We are all caregivers-some present,some former, some of us(including me)are both. We live stressful lives every day. Some days take the stress to a new level-a birthday,anniversary,or other special occasion can fill our hearts with sadness or bittersweet memories or be an extra cause for worry how we're going to pull off a celebration when we have so much to cope with already. This time of year,with the holidays quickly approaching, can be overwhelming for many caregivers. For myself, I am dealing with the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, without my parents. The emotions and memories are already hitting me and I'm struggling with finding ways to cope. As well, I have a spouse with MS who can only handle so much activity without being completely exhausted and I have to balance her needs into the equation. Grief sessions after my parents' deaths gave me some insight into what I might do-ideas like finding new traditions to celebrate with while keeping old ones that hold much meaning. I'm working on that, but I can't kid myself that there won't be a hole in my life this year. And for my partner, I am attempting to schedule events in such a way that she will be able to participate but still keeping the time we spend anywhere limited,making sure meds are filled so we don't run out when we can't get them for a couple of days-the practical matters. Every caregiver has their own particular set of concerns with their LOs to keep in mind and their own individual emotional reactions when the holidays come around. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is looking ahead and thinking about how I'm going to make it through them, and hopefully find ways to celebrate that bring me some joy. It isn't easy. Please share with us what the holidays mean to you and how you will be coping with them. I'd love to hear what everyone is planning and I'm sure,as always, that your experiences will also help me and all the rest of our family here. With loving thoughts for all of you-Thank you-Melissa

"Whatever tomorrow brings, I"ll be there-with open arms and open eyes"

Jim, I'm so sorry you are hurting from the passing of your friend. She sounds like she was very special to you. Prayers are going up for both you and Tommy.

Vicki

Sugarlips

Ask and you shall receive!! Prayers going out for Tommy and you both. God, knows we all could use more of them.

Love, Kathie, k.c.allyn@att.net The journey of a thousand miles...begins with a single step. Confucius

My sympathies to you on the loss of your friend. Please add my prayers to the others. Take care-Melissa

"Whatever tomorrow brings, I"ll be there-with open arms and open eyes"

Jim, I am adding my prayers to Yellow Rose. I am so sorry that your friend lost his wife. I am always amazed that the people who die of cancer are almost always the sweetest, kindest, most gentle people that we know. That seems to make the disease that much more cruel.

Maybe, since you two have met again after all these years, you will be able to become close again and enjoy more of those weekends. I hope so for both you and Tommy. Be kind to yourself. Your friend, Margaret

On eagles wings--that's how fast prayers are going up for Tommy and you Sir James.

This has to do with asking for what we need, and not being ashamed to ask for it.

It also ties into the holiday season because that's where we are right now.

To the point, I would like to have a few kind words of prayer and hope said for an old friend of mine who stopped by this past Friday. I haven't seen him in over ten or 15 years. They were the next door neighbors, about the same age and companion river rats on summer weekends.

The real point--say a few kind words of prayer for Tommy--he told me Friday that he lost his wife to cancer about a year ago. This is the first I heard about it. I was very shocked. This lady never hurt anybody or anything. She was like the sister I wish I had rather than the one I do.
I know Tommy's heart is still breaking--send him some words for peace of mind.

P.S.(If you have a couple left--I'll take them--my heart is breaking too)



Use today wisely,
It's the only one we get.

Oh, for so short a time,
we are on loan to each other.

Jim

This will be a most difficult holliday season for me.Usually, me,Mom, Haeli, and my son Heath go to my older brother's in Austin for about 5 days and his wife and 2 grown children are there also.My other brother and his family always go to sil's home in Tennessee, so we never see them. But this year my older brother and family are going to sil's mother's in Oklahoma and My son and new wife are going to try and get a few days honeymoon.This will leave me alone with Mom for the holidays, with Haeli probably coming by Christmas Day sometime to open presents.This happened several years ago and My Mom let me know that it was "the worst Christmas she had ever had, even worse than the one she spent in the hospital"and Haeli will be disappointed because she usually goes with us to Austin for a big Christmas.I can put aside not having a big Christmas, without much trouble, but Mom will be even more depressed than usual, and I just don't know how I'm going to cope with her.I'll have the tree up and decorations and lots of presents from Santa here for Haeli, but I can't give Mom the one thing she wants which is the rest of her family around. This is going to be a tough one.

Love, Kathie, k.c.allyn@att.net The journey of a thousand miles...begins with a single step. Confucius

Janie and Sandra, Believe me I know what you are saying.I have to false notions of what xmas should be.To me it is a beautiful and sad time of year.It is sadbecause we have wonderful memories of xmas spent with loved ones that have crossed over.And that is why I want to give my family the chance to have these same kinds of memories.I have made my family so many ornaments for their trees.Something they will have and love because I made them.Each has a special tree style and I make ornaments to meet that style.When we get together on xmas eve we talk about all the past xmas.We have pictures we show of the ugliest tree my son brought home but I still put it up and decorated it.I is a fun story because I loved the thought of what he did and would never not put the tree up. My mother and aunt were always an important part of our xmas.My daughter beats me to the punch and buys them all the things they need.They have always been part of her xmas day.It is not all about the giving but the spirit that this day brings.I was to my sons last week and on the wall was a picture I had given them from their oldest daughter.I use to have her paint and one year , SHE WAS AROUND 4, I took one of her pictures, framed it and gave it to her parents for xmas.When I saw that picture , it brought back the best memories of time I had with her because I baby sat.I wish I could go back to those times .I know that cannot be but I have pictures and wonderful memories that no one can take away.This is what xmas is for me.A timewhen we can all come together and share the good and he bad and put it into its proper place.I will not take the oppurtuniy of establishing memories from the family.Is this not the very thing that holds us together .Would we be so sad on the holidays if we had not loss the very ones that gave us these memories.If I were to deny them this small thing than they would see my caregiving in the worst light.I owe my children this small thing.I worked hard to help them to be the good people they have become and I want to reap the harvest and be a part the celebration of the birth of christ.With this I also celebrate the birth of my entire family and friends.This may seem so far removed but this is how I feel about the holidays.I just come alive with the smells and the beauty that seems to come out in people during the holidays.

Last year we put together a substantial list of articles and resources for the Holidays...

Getting Through the Holidays Successfully

Also, we have Edyth Ann's article on "Homecare for the Holidays"

thank you janie girl,
and you go may with your spunk i don't doubt you will have a merry christmas.

i just wanted to say if you expect a bumpie road and are prepaired . the road will not be as bumpie or as hard to deal with.

sandra

It is my feeling that you two ladies have stepped up to the podium and given a reality check to everyone here.

Of course, we all would love to think that it will lightly snow on Christmas Eve ... as the fire crackles and glows in the fireplace. The candles are twinkling, as well as the lights on our "most wonderful" and perfect Christmas tree. Home is filled with the aromas of freshly baked cookies, turkey, ham ...... then we sit back and admire all that we have accomplished with our freshly renewed (and non-tired) bodies and all is well with the world.

Hello!!!!!!! Did y'all believe that or didja' know I was telling a fairytale?

Lord knows, I truly don't mean to burst any bubbles!! I want that fairytale holiday just as much as the rest of you. But, Sandra was right when she said the LO's will be different and WE will be tired and stressed out. May, I'm in your corner with your post about traditions. And, I do not believe for one moment that you are being non-caring, cold or anything else negative. You HAVE given up a lot in your caregiving; why shouldn't you continue to have your Christmas tradition? Not that what I say I matters, but I, for one, think you should fiercely protect anything that brings you happiness and joy.

Melissa, Jeannine and everyone else ..... things will be different for most of us this year. Let's put it in perspective and, as Sandra said, focus on what is important and move forward with that thought in mind.

Stepping down off my soap box now ........

Seems like I just put al the holiday things away.How time flies.As for xmas.We have a family tradition and I intend to keep it.My kid sand the granchildren and wives come to my house xmas eve.We have done this for 30 years. This is the one time when every one enjoys the time with the children and each other.i PUT A SMALL TREE IN MY OTHER AND AUNTS ROOM.MY MOTHER IS DOWN SAIRS SO SHE WILL NOT SEE MOST OF THE COMOTION.I love to see the expression on every ones face when they open that one special gift.The boys get a chance to have quality time together.This is my family tradition.Something that I have started and will not give up.Every family has a tradition that is theirs and theirs alone.Om xmas day we each take turns opening gifts.It is a quiet day with my daughter, my aunt , my mother and my self.My daughter takes pictures and helps the ladies open the gifts.This year will be different because of mothers progression.Xmas day will be her quiet day.When My other has passed I will still have a life and my immediate family.I will not sacrifice this special night.I have given alot for caregiving, and that is fine.I DO NOT EXPECT SHE WILL BE ANY WORSE THAN SHE IS AT THIS STAGE.mY MOTHER HAD HER XMAS WITH HER FAMILY FOR OVER 50 YEARS.I see no reason for me to not have the same.This may not be the case for others, that is understandable.My granchildren are precious to me and I want to see and share the excitement with them.Am I being selfish, no.I would be if I cheated my self of these memories.

most of us like the holidays and think its going to be so wonderful and most likely will be days sent from heven . family, friends, wonderful meals.
thats where we all go wrong.the holidays are stressful,more to do then usuall..then add caregiving to the mix and it can turn your wondrefull holiday dream in to a night mare.
we all have high expectations, if we could only look at things as they really are.

the ad patient is unperdectable.may be hyper/nervious. even gift opening can present a problem. they may have forgotten what to do. and how to open a gift. there day to day schedule is changed and they may act out.because of it.the gift you thought so wonderful in there eyes may be a thing they have no idea what it is or what to do with it. just be prepaired. they will not be the same as usual.
sometimes with more people around they feel fear,everything thing is like its happening for the first time for them and they just do not know what to do.
if you can go in to the holidays keeping things simple and layed back. make sure everyone gets enough rest if possible.

think what is really important to you and go for it. let the little
stuff go.
happy holidays for each and everone of you.

sandra

Yes I lost my dad in July. Yes I still miss him. However as I mentioned another time, we were a distant family, my Christmas memories are just my kids and hubby for over 40 yrs. Even when we moved down here and lived 3 houses away, they only came at dinner time, we did get gifts for a change, before it was checks to buy what we wanted. Now that was reasonable, they and we lived thousands of miles and even countrys apart.
But this Christmas is going to be my first true family Christmas.
My two daughters and their hubbys are coming for Christmas, but the most important thing is my 2 beautiful baby granddaughters are coming
My First Christmas with my grandkids, I will be going crazy trying to decorate to the hilt, deciding if I want 2 artifical trees up, or just one. Agreeing to babysit the girls, so both daughters and hubbies can go out to dinner alone. Tough on me
I will have memories, wishing my mom and dad could see these girls at Christmas, but I know they will be watching from their new place.
I still have the son at home, so not too calm, of course Christmas Eve is the night I have to be up till 4AM with his medical program. I hope the girls are quiet!!! Granny will be asleep when they find their gifts Santa brought.

Jeannine

Melissa, this is a great subject to discuss. I remember two years ago on Thanksgiving Mom had become a very finicky eater. I fixed the usual dinner thinking I could tempt her with a nice meal. She always loved my cooking. She hardly ate a thing. I knew we were in the downward slide then. She passed away the following May. Last Thanksgiving we sold our home and moved to a different state. I was working for my Sister on the Internet so we spent the 4 days at Thanksgiving working. I made scrambled eggs for Thanksgiving dinner. For many years it was just the three of us at at holiday time and all year round. Last year there were just two of us. By not making a big deal over Thanksgiving it was less painful for us.

This year I plan to cook. In many ways it will be much more difficult that last year. Our lives are more settled in our new home and city. This will give me more time to realize Mom is not here with us. I will try to remember all the good times from past years. Rather than focusing on the loss we both feel so much.

Vicki

Sugarlips

My FIL gets a news letter from Widowed Persons Serice. It always has many good thoughts. I'll only share a few to ponder on. "We should always remember that grief is work and it is one work that might intensify with the holidays. Bring out the album with pictures of the last holiday season with your love one in the middle of everthing. All of you remembering, even if some tears may be shed, is better than everyone trying to act as if "nothing is different," when all of you know that it definitely is and always will be. We may even end up being a consoler to our children and grandchildren [family], if we just try to feel less of our pain and a little more of theirs. But always remember that you owe it to yourself to give yourself permission to do things differently and to need more rest and less demands put on you."

It's really cool to read everyone's thoughts about the holidays. You guys have got me thinking of holidays past as well as present. When I was a kid, my parents,sisters and grandparents would celebrate Christmas on the Eve. Huge tree,tons of presents and more food than we could possibly eat. Lots of traditions with our manger scene,ornaments,me as the youngest and playing Santa handing out presents one at a time-everyone got to have their present ooh'ed and aah'ed over before the next present was handed out. Very good memories. Christmas morning we kids would open up our stockings full of comic books,small toys and always a tangerine in the bottom. Then wed head over to my aunt and uncle's house for another whole celebration. Busy,full,happy times.
Fast forward many years, and both my grandfathers had died and my grandmothers lived in the same assisted living facility. The facility had a beautiful dining room and a private one that could be reserved for families. We did that on at least two Christmas Days and Thanksgivings when it was becoming hard for my grandmothers to travel. It was different from what we'd done when I was a kid, but it was still the family together-that proved to be the main thing.
Last year, both my parents were in the NH for Thanksgiving and Christmas. The year before when my father was still at home we'd tried taking my mother home for Christmas and found it was too much noise and activity for her-totally overwhelmed her. So last year(which I honestly don't remember too well cause Debbies mother died in Nov., and we moved in Dec., making everything a bit of a blur), we kept it simple and had small celebrations in the Activity room or the lounge or in my mother's room. Brought in food we could heat up easily in their microwave, kept the presents simple and practical, had bought a couple decorations to dress up their rooms, and just kept it quiet and easy. It worked out well-my mother had no real concept of what it all meant at this point, and my father was always surprised to find out it was a holiday, but they enjoyed having us there-that was what counted. And , you know what? That has always been what counted. Just being together.
This year the people who will come together in my family has shrunk, but my loved ones will be with me in spirit I know. And Debbie and I continued with one of our personal traditions a couple days ago with a twist. We always buy a new ornament for the tree that reflects the year we've just come through. This year we bought two ornaments-we both found ornaments that reminded us strongly of our mothers. It was bittersweet buying them, but when I look at them on the tree,I will feel they are both with us. As they are.
This topic has really been enlightening to me. I hope we keep it going and keep sharing cause you've all touched my heart and given me ideas and I'm sure you've done the same for everyone who comes here. Thank you-Love,Melissa

"Whatever tomorrow brings, I"ll be there-with open arms and open eyes"

Thanks for starting this, Melissa. I could go on and on but it's late and I can't stay. For now I'll just share that my daughter is coming home unexpectedly for Christmas. She's working in Kosovo right now and was to be moved to Africa in the spring. Instead the move will happen in January, and she wangled two weeks off to come home for Christmas. My son-in-law can't get the time off, and I love him a lot for being willing to part with her at Christmas.

It's extra special that she's coming to see her Grandma (my mother for whom I'm the CG) this year. It's our first Christmas in the new house, and my sisters have totally ignored my mother since I moved in with her in March. Jealous? Just plain thoughtless? Who knows. At any rate, it was going to be a quiet, somewhat sad Christmas for Mum. This changes everything. Thank you, Lord!

I'll talk some more about the sibling stuff another day. I really need help with that area.

Night all. Hope everyone has a good sleep.

Rita

Melissa, I thought it so odd that you bring up this subject and it appears in our paper this week. SemperFi it is good to see you posting.

CREATING HOLIDAY TRADITIONS THAT BRING THE FAMILY TOGETHER
It is easy to start a treasured tradition that is enjoyed for years to come. These are some ideas for creating your own holiday happenings.

1. Take the whole family to get the tree. Since it is enjoyed by all, everyone should have a say in choosing it. Remember the camera or camcorder.

2. Start an ornament exchange by giving each family member a special ornament each year. A good time to exchange them is when you are trimming the tree. Label the ornament with the date. Serve hot chocolate or cider and enjoy each other's company while swapping keepsakes.

3. Take holiday portraits. Pictures can create lifetime memories.

4. Let everyone open one gift on Christmas eve. This brings everyone together for a few special relaxing moments.

5. Bring adults and kids alike into the kitchen to build a gingerbread house. Provide empty milk boxes, graham crackers, icing, an assortment of candies and, of course, creativity.

6. Put on holiday music and gather LO's together to create homemade tree ornaments and decorations.

7. Pile your family in the car at night and drive around town looking for homes with the best lights and displays, or walk around the block and check out displays closer to home.

Remember, traditions do not have to be limited to families. They can be created with friends, roommates, couples, or even pets. The best traditions never lose their fun and excitement.