, forget they gave an amount to someone who just may be doing an errand for them.
I often do errands for folks either with their money or my own and get reimbursed and they forget a day/week later so I usually tell a family member what I did so that they know I wasnt just dipping in the cookie jar knowaddimean
If her caregivers are doing this for her maybe the best suggestion is to stop it and only allow your SIL or brother to do her errands from now on.
On the matter of the POA, do you not trust your SIL? Is she the one that holds the current POA?
Being a long distance POA is a hardship unless you visit her on a regular basis, do you?
Are you able to write out her monthly bills and take care of all legal matters from where you are?
SIL may be feeling a bit put out when folks ask her simply because in a way it sounds as if these folks dont trust that she has your grandmothers best interests at heart.
Am I siding with her? Absolutely not. I dont know her or her character only you can answer that.

hi jgb!
Okay, if I were you, the first thing I would do is GET THAT MONEY OUT FROM UNDER HER BED! YIKES,that's an open invitation to some HUGE problems to come! I'm 51 and I can't remember where I put stuff!
Then I would open an account at the bank that has a debit card and I would watch that account everyday online for all transactions anybody makes or set up an alert for any spending over a certain amount, the bank will email you if that happens. If she doesn't go for that idea--BG has a great set-up idea as far as having the person call you and report any cash transactions right away so you can keep track. As BG said this is a very very common problem with the elderly even in nursing homes where they don't have ANY cash on them.
That's my 2 cents. Glad you came to ECO! See you around!

Ok, so I think I was a bit unclear earlier. Let me clarify.

No one has power of attorney right now. I am afraid of asking my grandmother (not SIL) for it, as she has already gotten angry at others for asking about it. I completely and totally trust my sister in law; my brother passed away last year, and she has stepped up in keeping an eye on grandma.

I do not get to visit often (plane tickets keep going up in price, and I'm a teacher- no great money there!).

I do like the idea of the debit card, although I'm not sure how well she would take to the idea (grandma, that is). When I visited earlier this year, she didn't understand that the bank statements had re-set for the year; her interest earned had gone down to 0; she was convinced the bank had taken her money. Took me awhile to explain it to her.

Grandma has said time and time again that she would rather die than live in any sort of home. But I'm really afraid that between the money issues that keep coming up and her health (a whole 'nother story), we may have to do something along those lines.

Thank you all for your help and your suggestions. They are greatly appreciated!!

Boston, where is your mom or dad in all this (since this is your gramma)? DPOA and POAs are valuable instruments for EVERYONE to designate just in case, but if your gramma isn't going to take this common business mater in an adult manner, you really cannot do anything she doesn't consent to... you'll have to call Adult Protection services if you think her well-being is in jeopardy or she is a danger to others. Since you are so far away, I don't see what you can do without physically going there at some point... You can involve APS with a phone call, but they may be limited in what they can do if she refuses assistance BUT is not a danger to herself or others. There's no law against being an old lady who hides her money... You could also consult an eldercare attorney in her state and discuss gaining guardianship of her and her business and health matters, but that would require a LOT of effort and proof, especially if you do not intend to live in the jurisdiction of the court... Please keep us updated.

MB, thanks for your advice. Grandma is my mom's mom, and my mother passed away 10 years ago. My uncle has decided that since grandma is not his "real" mom (grandma adopted both my mom and uncle when they were young and she and grandpa got married, after my biological grandmother passed away), that he doesn't want anything to do with her. My father wants nothing to do with me or grandma. So there's no help there.

Grandma has had hearing problems for years- as long as I can remember. So sometimes I'm not sure what she doesn't understand and what she doesn't hear. (She has/had hearing aides, but says they don't work and/or loses them.) For example, she was having trouble with her phone line, and called the number for customer assistance; it was a voice prompt system. But because her hearing was so bad, she simply yelled her name, number, and problem into the phone repeatedly, and was angry days later when no one had come to take care of it. (I was out visiting when this happened and made the phone calls and got everything taken care of eventually when she would let me).

I'm just very worried about her. I would love to move out there, and my boyfriend and I are looking into how feasible it is (budget wise) right now.

Thanks again for all the advice and thoughts.

Well there is one other alternative and thats to place a conservatorship on her where she will be able to stay in her home have caregivers come in and help with her day to day care now I dont exactly know how that works but my office actually deals with a few cases such as this its an interesting set up I have to say and an Eldercare Attorney would be better suited to assist in you and your grandmother in this.
Your one brave cookie my dear thinking about picking your life up and moving 3000 miles to care for her but that is a drastic step to take for a *I hate being blunt but here goes dont be mad* temporary situation.
Caregivers often get the raw end of the stick when life ends so you have to have a back up plan before stepping into this role, do you have one if you in fact move out there?
My best suggestion to you is to take your summer vacation to visit with your gran and discuss options with her, ask her ALL the important questions if you dont when something eventually happens, and it will from the sound of it they are going to need to be asked so its better to hear it from someone she trusts rather than a stranger.
please keep us updated we'll be routing for you

Well, moving out to Washington is something we have been thinking about for awhile, off and on, but I see your point, and I'm glad you're so blunt! :-) Unfortunately, I teach in a residential school for kids with severe special needs, and we go year round- no summer break here!
Thanks for your thoughts. Gotta run- lunch break over!

JGB, If you decide that moving to Washington is going to happen, I will be here to welcome you and we can care for our grammas together!!

MB and Dochka (and everyone else) are such great sources of information and support. I'm still really new at this myself and have gotten so much help in this forum.

Please don't be afraid of gramma getting angry at you for bringing up these hard subjects. She will either forget about it or get over it. Remind yourself constantly that what you are doing is trying to take care of her like she would have done when you were a small illogical child.

when you do try and talk to her, maybe taking an approach like you would do with one of your special needs kids would help.

You are truly a special person to be able to handle all of those special needs kids! Please keep in mind that your experiences with them will benefit you when dealing with your gramma when she is irrational.

Hi Boston:
I live in Mass. just over the line from RI and had some the same issues with my mom as you are having. My mom died in 2006 and was living in PA with my brother at the time. My mom had parkinson's with dementia and gave my brother POA and executor of her estate. He stole all her personal belongings and all her money. My mom and I trusted him to be fair and since he was living with her and I was 4 hrs away that he should be POA. It took me awhile to realize he was stealing from her from the minute he got the POA and now we are in court hasing things out. Th lawyer is costing me money from my family. I have the only 3 grandchildren and she wanted them to have moeny for college.

My advice to you would be to get you and your SIL named as POA. That way it would be fair. Remember when it comes to money and estates people are very different. I trusted my brother and look what happened. I am not saying anything bad about your SIL, just don't want you to go thru what I am now. My mom has been dead almost 2 years and I have not one rsonal item from her, which she wanted me to have some furniture of hers and some jewelry. My brother claims she had nothing which is not true. I fmy parents were alive, they would be disgusted with him. He has done this because he has "taken care" and I use those words loosely of her for a few years and he was mad. He did not want to do anything that I suggested to help her and it was hard for me living quite a distance. I tried the best I could.

Also, my mom did not want to go into a nursing home either, but I wanted to keep that an option because neither one of us were in the medical field, but I learned after her death that my brother needed and wanted her money, so that is why he did not want to spend it on her.

I would suggest you consult an elder care attorney for advice.
Also, I contacted the dept of elderly affairs in PA and that was a waste of time. They did nothing. I understand that RI has a better dept. because I spoke to people around here, but by the time I did that, all the damage was done.
Call your local senior services dept and they may be able to give you some general advice.
Do something now so that you can do something for your grandma to help her as time goes on.
Best of luck to you.