My Dad has had all of his guns taken away, I'm getting ready to sell his truck (we fixed it so he can't drive it) and now we have to tell him that now he can't spend his own money (that's the way he'll see it). I've become Payee Representative and as of next month the Social Security check will be going into an account that I've set up and he can't touch. When he'd go to the bank he'd tell the tellers that someone stole his checkbook or complain that I was writing checks on his account (paying his bills for him ). I have actually gotten phone calls from the bank manager asking me to come get him.
I have told the tellers that when he comes down to complain to tell him that they're busy and for him to come back later (he will leave and forget to come back).
Anyway, now my husband and I need to sit down and tell him that only I will be able to write checks on his account. He's been a very independent man for many years and he won't handle this knowledge very well. Do I make up a story and tell him that the bank insists that I handle his money for him and that I've gone ahead and set it up? Do I tell him that since the VA mess when an employee's computer at home was stolen and confidential information on veterans has made his account unstable and therefore, I've set up a new one that only I will be able to use for him temporarily? I am afraid that this last loss of independence for him might make him extremely mad and unstable.
He's been living in our house for almost two years and agreed to quit smoking before he came here but he's doing it anyway and he stinks to high heavens. He's only been smoking for two years anyway so limiting his money is another way of forcing him to quit the disgusting, filthy habit. Inside, he could smoke in bed and set it on fire, outside he could set a forest fire in the neighborhood.
Anyway I'd appreciate it if anyone has any suggestions on how to break the news to my father. Thanks, Diane
Diane wow you got rough one...As for the Social security check..It still comes to the house? Maybe your state is different my mil's ss check is automatically put into her account every month (its was mandatory here as of Jan. 1999)so no paper checks come in. (Out of sight out of mind) I believe if you dont have this already you can request that they deposit directly into your account. If your dad gets distracted easily or forgets easily then I would redirect his attention somewhere else when he starts to ask those questions. Another idea is to say (this is if you have a rural mail box) you have decided to get a PO box because the mailman told you there has been mail theft lately. Hope this helps
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
Thanks for replying to my post, Bunnysgrl, sorry if I misled you but yes, Dad's Social Security checks are automatically put into his account, which is now changed to the new account that I've set up. I do plan on distracting him when he asks questions about his money or why his account has changed. I do find it works sometimes when he knocks on my studio door and has a question that will lead to an argument to simply tell him that I'm working right then which is something he can understand and he'll forget about it for quite a while. Thanks, Diane
Oh your welcome baby and dont worry about it. I got a little lucky in my situation here, shes housebound and cant see very well so we didnt have to deal with things like that. But you do learn to be...creative story tellers..lol
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
My hubby,Larry is my repreaentative payee,with a seperate account.I used my old Avon account so didn't have to open a new one.I still write checks,but in time I won't be able to.I have everything set up POAs so Larry won't have any worries later,nor will I.
I am all for lying if it does the job dealing with an old person with dementia. I had to tell my mother that her doctor told us she should not take baths unless I was with her because she might fall or have a heart attack. The reason I did that was to get her used to taking a bath when I told her to or else she would never take one. That was about a year ago and now she accepts that I run her a bath and she takes it. No arguing. Same for going to bed at 8:00 because the doctor said so. She gets unpleasant when she's tired and my husband, my daughter and I shouldn't have to put up with that past 8:00. We should be allowed to enjoy the evening without Mom butting into every sentence someone says so that she gets attention and then when you don't include her, she angry and snaps at us.
A lie works better than having to explain over and over something they don't like. If you have a computer, you can print up bank statements that show him building up a pile of money, all with nice professional typeface like the Bank's.
I'm so glad my mother doesn't smoke. She wants to drink all the time and thats a problem. Fortunately, I have a second refrigerator that she doesn't even know about so I started keeping her box of wine in there about a month ago and I tell her that its run out and I have to buy some more. I caught her with a glass of wine (a tumbler, not a wine glass!) sitting at the kitchen table when I came out at 7:30 in the morning. She can't be allowed to take it for herself or she'd drink all day long. We let her have a glass with lunch and another glass and half with dinner. Rarely does anyone else here drink any alcohol and my mother's fixation on it really turns us all off to it.
Well, there was only five dollars left in Dad's account, despite my going to all the trouble of making it a Payee Representative account. He managed to walk to town today (not bad for an 84-year-old man who has a hard time getting out of a chair without getting dizzy, huh?). He got to the bank and managed to get the money out of the payee representative account. He said he'd been to the bank when he got back and to be sure I called the bank. I talked to one of the tellers that I know well and she said that he needed the money and since it was only five dollars and since his name is on the account along with mine she told the teller to give him the money. I told her that if there was a lot more in there that he'd take hundreds out and not pay his bills. She sais she'd told the tellers that if he came by not to let him take a lot out. I told her that all he does is buy cigarettes with it and sure enough, there was an almost-full pkg of cigarettes in his jacket pocket when I got home. Of course I trashed them but it really irks me that he still has access to his money.
As long as he lives with us, which will be until he goes to a nursing home he is NOT going to smoke in our out of our house. I'm not going to put up with that smell that gives me a headache. He's burned cigarette holes in his shirts and I'm not going to let him burn the hosue down if he decides to smoke in bed. He's also not going to do any more of his smoking outside in the woods where he could start a forest fire.
Good grief, now I've got to figure out how to tell the tellers at the bank not to give him any money. I guess I'll have to tell the branch manager.
DianeC - A "Representative Payee" account is specifically for the individual who has control over a beneficiary's Social Security money. By law, it cannot be accessed by anyone except the Representative, who is legally responsible and accountable for all funds withdrawn from the account. The money in a rep. payee account does not "belong" to anyone - it's paid on behalf of an individual. There's a ton of confusion regarding power-of-attorney's, joint checking accounts, medicaid, etc., so the Federal Government maintains "control" over the money they dole out on behalf of an incapable person, via the beneficiary's representative payee.
If the bank did indeed give your father 5 bucks from "your" rep payee account, they will take a mere 5 second pause before handing it over to you on your next visit. If this is the case, definitly get a receipt
I had the same problem with my Aunt who has dementia...we didn't want her to smoke anymore in her apt...so I took a picture of her right down to 7-11 where she gets her smokes..and ask them very nicely for them not to sell her cigarettes anymore..I explain the situation to them and wrote all the info on the back of the photo..just incase they needed to call me..
I haven't seen a cigarette in her hand for a month know...so I think it worked..
Wow Hollie, smart thinking.
Welcome aboard, can't wait to know more about you and more of your helpful hints.
Type at you soon I hope, Bobcat
* the crystal ball (*) is in the shop>>>>Mom's wings..11/12/2009
Thanks Hollie for your reply. I had thought about telling the people that work at that store to please quit selling him cigarettes. As are most small store employees here, they don't speak English well except for their kids. If we'd lived closer and it'd continued to be a problem I might have done that but since I had control over his money I thought that was the answer to that problem as well as paying his bills.
One of the things that I've learned to do with Dad, especially when he was in his angrier days was to take pictures of Dad in situations when I knew he'd argue with me. Such as when we moved his car to my daughter's house to sell it. He was paying for a car that he'd never be able to use and his driver's license had been taken away. He would tell me that the car had been taken and I'd show him a pic of Dad talking to the tow truck driver as the car was getting ready to be towed.
I've also written down on a piece of paper what it'd take for Dad to get his car back: Get your driver's license, get insurance, get his registration, etc. Every time Dad asks about getting his car back (it's sold now) I hand him another of the copied pieces of paper with the info on it and he takes it back to his room, satisfied.
These are a few of the things that make living with my father a little more bearable.
Interesting Diane. He never got mad over you taking pics of him doing various things?
I never thought of this....
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
Great idea, Diane! My luck would be that Mom would look at the picture and deny it was her! Gotta love it!!
"She ain't heavy; she's my mother."
Mom got her wings 11/18/2008
Nah, I'm always taking pictures all the time with my digital camera and everyone knows it. He'll argue about almost anything but since 'a picture is worth a million words' it says it all.
The only thing that's handy about having Dad at this stage of Alzheimer's is that he used to hold a grudge for days after having an argument. Now, he's angry for a few minutes and then he goes and watches TV or whatever and five minutes later he's forgotten all about it.
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