My mother is 72 years old and is living independently, but having an extremely difficulty time caring for herself, physically and financially. My siblings and I have tried to help her by offering to clean, cook, pay bills, help organize, take her to doctors appointments etc... but she refuses all help. The situation is growing very grim and I don't know what to do. Any advice?

I am by no means an expert and have so many struggles every day. We were able to do a few things since so many things were starting to slip through the cracks.

1)We changed her mailing address. All of her mail goes to my brother and he takes care of all of her bills.

2) We went to her house and started sorting some things out with her. When she realized we were there to help, she quit resisting.

3) After things were a bit de-cluttered, we hired a cleaning service. They did the initial deep clean and come as scheduled. We now have a daily companion who does some of the work so we no longer have the cleaning people come every week.

4) Go to the doctor with your mom, go in the exam room if she will let you. We found out my mom was depressed and in the first stages of dementia. Medication and the proper doctors have helped a great deal.

5) Try to get some help. We have a companion for my mother that can do light housekeeping, meals, bathing, dressing, etc. They even baked Christmas cookies. She is truly my mom's friend. She resisted like crazy but now she loves it. It also gives you some time to spend time as a family instead of only preforming chores when you visit mom.

6) We put caller i.d. on mom's phone. We were amazed the people that were calling her. She was even part of a national scam.

There is no one right answer. I hope you are able to find a few things that might help.

Welcome Ursula!
This is a pretty common problem with our elders. Understanding is pretty easy, but getting our parents to accept help can be a sticky wicket! I think a lot of resistance happens because we ASK if parents need help, rather than just DOing it. If we ASK our parents if they need help, or IF we can do this or that, etc., they will usually say no. BUT if we know they have a doc's appointment and we just show up and tell them we came to take them, it works out. People who are accustomed to handling stuff themselves are not likely to ASK for help or even to say, "hey, what a great idea! Come over tomorrow and take over my life" because they are upset at not being able to do it anymore and probably don't even remember HOW to ask for help! Just go there and start doing things with which you can see she needs assistance. Instead of asking her questions, make statements to her or give her a couple of choices...
Poor: Mom can I take you to your doctor's appointment?
Better: Mom, when is your next doc's appointment - I want to take you.
Best: Mom, your appointment with the doc is at 9 - I will be here at 7 to help you get ready and drive you there.

Poor: Mom can I help you pay your bills?
Better: Mom, next time you sit down to write bills, I want to help you so I can know what needs to be done in case you get sick or something.
Best: Mom, brother Bob is a whiz at finances. He has put your bills on his computer so they will be automatically paid for you.

Poor: Mom, would you like help sorting out all this junk?
Better: Mom, would you like to sort out the garage Saturday?
Best: Mom, Me and the other kids are gonna clean out the garage for you on Saturday.

sldbrem has given some excellent advice! If Mom has not designated one of you as her Durable Power of Attorney, I suggest y'all take care of that for her toute de suite! Again, don't ask her, make an appointment with her attorney (or one all of you kids can agree upon) and take her there to sign the papers. Don't ask her if she wants to, tell her it has to be done and make the appointment for her. If one of you is better at "getting through to her" than another, let that person handle talking with mom. It is also more helpful if ALL of you will go and meet with her and start taking care so that she will understand that it's everyone's concern and that all of you will be cooperating to help her.

Good luck and please update us on how things go!

Ursla, you have been given great suggestions.It comes to a point where you have to be the doer but have the one you are helping think it is her idea and you are there to help her and not take away from her.They are proud people who are so use to doing for themselves.They see help as a sign of weakness instead of the reverse.When I get cooperation from my husband I tell him thank you so much as you made the task at hand so much easier.Did the same for my aunt and mother
My aunt was the most proud of them all.She found it so difficult to let go of certain aspects of her life.She viewed everything as being her strengths and who she was.Once she had to turn over so many things she saw it as a weakness to her.It was tough to keep her believeing in her self worth.She could never accept things for face value.She saw it as her becoming less of a women.I had to be very careful how I joked with her as she saw it in the opposite way then it was ment.She was a erson who had to always be proving herself.I guess this comes from being part of a large family .

Hi Ursula
Sorry to hear about the problems I dont know how things work were you are located but in Australia we have a Legal Document (well supposed to be Legal) called Enduring Power of Attonary, for just these type of things so that a family member or a friend or even solictor can help pay bills, arrange services for your mum etc.

Your Mother needs your help and the families, call a family meeting to try to organise things, write it all down and get it signed so that you are all in agreement.

You mother maybe just confused at the moment as old age is setting in, and she may know something is wrong with her memory but just does not understand what is happening and she just needs love and support and a good routine to help her.

In many ways those placed in our care want others help but are afraid to let go of the things they did and did so well.They were the ones who did this all their lives and did it well.All of a sudden they see they are loosing their capabilities and this is frightening for them.Know it would be for me.Hard to turn over the reins to another.

Here is an old post I thought might help some of the newbies!

DOCHKA, I agree this was a good one to bring forward. This was all before I started here and really appreciate it. There is so much to sort through.

I do not know of anything more scarey than losing independence and we all have to put our selves in their place. If your Mother is in danger, then you would have to do something. Otherwise, I would suggest you continue to visit and take turns checking on her meals. If your Mom has friends or church ladies, check with them to see if they will call if something comes up.

My handicapped metally retarded Aunt of 78 lives very independent. She does not cook but I make sure someone checks daily on her or I do and in our town, they have meals on wheels. We also have a necklace that she can push if she happens to fall. I pay people to take her places and I know the difference is she has the mind of a 12 year old but she still loves being independent. We have trained lady come five days a week to bathe her and she doesn't have to worry about any bills.

I know your situation is very different but the main thing is to get across to her that she too can live right where she is even if she needs help.

Some added things you could do are:
1. Check with the local gro store to see if they deliver. Your Mom might like having her gro delivered once a week.
2. Check with the utilities. Give them your phone number in case a bill comes up unpaid. That way you won't have to worry about Mom not having heat or cooling.
3. Call her friends and church friends. Give them your number, especially if you do not live close.

If your Mom is having trouble with the cleaning, it may be early dementia. My Mom needed everything familar to feel safe. It seemed to help her because when she would forget, then being in a familiar place would help her remember.

AND MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE!!!!! Check what meds she is taking. Research each one to make sure they do not have her on drugs that react to each other. Even over the counter as my Mom went into short bouts with IBPro.

Please I cannot say this enough!! Know the doctor. Many are drug happy which may take years off her life.