I apologize if this is not a new topic, but it is new to me.

My parents retired about 10 years ago, and are 71 (Dad) and 66 (Mom). They moved to a nice, golf community on a lake in North Carolina. They admittedly have been living beyond their means, and often find themselves paying late fees and finance charges on credit cards, along with purchases that don’t seem to make sense if finances are truly at issue: subscriptions to tons of magazine, day trips to nearby towns, frequent nights out dining and theatre, etc. My mom has even indicated that my Dad, a Federal govt. retiree, miscalculated his retirement benefits and stopped working too soon.

I don’ t begrudge my parents enjoying their golden years, but now it is impacting me and my family. Instead of living within their means or, at my urging, seeking to better understand their budget (income & outflows), they have instead looked to their children for income. Last year my parents asked me to re-pay my college education, a not-so-small sum of about $15K.

While I could probably find a way to budget a few hundred dollars per month, I choose not to do so for two reasons. First, this was never the expectation when I was younger, as they always stated they would pay for undergraduate college. It is only now that they are cash-strapped that suddenly the ‘rules’ have changed. And secondly, even if I could rework the budget for my family of four, why should I do so only to subsidize their irresponsible spending habits?

At the same time I don’t want my parents to suffer from their own poor choices, but it’s hard for me to help them if they won’t help themselves.

Any advice from similar situations would be most appreciated. Thanks.

Hey c-stone welcome in
My first thought is something is amiss with them but hey I could be wrong only you know them well enough....you know.
Is this/was this a normal way of handling money with them?
If its not I would dig a little deeper to find out what if anything is going on with them medically speaking.
And I have to (s'cuse me folks I dont know if this is gonna ruffle feathers but so be it if it does)
Do NOT pay back that loan you are absolutely correct in your thinking that if you do you are only paying for their current lifestyle.
Didnt they try and teach you to live within your means?
Well its time to toss that lil lesson on back at them.
Keep it brief with respect and tell them both your sorry but the way this economy is, keeping food on the table for 4 and a roof over your heads at this time is all you can afford...period.
Dont add, fluff, wiggle, fidget, hymn or haw...just the facts ma'am just the facts

Hello, c-stone, welcome to ECO. Sorry your parents (and you) are going through this. Like BG asked, is this new for them, what changed? Did they underestimate the mortgage at the golf community, have their interest rates changed? Was it an adjustable rate mortgage? They may be able to refinance their home to some advantage. Do they have any equity? You are right, this ain't pretty. It is oddly the same trap so many younger people are in right now, but finding your parents in this situation is a horrble twist on it. You sound pretty knowledgable about finances so I won't try to give you a lot of basic links you probably have. It seems the problem is that the info falls on deaf ears. When it is your children, you can try tough love and they can benefit, but here you do have a conundrum.

I agree with BG, that if the cost of your education was a gift (or duty), not a loan, there is nothing to repay. Any help you give them would have to be contingent on compliance from their side to use proper debt management tools. Possibly even a consolidation loan and definetly a tight budget. If they refuse to be responsible about living within their means, and they have always been responsible in the past, perhaps there is a medical problem that needs to be addressed. OCD or bi-poler, even depression come to mind. Often loss of impulse control is an early symptom of AD.

You are being very reasonable to put the needs of your family and the future of your children in the center of your focus. If you bail out your folks, how will you help your children go to school? If you spend all your extra money on their golden years, how badly will that tarnish yours? I am not recommending that you be selfish about this, but somehow I don't think you are trying to decide between helping them or buying a 100 ft yacht.

I don't have an easy answer for you, but I can offer my support for your decision to not give them more money to waste.

quote:

Like BG asked, is this new for them, what changed? Did they underestimate the mortgage at the golf community, have their interest rates changed? Was it an adjustable rate mortgage? They may be able to refinance their home to some advantage. Do they have any equity?

Thank-you both for your thoughtful responses.

Sadly there have not, to my knowledge, been any surprises. I suppose it's time I asked them point-blank, "How did it come to this"? One possible answer is that they spent several tens of thousands of dollars on my older sister's divorce, which may have wiped out their retirement savings. And so now perhaps they have decided they are going to enjoy their planned retirement lifestyle, even if it means racking up credit card debt to do so.

Regardless, I appreciate the support of my current decision to not pay back my college education.

Stay tuned.

quote:

One possible answer is that they spent several tens of thousands of dollars on my older sister's divorce, which may have wiped out their retirement savings.

YIKES well now thats being asked for pay back right? I helped a friend with a booklet divorce 10 95 at the time plus filing fees of a cool 100 an I griped about that after writing in triplicate and serving the scumbag the papers (one lil bright spot in my day ) ....
Man I aint NEVER gettin a D I V O R C E H*LL NO
ya hear that hunny your stuck with me!

Hmmm, so what did sis want for her settlement, and I have to be suspicious that court costs and lawyer fees (to be paid back to the people fronting the funds) weren't a part of it. Yep it can get expensive and ugly. They pay for her divorce and then decide YOU need to refund what they spent to educate you so you could be self sufficient!!!

OUCH. . Your Sis should be on the hanger here IF that is what happened to their funds. IF, IF... Who knows. Stand your ground. You may need that money to remodel the garage to keep them from being homeless.

If this behavior isn't new, paying their current bills won't help the situation long-term. The more you bail them out, the more they will spend. How about you offer to pay (one time fee) for a consultation with a financial planner who can help them figure out how to live on the income they have? If they are serious about digging themselves out of the hole they've dug it will be money well spent. If they aren't, then they will turn you down and you'll know where you/they stand. I would make being there for the consultation part of the offer.

When my mom came to me with a similar request, I told her that supporting her would mean depriving her grandchildren of an education. Then, I asked her if she could live with that.

At the time, she was in her early 50s, was divorced, and her only retirement plans were to ask her two children for money. She expected us to support her because she convinced herself that we had enough money to do it!

In the 14 years since we had that conversation, she has only hinted to me that she "needed" money once. I ignored the hint, and she somehow got her finances figured out. She does go shopping much more often than I do, so I refuse to support her irresponsible lifestyle. Because of her financial situation, I always try to lead her to believe that I barely have enough money to get by. This way, she doesn't bother asking me for anything. I know for a fact that she would ask me for ANY extra money she thought I had, and she would spend it irresponsibly.

I owe it to my children to provide for their education. I also owe it to myself, my husband, and my children to provide for my own retirement. If I gave my mother even one dollar to spend on junk, I would be cheating my whole family.

I also realize that giving her money would only fuel the fire. The more I gave her, the more she would want. So, even when she is desperate, I allow her to fix her own problems. I will NOT get involved. Fortunately, my sibling feels the same way. As a result, my mother is considering a reverse mortgage. At first she was almost apologizing to me for not being able to leave me any "inheritance". I told her that my greatest wish was for her to be able to use her resources to live the way she wanted to live for as long as she could and that I didn't expect her to leave me anything when she died. So far, it all seems to be working out.

Setting boundaries can be tough, but it is extremely necessary for happy relationships. It can be tough at first, but when people accept responsibility for themselves, everyone is happier in the end.

c-stone,

My mother has been bad at budgeting money her entire life. Many times when we were small, we stayed with relatives to get by. When we were in our own house as a family, I remember quite a few times having to go to the convenience store to pay a final notice electric or gas bill. And all the while, my mother did have a job. She just lived beyond her means. She always tried to give me the best and paid for a portion of my college as well, but I grew up thinking it was okay to live paycheck to paycheck and you did not have to budget - somehow everything would work out. When I moved into my first apartment, I ended up having to move out and live with my sister because I was so deep in debt. After moving in with my now husband, my taught me how to be responsible with money. He dug himself out of debt once as well and was not given any help. He earned it all.

Now, my mother is semi-retired, 77 and out of money and being foreclosed on. We have even tried to help her make a reasonable budget and plan for the future. No go. She still is not able to live reasonably. We shall see what happens once she has to move into a small apartment and cut back to survive. I think she always counted on getting money from me as she believes that you "take care of family." Unfortunately, I don't believe in financially caring for irresponsible family.

many times a person who spends regardless of the consequences has an addiction.They view things as a substitue fro something they feel lacking in their lives.It is a drug to them.Not trying to make light of the situation but it does happen